The Edge of Dreaming

For the Love of Reading

2012-02-02T19:40:00.000-06:00

So I'm a BIG fan of reading...always have been. My favorite present growing up was a book of my very own. Since I grew up a bit poor, OWNING a book was something special. The libraries were my special places, but actually getting to keep the book? Wow, BIG deal for me.

I can even tell you my favorite present ever as a child. Once Christmas/Birthday my aunt bought me not one, but TWO large boxes of illustrated classics. Each was a square paperback book of an abridged classic. I had a hard time expressing my gratitude then, but I'm sure if she reads this blog, she'll understand how much of an impact that made on me since I STILL remember it.

I used to devour books. When I started making my own money, I religiously followed the principle set out by Erasmus "If I have a little money I buy books; and, if any is left, I buy food and clothes." Okay, maybe I was never THAT bad. Growing up poor can scare you into paying bills and going grocery shopping, but I HAVE bought a cheaper pair of needed shoes so I could buy a new book. I also was able to get most of the books I wanted from the library, so that helped.

To this day, some of my favorite gifts involve gift cards that let me indulge my book habit. Granted, I also need a bit of money to indulge my tea habit. I have found that the best way to read a book is in comfy pajamas, fluffy socks, with my quillow, my pup, and a nice hot cup of tea.

I got off track here, but I sort of got dreamy about cuddling up with a great story. The point of this post was to say that my love of reading waned seriously last year. It wasn't that I didn't want to read, it was that I was so depressed I couldn't focus to read. What once brought me the greatest pleasure in my darkest moments became something I couldn't enjoy anymore. I read a bit, but not to the extent I used to.

This year I decided to not make this another near non-reading year. What do you do when your old favorites are hard to read? Have others pick out books for you. I'm still having a hard time focusing, but it's getting easier. Case in point, I have a total of four books I'm currently reading. Yes, FOUR books at the same time.

The multiple book thing may seem strange, but to me, it means I'm getting better. I've always had trouble sticking to one novel at a time. I get so excited to start a book that I can't wait to read it, so I don't. This means I have one novel in the laundry bag, one in the bedroom, one next to the couch and one that wanders between my daybag and the bathroom (oh, yes, the joys of bubble bath reading!)

I still can't buy too many books, but am happy that my Newanderthal has a completely different reading list than I do. This means I can find a whole new set of titles without spending money. Even if I can't seem to write much this year, I can find solace in at least one old pleasure!

Ps. A 'quillow' is a quilt blanket that can be folded into a pillow. This was made special for me by the same aunt who bought me those books so long ago! As a plug to her, check out her shop on Facebook or her blog. Her shop is called Grangie's Gifts

Pocket Novels February Contest

2012-01-22T19:20:00.000-06:00

If you're not familiar with Pocket Novels, I hope you'll become familiar soon. Below is the latest contest on the Pocket Novel blog. We are also giving away a prize from Grangie's Gifts to the two NEW customers who purchase the most Pocket Novels.

Pocket Novels are way cooler than regular novels and to prove it we're hosting a contest that's free to enter and easy to win. On top of that, the prizes are one-of-a-kind items worth more than the books we sell. But let's not jump ahead of ourselves with talk of prizes. First, I'll tell you how to WIN!

The contest is simple. All you do is tell your friends to visit our website (pocketnovelpublishing.com) and order a book... or two... or eight. When they get to the shopping cart, there's a Notes Blank. Have them type in your name as the person who referred them.

At the end of the month, we'll count up the orders and award two prizes. One will be for the person who had the most new referrals. The other will be for the person who sold the most books. So if you bring in a ton of new customers you'll be rewarded, or you can be rewarded for bringing in a few customers who just really like to buy all the books.

So jump on Facebook and tell all your friends what to do. At the end of February, we will count up the orders and announce the winners.

Stay in touch. You won't believe what the prizes are going to be.
(Hint: The first prize costs around $35.00)

Still not where I want to be

2012-01-17T21:46:00.000-06:00

As of late, I've been fighting a decently strong bout of depression. Nothing really seems to make me happy. I'm tired, cranky and just downright not a part of anything. It's affecting quite a decent part of my life. My running hasn't been what I wanted mostly because I can't find the energy to get out there and run much. I've had to struggle to get out for every run.

What I miss most is my writing. I've had a sort of writing block for nearly 3 years now and it seems to be getting worse. I was getting words out before but they weren't worth much. Now I'm having a hard time getting sentences to work themselves into anything creative. For me, blogs don't count because I'm not really creating in my blog, I'm mostly just stating...or whining.

I can 'fake it until I make it' for many, many things but my writing is not one of those things. I'm not like writing genius, Newanderthal. I never have been able to outline anything decently. When I get an idea I usually know only a tiny little piece of the story. I get to figure it out AS I write. Things flow and come out and I simply write it. Right now I may have an idea, but I'm not getting that spark.

Trust me, I've tried to write. I've tried to get the words out and just put down one after the other. I've taken little assignments and worked them out. I've done all the little tricks they tell you to do. Nothing is coming out anymore. I'm....dry.

Strange part is, as I said earlier, it's not the ideas. I still have them, though not frequently. The 'voices' aren't talking to me. The landscapes aren't in my head. It's not even a dark and stormy night...it's just too quiet up there.

Lately I've been reading more in the hopes that the words of others will fan my spark. I can't think that it might never return. I don't like that at all. I can't imagine NOT being a writer. I can take breaks, but it's a part of who I am, always has been.

Right now though, I don't have any ideas on how to help myself out. I'm not sure if I should keep trying or if I should give it up in the hopes the writing mojo will one day return to me. Out of everything my depression takes from me, this one is just cruel. It's never happened before and that's why it's such a shock to me. I promise it hurts the most to lose what you truly thought was an inseparable part of you. I'm just at a bit of a loss right now.

Shades of Gray

2012-01-02T19:57:00.001-06:00

I read the Bloggess' new post The Fight Goes On and it made me want to talk a tiny bit about my own battle with depression.

Much of my life has been spent either falling into a depression spiral or slowly coming out of one which I often refer to as 'Shades of Gray'. Did the therapy thing when I could, got put on meds once that made me scared of who I was on them and just went back to the dark/light shades of gray.

I won't say I've never been happy b/c that's blatantly not true. I've had happy moments and continue to have them, but there always comes a time where I hear the little voices in the back of my mind that tell me mean, hurtful things.

You're not good enough. You're not smart enough. No one really loves you. You're ugly. You're fat. You're boring. You're stupid. You're not creative so stop trying to be. Everything you do doesn't measure up. etc, etc I think you get the point.

Luckily I've never self-harmed nor thought about suicide in the way most people think of it. Because of this I've tended to fall into a sort of crack where it's been okay for people to ignore my depression b/c it's not like she's going to kill herself or anything. In a way that made it harder to come out of my depression cycles b/c I felt like I had no one there who even cared when or IF I came back out. I got so tired of people mistaking my depression for my personality. They're NOT the same thing and never have been.

The last few years have been some of the best and hardest of my life. I've met my Newanderthal, Gracie Musica, Elegant Lion and a whole host of other great people. I've done some amazing things I'd never imagine, run a 5k, such as lose 50 lbs, hike part of the Appalachian trail, move to a new state WITHOUT a job, help start Pocket Novels and the list goes on. The entire time I've gotten to do that, I've also had to battle with insecurities and depression. Sometimes simply getting up in the morning was an absolute struggle. Think your job is hard? Try doing it when all you want to do is lay in a dark room and cry b/c you don't have the energy or determination...or hell, the self-esteem to do anything.

Some days BREATHING is hard. Seriously. I just want to stop all of it. Not kill myself, just stop breathing b/c it takes too much energy to move the air in and out of my lungs. Every time a thing went wrong it was MY FAULT. I DID IT. I'M STUPID. ANYONE ELSE COULD HAVE DONE IT RIGHT. It's not that I was just thinking that, it's that I was BELIEVING it.

I've lately come to terms with the fact I'm never NOT going to be fighting depression. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance, maybe I just have a wire loose in my brain. Whatever it is, I think it'll be a lifelong battle for me. It's tiring at times, especially b/c I never know when it's going to strike or how to get out of it, much less how to explain it to other people.

Sometimes I promise all I wanted was someone to sit in the dark with me and hold me while I cried without really knowing why. The reason most people don't always know when I'm in the spirals is because I'm ashamed of them. I felt they made me seem weak. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to do all these great things despite my past and the horrible things that happened to me in it. I'm supposed to smirk and carry on with my plans for world domination.

Sometimes I stay in my pajamas and cry whenever a commercial comes on where people look happy.

NOT world domination strength.

Still, I do reach out to some that I know have been through their own depression. Some I know constantly fight it just like me. And somehow, knowing I'm not alone helps. Surrounding myself with friends who have and still fight it helps. We try to lift each other out of the dark places or at least sit with one another in the dark.

I hope that if you suffer from depression you can find some solace in knowing you're not alone. No one is worthless and no one deserves to feel that way. Get help if you need it, whether from friends, church or therapy. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with getting help.

Year end wrap-up

2011-12-30T13:50:00.003-06:00

If you read, Tasha Weighs In, then you've already read this post. Not sure, but this blog *may* disappear in the new year.

     Soooo...I may or may not have been neglecting my blog...for well over a month. Okay, I HAVE been. With all that's been going on, something had to give and blogging was one of those things. Now that the end of the year is basically here, I have a tiny bit more time to get back to basics.
     I know it's tradition to look back on your year and also to think about the coming one. I have done both, but I'm not really going to set any resolutions. Mostly because I have plenty that I'm working on and 2012 is looking to be busy enough without my good intentions.
     I will, however, give a quick run down of what I've been doing and what I will be doing.
     2011:
1) Moved to a brand new state in late February. That took a lot of prep work, not to mention the time and effort to unpack, get furniture (Goodwill outlet), find a job (took about 6 months) and learn where to find things in a new and bigger city.
2) I've also been working with Newanderthal on getting Pocket Novels running. We're still a bit behind where we want to be, but we believe in the project.
3) Ran my very first 5k after nearly a year of my on-again/off-again relationship with running. Even though no one I knew could come to the race, I was still so excited that I finished and WASN'T LAST!
   2012:
1) Prepping for our Mississippi trip! Newanderthal and I will be canoeing the entire Mississippi River from August -October. Lots of prep work for that.
2) Running a 10k. It's the next race up and I think will give me more confidence for #3
3) Running a marathon. My 30th birthday will be at the end of 2012 and, assuming the world doesn't end, I will finish my first ever marathon in celebration of my new decade.
4) Pocket Novels....this will be at least a 5 year process before it can be my only job
5) POSSIBLY getting my teacher's certificate. I can get funding from my county after working for them for a year. I will definitely look into that!

     As you can see, it's not a list of what I want to do, but what will get done b/c it's already scheduled. Can I say I'm not worried about any of it? No, I definitely am worried. Still, they aren't 'goals' I've set, they're conditions that will be happening whether I'm ready or not. I just have to be ready for them!
   Wishing every one of you a great new year and hope your 2011 was fantastic. Please remember (as I had to be reminded), that you never measure you life by someone else's standards. I could easily tell you what in 2011 I didn't do. I could make a list of all the things I tried and failed or never tried at all. However, I chose to tell you what I found important in my life. There are so many other great things 2011 has given me. Be kind to yourself and look forward to an even better 2012!

Top Ten Thankful List

2011-11-19T14:53:00.001-06:00

I'm still a bit blue but feeling better than I did. I still have low points, but I'm trying to think positive. One thing that I've been told can help is to list things I'm thankful for.

#10: Job. In this economy, I'm thankful I have a job. I may not love my job nor really like the pay, but I have a JOB that does give me a paycheck.

#9: Charlotte, NC. I do like my new town better than Louisiana. We have seasons, things to do both indoors and out! There are so many cool places to see!

#8: Hobbiess. I may not always think I'm good at anything, but I do like trying new things and am thankful I have such a life that I CAN indulge in hobbies.

#7: Health. I'm not at the weight I want to be or what I used to be, but I'm healthy. I actually ran a 5k this year, something I could not have done a year ago.

#6: Books. Silly? Probably, but I am very thankful for good books. It's something I loved ever since I was young and I can always indulge in them.

#5: Home. We may be renting, but it's still home. Not everyone can say that these days.

#4: Pets. I love all of our pets, but especially Rocco and Cyrano (mostly b/c the others are reptiles and 'love' isn't a real concept to them). My furry children are great in making me feel loved without having to be or do anything special.

#3/#2: Family. I do have some wonderful family members. The ones who have been there for my entire life and have tried to do their best to ensure I get all I need to grow up to achieve my dreams. Love from family is needed to

#2/#3: Friends. Thought many of my best friends are not close to me, they are there for me when I need them and I try to be there for them.

#1: Love. You probably saw it coming, but it's my Newanderthal. I could write a whole new blog just on what he does for me.

Winter Blues

2011-10-30T12:45:00.000-05:00

I have been purposely hiding from my blog for the simple reason I have been in a mood. Usually at this time of year, a mood comes over me and I don't shake it off until late January or early February. Every year I KNOW it's coming and yet, every year I can't seem to escape it.

Basically, the end of the year is a bit harder for me b/c it's also my birthday. Two whole months of holidays, money needing to be spent, talking to family and friends about what they've done with their year and having my own compared to it. Every year I seem to come up short of what I should have done or could have done.

This year was no exception. It's been getting so bad, even Newanderthal has been able to tell over the phone. I have no energy to talk to him. When he asks what I've been doing I always say nothing. When he asks what's wrong, I say I'm tired (which IS true, only a tiny bit of the whole truth).

Last night Newanderthal had a long talk with me about the whole story. I tried my best to explain and we eventually got to the heart of the matter. Around 3 am, when we finally hung up (he was driving a late load and I didn't have much to do today) I did feel a bit better.

He helped me realize I shouldn't be measuring myself up to a standard I don't even agree with. So what if so-and-so did this, that and the other? I did plenty of things I wanted to do, even if no one believes they come up to much in our society. In the end, he helped me realize that even if things aren't how I want them right now, I'm still living a life I want to and that's what really counts.

He mentioned a slide show of my life. If we all had slide shows of what we've done, what would be in yours? I would have an adventurous one. I would have one that proves I don't let people or circumstances stop me from eventually getting 'there'. Things like my hiking/camping trips, my move, my first run, and all the fun things I've seen and done. I may not like my job, but even in this ridiculous economy, I managed to find a job (two actually, since I had that temporary tutoring job for a few months).

I managed to help us move into a new house with all the utilities without ever stepping into the state we moved to. I have written many short stories, poems and novels; which is something so many people say they want to do but never try or never finish. I'm good with animals and we have happy pets (yes, that IS important to me).

Even though I don't always like my job, I'm good with kids and have a talent for not only giving them the answer but giving them the empowerment to question WHY that's the answer. I fully believe that you remember more if you have reasoning instead of just the answer. I may only be a teacher's assistant at a school for students with behavioral/learning/emotional problems, but I still believe they should understand what they're learning as well as why.

Even though I have 50lbs to lose, I still managed to keep off the first 50 I lost. I can run a 5k with a decent time. I am currently training for a half-marathon. It is true I'm behind on my training due to the depression and the fact that running more than 4 miles is still very hard for me, but I keep trying.

Newanderthal told me I've helped him feel better about himself over our three years together. He told me I've helped him believe more in himself, his ideas and his talents. Like me, he's got quite a few years of negative thinking under his belt. (Not sure if he wants me to say all that, but it is MY blog).

I won't say I feel 100% better. I'm a work in progress. It's very hard to undo years of negative thinking and feelings. Still, I feel BETTER and that's something I haven't been able to say in some time. Let's hope this holiday season I'll keep feeling just a little better until maybe I feel great!

Eclecfest in Charlotte, NC

2011-10-14T18:26:00.001-05:00

If you're in or around the Charlotte, NC area, make sure to check out EclecFest happening in NoDa tomorrow, October 15th, from 11am-11pm. Not only will you find great music and artists, you can pick up your Pocket Novels straight from me!!

IF YOU WANT TO GO:
When: Saturday, October 15, 2011
Location: Noda N. Davidson and 28th Street
Time: 11:00 am - 11:00 pm
Cost: No cover

Hosted By: Darren Vincent

For more information call: 704 377-8989 or Vendors & bands email contact@RealEyesBookstore.com

If you're not in the area, you can still buy your Pocket Novels by emailing us pocketnovels@yahoo.com with your address and quantity/titles of books you want!

Trying to Keep Up

2011-10-13T22:03:00.002-05:00

With everything that's going on, I'm doing my best to keep everyone posted. Here's a quick rundown of what to expect and what I'm doing.

First and foremost: Pocket Novels are available!! Definitely check out our website and order your copies of our first six stories. They are $2 each plus shipping. Basically, if you live in the US, you'll be spending $20 for the entire set. Not too shabby, I say! We're really excited the project is up and running again and can't wait to showcase our new authors from around the globe!

Next: I'm debating whether or not to participate in NaNoWriMo this year or not. I haven't really written in over 6 months and not sure if I can manage 50k in a month or not. I only have 18 days until the start of the challenge. If I can think up a plot and manage to write more than a half paragraph, I'll do it. I've been a participant since 2004 and I'd hate to give in now.

Thanksgiving: Newanderthal and I are planning a 2-3 hiking/camping trip for our Thanksgiving. We're hoping we'll make this a tradition...adventuring instead of overeating. If you call to wish me a happy turkey day, you might not get in touch with me.

Christmas: It's not completely final, but Newanderthal and I should be heading down to Louisiana for Christmas break. We're really hoping we can, if we do, we'll let the appropriate people know.

Phone: Next month I'm switching cell phone providers and will have a new phone number. I will let everyone know but if you call me on the old number and get a disconnect thing, you'll know what happened and somehow I left you out of the exchange list. Make sure I get you!

Work: Is...well, difficult. I'm still not adjusted to the constant craziness but it's a paycheck and, let's face it, in this economy, if you have a job, you do it to the best of your ability so you can keep it.

Still Tired

2011-09-23T20:01:00.001-05:00

Though I cannot give you a definite reason why, I seem to be sleeping all the time. I am fairly certain it has to do with my new job, but I cannot guarantee that. In order to rest, I've all but given up my gym time. I HAVE to go to work, so it's either a few extra hours of sleep or hit the gym.

Yes, I know I need the gym time and I'm trying to work out a decent schedule to allow me to get more sleep yet make it to the gym at least 3x a week. Everyone says I'm trying to do too much, but that can't be the case here. I may be doing plenty, but I still get enough sleep.

One things I'm not doing is writing. With my impromptu naps, I haven't had the time to write. Also, even if I am awake, I just don't have the mental energy to think. It's crazy, I know. I'm mostly worried that NaNoWriMo is getting so close. I don't have an idea or a writing schedule. If I can't get a single word out during a regular day, how will I get 1,667 out every day in November?

Honestly, I say I'm worried, but I'm not. I don't care that much. I know I should be worried and I should care, but I'm too tired to muster it up. I don't want to sit out this NaNo. I want to get back to writing and being creative. I just don't have any creative energy...or energy at all.

Speaking of energy, I don't have any more to finish this blog. It's 9 pm and I'm barely staying awake. I need to clean pet cages so I can crawl into bed and simply die for the night. Hopefully this is just a phase.

A Day for Me

2011-09-17T15:14:00.001-05:00

With the recent week of stress I've been having and the fact that my muscles are a bit sore from yesterday's Group Power class at the gym, I decided to do something radical....Nothing.

Yes, my to-do list is quite long and I know that every day I let things slide, I may be adding to the stress. However, I've been so worked up lately, that I can't focus on anything. This means, even as I plow through my list, I'm constantly messing up and having to fix everything.

So I ask you, am I really making things worse or better off for this day? I say better. I slept in, took a nice hot bath, started reading a book I've had for over a week and never got to start, watched TV and relaxed with Rocco. He doesn't seem to mind very much that I've had a lazy day with him so far.

I'm not entirely sure, but I may have to include a lazy day once a week. It would give me something to look forward to, plus it would be the one day of the week I can put everything aside and do what I want, even if some days that does mean I simply sleep in and lay on the couch most of the day.

Another thing I'm going to incorporate is a trick Dwight D. Eisenhower established during his presidency. Here is the rundown according to Wikipedia: All tasks are evaluated using the criteria important/unimportant and urgent/not urgent and put in according quadrants. Tasks in unimportant/not urgent are dropped, tasks in important/urgent are done immediately and personally, tasks in unimportant/urgent are delegated and tasks in important/not urgent get an end date and are done personally. This method is said to have been used by U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower, and is outlined in a quote attributed to him: What is important is seldom urgent and what is urgent is seldom important.

Granted, I can't exactly delegate anything out, but I can start categorizing what I'm doing. The big problem is I'm categorizing EVERYTHING as important and urgent. Most are neither. Like mowing the backyard? Neither important nor urgent. It does need to be done, but whether I do it tomorrow or next weekend, the backyard will not become an overgrown jungle. No health code violations will be rendered and nothing bad will happen.

I do need to refocus my attentions. Pocket Novels, right now, is important but not exactly urgent. We do want to get everything out ASAP, but I have to run on the timeline of other people. I mailed out the payments and signed contracts, I sent the books to the printer and check the email daily. Nothing urgent just yet.

Urgent tasks? My presentation for school. It's due Wednesday and my group hasn't met to discuss it. So I need to read the chapter and come up with the presentation myself. I'll get in trouble if the presentation isn't done. I won't get fired, but it won't help me in the long run. So, since it has a looming deadline, this gets filed as urgent.

See how it works? Though I have to think about it, I can categorize things into one category or the other. It's hard at first since I want to make everything urgent and important. It all seemed like they were. In reality? Most can easily be downgraded. So can my stress level.

After this, I'm going back to doing very little. I may clean the house today (it does need a decent one), but I'm not doing it if I don't feel like it. Today is my nothing day b/c that's what I feel like doing.

The week of too much

2011-09-12T20:20:00.004-05:00

Today is Monday, right? I have to keep looking at calendars and such to remind myself the week JUST started! I know my school days are not going to be normal ones. I know each day will be it's own mini-struggle, but, dear gods, what is going on with today?

It's not just the kids or work either, it's everything I need to get done this week that should have already been done. Like today, after work I drove through horrendous traffic to get to a print shop to drop off our proofs for Pocket Novels. Then drove home, put out the dog and went to do laundry at the Laundromat since I didn't get to do it on Sunday and currently have no work clothes.

I also walked the dog and tried to remember to eat dinner. I'm so exhausted it's not even funny. Yet, I still have plenty to do tonight before I can crawl into bed and fall into blissful sleep.

Tomorrow's no better. Actually, no day this week is really an easy one. I have to mow the grass, which is about a month overdue since I got hurt and couldn't mow it before. I have to find my way to post offices and banks before their five o'clock end of day despite the fact I don't leave work until around 4:30 and none of those facilities are near where I work.

I need to get to the gym, though an injury is currently benching me and has been for over a week. I will have pet care daily. The dog does not care how my day was, he only knows he's supposed to get a walk everyday it's not raining. The house is a wreck, or 'hot mess' as my teacher likes to say.

My to-do list is seriously longer than my available hours or patience. To top it off, I won't get to see Newanderthal for a month due to a bachelor party in another state. Don't get me wrong. I'm not begrudging him his time. He's very close to his cousin and I think he needs this guy camping time with his friends. It just sucks I got to see him for about three days and now have to wait a month before I get another three days with him (next month is the out of state wedding, so he needs to spend some home time back in Louisiana....once again, not begrudging him his time).

My writing? Yeah, that's nonexistent. My little voices have left my head or maybe they've died from neglect. I haven't a clue, I only know my what-if generator is turned off. Maybe I simply don't have the energy to fully charge it.

My biggest concern is money and how to get the Pocket Novel project off and running. I want it to do well because it's an awesome project. I want to do my part, only I worry that I'm going to ruin it somehow. I won't be a great salesperson and the stores won't want to carry it. I won't get word out and people won't buy them because they don't know about them. All kinds of things that keep me up at night.

I have personal/mental/emotional gripes too, but too tired to rehash what many of you have already read in numerous whining posts. This post is not whining, I just feel the need to get all of this out and there's not really anyone to talk to about it right now. Hence, my personal blog gets the effluvium of my mind.

On week down

2011-09-02T16:58:00.002-05:00

This was my first full week at the new school. Let's just say I'm extremely glad I have a three day weekend ahead of me. I am fully exhausted in a way I didn't know could happen.

Strange though, I can't say it's a BAD school or a BAD job. It's challenging. You can't even say the day is good or bad. Everything that happens needs to happen on a RIGHT NOW basis. Even if a kid decided to cuss out everyone and try to hit another student, that's not a bad DAY, that's a bad moment. They go out, try to settle and then come right back to class. Sometimes they can move on from it, sometimes it pops back up later. Heck, sometimes it's a completely different thing that sets them off later.

When someone asks how my day was, I'm having a hard time defining it into the old ways. Today was comparatively good. If this had been your first day at the school, you may have thought it was a bad day.

That's one of the things I'm liking. Even though I'm tired and often frustrated or near giving up on what I can do, I'm finding I need to be just like the students. If a student cussed me out in Language class, when I see him again in Math, we say hello, ask how the other is doing and move on from there. We can't change what we did, we can only try to get better from the moment we start.

I'm also finding I'm letting go of the little things very quickly. When a student asked how I managed to stay so calm throughout the day, I explained to him that letting my anger take over would do no good. I could feel how I wanted to, but there was only so much I could do. If I get overly angry at a student, then I can't be effective for anyone. I need to do what I can and let go when I realize I can't do more or that moment is over with.

I'm also learning to let go of my own mistakes. Usually if something small bothers me, it bothers me for the next century. I get mad and can't let go of it. This applies to myself. Yesterday and today I was not prepared in the way the teacher would have liked. I apologized and promised I would be on the ball. She told me I was doing a great job and not to worry. Basically? Things happen. We do the work and if we make a mistake, we correct it. There was no need for me to freak out all yesterday evening b/c I forgot to turn in the sheets she wanted me to. I can, however, remember better the next time I'm asked to do something.

Would I love a day where no student has to go to the safety room or even taken out of class? Would I love a day with no angry outbursts? Would I love a day where everyone gets along and they do their work without being constantly prompted? OMG, yes! Will it happen? Maybe, maybe not.

I cannot control what they do or how they react. I can control me and lead by example. I can praise good behavior and on-task work. I can point out to other staff members the great work they're doing. I am the only thing I can control each day I go in. I can smile at each student each morning, despite the day before. I can be ready to help them and others. I can process my negative emotions before they get the better of me. I can do quite a bit, but I can't do everything.

I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF THE WORLD.

Let me say that again for myself: I am not in control of the world. That may not seem like much to you or maybe it's obvious, but I have come to the conclusion most of my tension and anxiety stems from me trying to do just that. I get mad when other people do things I don't want them to or when things are out of my control. Now? I'm learning to handle ME (which is what we tell the kids a billion times a day).

If the situation isn't what I want. Well, that happens, doesn't it? We don't always get what we want. We can't always change the minds of others. Heck, I can't always change my own mind or feelings. I can control how I react to things. I can refocus myself. I can do a whole heck of a lot. (yes, I said that a few paragraphs ago, but I'm still learning this and repetition helps me).

I won't say I'm loving this job. I'm learning from it and, darn it, it's growing on me. I wish I wasn't so exhausted at the end of the day, but that may change. For now? I think this is one of those jobs you never thought you'd want but really think you're there for a reason.

Day by Day

2011-08-27T11:28:00.000-05:00

I started my new job two weeks ago but the real work has only been going on for two days. I can honestly say I had NO idea what the job entailed. I knew the students were at this school for different needs, but the anger and outbursts have been so difficult for me.

The first day it took everything I could not to cry b/c I was frustrated beyond belief. One student is far below the others and has serious anger issues. When the others say something he goes off. Instead of helping with classwork, I spent two days trying to break up fights and keep tempers down.

I will fully admit that I'm mentally exhausted. So exhausted that I didn't want to run my 5k race this morning. I'm happy that I did go because I feel a bit better about myself. I managed with a decent-for-me time and can now say I finished a race.

As for work? I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. I have to find a way to not let the previous day affect me negatively and do my best to help these students. That's what I'm there for anyway. It's not about me or my feelings. It's about the students.

I'm sure I'm going to have bad days, just like they are, but there is a BIG difference. When the school day's over, I go back to my 'normal life'. These students have to continue with their anger and frustration all day long. These guys are just starting out in life and have to overcome so many roadblocks. I'm getting paycheck and can find other work if I need to. These guys are struggling to find themselves a place in the world where they can do what I already do. They're struggling, I'm just trying to cheer them along and do what I can to help.

I know even if I have the worst day of my life at that school, it's still nothing compared to what they have to go through every day. I do want to help and hope I can make even a small difference.

New Beginnings

2011-08-15T22:01:00.000-05:00

The best part, for me, about a new story is the new beginning. Anything is possible when I start a story, even if I think I know the plot. New stories don't know or care about other stories I've written or how well I've written them. Each new idea is a chance to start over.

Thursday morning I will start a real new beginning. I FINALLY have a job after nearly 6 emotional months of job hunting. It's something new and different. I'm not sure how I'm going to like it or if I can handle all of the challenges, but it's a new beginning for me filled with new possibilities.

I'm excited and nervous, the same way I feel each time I start a new story. I like the feeling but wish I didn't have the nagging doubts that I may not be the person to write this particular story. That maybe I might not have the talent to do it properly.

No matter what, I start my new story. I'm hoping this job will at least give me the structure I need to focus on my other goals. I have to admit I've been more than a little depressed since we moved here but I think things are coming together.

The money will at least make me feel I'm contributing to our house and our future adventures. A trip down the Mississippi won't pay for itself, neither will printing and distributing our Pocket Novels. Even things like my personal adventures and hobbies I want to fund myself.

All in all, I'm eager to start this new chapter. I think it will lead to bigger and better things. If nothing else, it'll be something to do that will pay me!

Rewarding Writing

2011-07-29T21:36:00.000-05:00

So I have a dilemma. I've spent part of this evening coming up with a reward/punishment system to help me reach my goals. This is really easy when it comes to my fitness goals. Did I exercise? Did I lose weight? Yes or no. Simple as that.

I came across a problem when I was trying to put my writing into this system. What should I count as a good writing session? Should I count hours? Words written? Pieces completed?

See? It gets sticky. One day I may write a ton in a short amount of time or it might take me 3 hours to get a page or so out. Which of those is successful? Is either a failure if I managed to get something written? How can I go by pieces completed if I start a novel? That takes much longer than a short story or poem. What if I spend the day editing? Does that count?

I'm coming to the conclusion, my writing goals will need to be their own thing and cannot go into my pretty, colored paper reward system. I personally think any day I write anything is a success. However, for my system, I need a mark of success and I simply can't pick a good benchmark.

So...I guess I'll have to trust myself to meet my writing goals without my system. I haven't truly been lately, but I know why and hopefully will soon be over that. I do feel blocked creatively but I've been working on it. Words are coming out in trickles, but they're coming and I will keep scratching away until they start flowing a bit better.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to decide what counts as a success? What counts as a writing success for you?

Fear of Failure (One reason we don't follow our dreams)

2011-07-20T21:00:00.000-05:00

I truly believe every one of us has a gift inside that we can use to enrich our souls and make us happy. Most people consider the 'arts' to be the top of those gifts. You paint, write, play an instrument? You are among the elite! One of those who will find beauty in everything and must always live in a state of constant wonder with the world.

I, for one, do not have such a poetic entrancement with the world around me. Maybe I would if I lived on some wooded isle where sweet fruits grew, deer and rabbit loped through and I was sung to sleep by crickets and the nightengale as I gazed up at a deep blue sky with beautiful clear stars.

Alas, such is not my life. I won't say there's nothing in being an 'artist'. You do tend to see and hear things in a way that might not have struck a chord with others. I adore the feeling of being in the middle of a piece and flying through, almost as if I have no control and some unknown entity is singing the words from my brain to my furiously typing fingers.

However, that is NOT how I usually feel. Artistic projects are a job, something you have to work at even if you have some natural talent. Those in business who rise to the top of their profession are simply those with talent and work ethic/competitive streak/luck/no moral compulsions. Such is the same for art as well.

I may get a wonderful idea but have no clue where to start, no clue of the who/what/when/where which are all very important when telling a story. I have single sentences that were ideas from years ago I don't know what I'll do with.

There's not much magical about writing, not in a way I can explain. See, to most writers, we don't always know everything going on in our own story or head. We THINK we know, but not always. When characters are talking, plot is moving and things are happening, it doesn't feel like work. However, when you seem very alone, staring at a white screen or blank paper, then you realize work is involved.

Sometimes outlines have to be made. Sometimes you need to get index cards and make a wall looking very much like a genius on the verge of some great mathematical or scientific breakthrough (maybe if we could add the letters up, we'd learn some secret of the world). Sometimes you have to stare at a wall for a few hours until the spark comes in. Sometimes you have to take a nap.

At some point though, you will have to write. You will have to pull out your writing instruments and put down words, even if they're bad. ESPECIALLY if they're bad. Sometimes you have to write forty pages of worthlessness to get to one good scene.

To many people, writing that bad stuff is unacceptable, so they wait. They wait for the perfect idea, perfect time. They wait for it all to come together THEN they will write.

I'm sorry, but it very rarely works out that way. In fact, in most cases the perfect time comes right smack dab in the middle of when you were sitting there for three hours writing bad stuff. That perfect idea is waiting to be on page 15, paragraph 3, line four of a 35 page bad idea.

Artists can freeze themselves up waiting to not fail. You MUST fail in the same way you failed several times at walking before you got it right. With very little exception, you failed at everything the first time you tried it. Mostly when you were a child, when you didn't believe that falling down or getting it wrong the first time was failure. You just believed you had to do it again until you could do it right.

That's how writing works. It's not failure if you write a really, really bad scene or if your character comes across flat. It's just the first time you did it and you get to try it again and again until you get it right. Remember in school when you had to do a ROUGH draft before you could correct it? Yeah, that applies to all writing, not just those essays on tigers and President Lincoln.

If I can say anything to new writers or even seasoned 'veterans': Don't be afraid to get it wrong. The path is not always clear and even when it seems to be, unexpected detours happen. Don't be afraid to write the worst story you believe anyone in the history of writing has ever written. I swear to you it's not that bad. How can you fix it until you know what needs to be fixed?

Don't be afraid of perceived failure. I will tell you the true definition of failure. If you don't believe me, feel free to look it up in the dictionary. Failure is 'omission of occurrence or performance; specifically : a failure to perform a duty or expected action.'

In this case, failure only comes when you don't write, don't paint, don't play, don't do whatever it is that makes you feel like you're doing SOMETHING. If you didn't perform your duties at work, you'd be fired. If you don't perform your duties as an artist, you're failing. Nowhere in the definition I gave you does it say you have to perform it perfectly, just that you have to perform.

You have to perform to get better at it as well. It's a bit like exercise. It's hard the first time you do it and you may even feel stupid when it's over, but some part of you has been strengthened. Each time you do it, you get better. Maybe you'll make some of the same mistakes over and over, but they can be fixed the next time. If you want to become a strong artist, keep performing.

I have so many other reasons I believe people don't follow their dreams, but I truly feel this is the most common. Keep going. Keep being artistic. Allow yourself mistakes but don't let them stop you. I promise you'll get better, stronger and more secure about yourself as an artist as long as you keep showing up and keep trying.

Pros and Cons of Being in a Relationship with a Writer

2011-07-16T11:42:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine recently sent me several online articles about why writers shouldn't date other writers. The biggest problems they stated were:

- Writing is not mysterious to them, so they will not romanticize, mythologize, or idealize what you
    do.
- You will not as easily be able to get out of things because you need to write. (And you should be
     able to. You should be able say “I can’t go to the movie tonight like I said I would, because I got      this idea and I have to write it down, otherwise I’ll lose momentum.” It’s a legitimate excuse.Paradoxically, non-writers are much more understanding about these things than writers.)
- Reading and/or critiquing each other’s work is terribly awkward and fraught with nuance. It may
    result in the laying of emotional landmines.
- If you are more successful than they are, they will, at least on some level, be jealous. If they are
    more successful than you, you will, at least on some level, be jealous.
- One person using the relationship as material is problematic enough. Both people using it is like
    CatDog trying to eat itself.
- You will be poor.

I'm assuming this friend was trying to be helpful, but why send someone article after article telling them why a relationship will fail? I find that incredibly odd. While some people did list a few 'pros', nearly every article listed only cons.

What I found incredibly interested was one 'pro' of dating a writer was that when the relationship failed miserably, you would have plenty of material to use in your writing. They even went on to list famous writing couples that fell apart and wrote some of their best work after the breakup.

Today I will give my own view on what it's like to date and even be very close friends with other writers. Of course, these experience are only what I have personally dealt with in my own circle of writing friends. I will never assume that it will be the same for all writing couples/friends.

Pro: They completely understand when your story gets derailed by a character NOT following your outline or an unexpected plot twist popping up mid-climax.
Con: They also completely understand that such a derailment CAN be fixed, but you have to sit down and work on it.

Pro: They will give you time to write when you ask for it (not sure who the above author was with, but they sound like a jerk)
Con: If they give you said time, you actually have to write or have some work. Other authors know the difference between brainstorming and daydreaming.

Pro: They will listen when you wail about how horrible a writer you are and how you will never make it and will be counted as a fraud and never had talent and woe is me.
Con: They will LISTEN but expect you to come out from under the blankets and get back to writing once your tantrum is over.

Pro: You have someone who will listen to your insane plot ramblings and still love you.
Con: You have someone who knows how truly insane you actually are (which could be a factor in competency hearings).

Pro: They are willing to offer advice when you get stuck on a plot point.
Con: You sometimes cannot get them to STOP offering advice when you get stuck on a plot point.

Pro: Usually you're all in the same boat money-wise, so you don't have to worry about feeling like the poor relation
Con: You're usually all poor (I agree with that above instance, but it's not b/c of writing, but b/c there's rarely a trust fund writer around)

Pro: They know about the craziness involved in writing any work to the end and you feel you're not alone out there.
Con: They know about the craziness involved in writing, so you lose the writer's mystique b/c everyone has their own example of when that happened to them.

Pro: You can sit at a table and write for hours on end without feeling like you're ignoring the other person.
Con: You can sit at a table and TALK for hours on end b/c you've been in your head for too long by yourself. This translates to 4 hour 'writing' sessions where all you do is talk

Pro: You have someone willing to give you an honest critique about your work.
Con: You have someone willing to give you an HONEST critique about your work.

Pro: You will always have access to brand new and exciting works to read by other writers.
Con: You will have to give an in-depth analysis on exactly what you liked and didn't like. (Saying: 'I liked the story' is NEVER good enough. You have to go to the next level and explain why the one scene where the character eats a slice of pizza moved you to the depths of your soul b/c you know the character can never eat a pizza without thinking of her old lover who died in a fiery crash right before prom)

Pro: You will have someone willing to build you up when you're feeling low about your craft and talent.
Con: Sometimes you feel low about your craft b/c your friends/partner seems to have so much more talent than you.

Pro: Writers see and hear everything on a different level and sitting around talking to them will leave you with a plethora of great ideas or at least a good line to use.
Con: Most writers already have a plethora of ideas and their friends simply add to the growing list, like feeding a forest fire or giving crack to a drug addict.

Pro: Screaming "OOH!" and pulling out a notebook in the middle of a conversation or other activity is completely acceptable.
Con: You can usually hear snickering while you do this. (not really a con b/c they'll get their comeuppance eventually)

Pro: Your friends/partner will celebrate any writerly success you accomplish.
Con: You have to celebrate their successes even if makes you want to spit blood in envy. (If you are not happy for them on some level, even far beneath the envy, you don't really care about them)

Pro: You can talk to them about murder plots, zombie invasions, robberies, monsters, etc and they will gladly join in with their own dark plots
Con: You usually do this in public places and are probably on more than one national watch list.

I will fully admit that if you are a person who writes to be 'special' or the center of attention, you won't do well in any writer/writer relationship. Writers have to share their time, talent, and attention with other writers in order for it to work. Yes, there will be times you REALLY don't want to hear about their latest plot b/c you want to talk about yours, but you shut up and listen b/c that's what friends/partners do.

I am one of the worst when it comes to envy and have completely lost confidence in my own writing when I read a spectacular work by one of my friends or by Newanderthal. That is my personal problem, not theirs. I know full well that many of my friends will have great writing success in the future that I may not be brave enough to try for. Once again, my problem, not theirs.

What's great is that I love my writer friends deeply and really always do celebrate them. I truly hope I've allowed them to express their hopes, dreams and fears without overrunning them with mine. An artistic relationship in any form is a balance I hope I have achieved on some level.

My only other bit of advice? Find things to talk about and do together that does not involve writing. Newanderthal and I do a great deal of outdoor things and other normal couple stuff. Writing is very important to each of us but it's not all our relationship is built on and thank god for that.

With my other dear writing friends, we also have so many other things we do together. Gracie and I bonded over Met operas and how unsophisticated they truly were. I love following Elegant Lion's blog about homeschooling and her FB posts never cease to make me laugh, squint in confusion about the human race or get downright up in arms about something (this is a good thing). When we were all living in the same area, I was absolutely giddy with excitement when we got to hang out and coffee shops and just talk.

I'm sure they can tell you stories about times I annoyed them and maybe how they wish I wasn't so dramatic sometimes, but I believe our relationships are strong. I know I can turn to any of my writing friends and have them understand ANY situation on a deeper level than non-artists. I, in turn, do my best to find the right thing to say or do (like just listening) if they have a problem, be it writing or nonwriting.

So, dear person who sent me the articles on failed writing relationships, I thank you for the insight, but wouldn't trade my writing relationships for anything in the world. I have found them deeper and more alive than many I have had. Yes, our artistic temperaments may cause awkward times but we also know the difference between "I'm mad at you" and "I'm mad at me but taking it out on you".

To my writing friends and partner, I love you guys! I know I'm crazy, but let's face it, so are you. Let's raise a glass of whatever beverage you have on hand then get back to writing! ONE of us needs to hurry up and become famous so we can take the others on a grand adventure (in which the nonfamous amongst you will secretly be seething in envy and order the most expensive things on the menu out of spite).

Pimping 'Not All of Me Will Die'

2011-07-15T16:16:00.001-05:00

A few months back I was asked, yet again, if someone could read my writing. Every time this happens, I immediately want to say 'no' because I know how it's going to end. I spend hours upon hours going over my entire body of work to find something that would fit into the person's reading likes. After I do that and select a few short stories and poems (never email my novels to anyone just casually asking), I email this work out.

Then I wait, and wait and wait...a year later, I break down and ask the person what they thought about my work. It's always the same thing "Oh, I got really busy and never got a chance to look it over". To that I want to say something mean and childish with perhaps a few curse words.

I then thought up a great idea. I put all of my work I wasn't considering for publication on a blog. This took me a bit of time as well, but it was all there. Now, if someone asks to read my work, I simply send them the blog link and NEVER ask them anything again. I know they still aren't reading it and I simply don't care. I don't care because I'm not agonizing over picking the perfect story just for them.

Yes, when we published the Ten Dime Novels, soon to be Pocket Novels, I was worried about my audience. It was my very first real publication. People bought my stories to support me, but several didn't read them. Some did and are now concerned about me because they didn't know I wrote things like that. You can't please them all, especially not family members who think I write happy, light stories.

If anyone is interested in reading my highly unedited work, you can find it here. Comments, criticism, hate mail, or corrections are welcome. I update the blog every so often if I write something that is 1) not a novel, 2) not being considered for Pocket Novel Publishing or 3) something I feel can actually be posted (yes, I do have work I'm not sharing for reasons that are none of your business...read *porn*....family members are now even more shocked than before).

Ps. Pocket Novel Publishing does not have the fancy website up yet, but you can find out a bit more by clicking on the links below:
- Facebook1 OR Facebook2
- Twitter: @pocketnovels
- Blog
- Email: pocketnovels@yahoo.com

The world winning?

2011-07-14T11:54:00.000-05:00

     Yesterday I received some heartbreaking news from a dear friend. The news affected me so much that I spent the entire day trying not to cry but did so anyway several times. While the news was enough to sadden me to so much of a point, the reason it lingered was b/c it only showed me how unfair the world can be. I was so sad for the friend but I was also so angry at several others who I felt didn't deserve the blessings they received.
     I know there's really nothing I can do but grieve and be there for the friend. That's what I hate the most. Everything the world has thrown at me lately, I cannot offer a counterattack. There's no one and nothing to attack. Things happen and I have to bear under it until something turns around. I am not good at that kind of thing. If something is wrong, I have to fix it.
     It seems as if the world is winning despite my best efforts. I'm sure I will be told 'everything happens for a reason' and 'there's a lesson to be learned from this'. Currently I feel like the world sucks and there's no real reason to anything. Bad and good things happen to bad and good people in whatever order they want to. There's no rhyme or reason I can see.

Jeff Goins: The One Fear

2011-07-08T10:30:00.002-05:00

Today's post is taken directly from Jeff Goins' blog: http://goinswriter.com/ While this is written for writers, I think it applies to ANY passion you have.

The One Fear that Will Destroy Your Art

“The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have one great fear. One haunting apparition. This nagging feeling lurks around every corner in life, waiting to destroy me.

What am I afraid of?

I am afraid to be myself.
I am afraid to write. Nay, to consider myself a writer.
I am afraid to be what I am. To try, to fail, to grow.
I am afraid to be wrong, to be humbled, to admit the truth. I’ve failed before, and therefore I will fail again.

I am afraid.

I am going to kick fear in the ass and do what I must do, anyway.
I am going to write. Some good words. Some bad. Some great prose, some terrible. But I will write without complaint or apology as if my life depended on it.
Because, in fact, it does. My inner life suffers when I do not answer this call to be me.

The cost of not pursuing a dream is greater than the cost of failure.

I love what one person recently said about living out his calling to be a writer.
Someone asked, “How does he do it?”
To which another replied, “The more difficult question is how did he not do it all these years?”
How is it that you have spent all this time, dodging your dreams?

Are you afraid?

Not of failure, but of success?
Of being who you really are? Of being exposed?
You are not alone.
Not all failure looks like devastation. Sometimes, it looks like succeeding in the wrong things. Or deferring your hope for another day.
Or letting fear hold you back from living an adventurous, creative life.

It’s scary to be yourself.

To be that raw and honest and vulnerable. That’s why most choose to hide.
Not me. Not any longer.

Today, I choose my dreams.

Today, I am a writer.
Today, I face the dragon of self-doubt and step into destiny.
I will be myself.
And tomorrow, I will have to do it again.
What about you? What are you afraid of?

The Itch of the Century

2011-07-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

     My entire life, one thing has been true...I have been immune to poison ivy, sumac and oak. It's just a general rule. I could basically roll in the stuff and NOTHING would happen. Great, great ability for those of us in love with the outdoors.
     This constant was broken two weeks ago when I did some major yard work, cutting down some vines and clearing out a section of yard that has been overgrown for months. I didn't think anything of it b/c of my natural immunity. I was carting around armloads of leaves and vines with no protection.
     Of course, I still am careful around poison ivy b/c I didn't want to get itchy. What I didn't realize is that particular section of the yard has some lovely overgrown spots of poison sumac...something I didn't know how to identify.
     These last two weeks have been the most miserable in a while. I am sooooo itchy and nothing seems to stop the rashes. I'm taking oatmeal baths, coating myself with calamine lotion and hydrocortisone cream as well as eating oatmeal. Still, itchy patches keep popping up daily. I haven't yet broken down to go to the doctor since I have no fever and the patches are those scary, huge blisters I have seen on the internet.
     There is no part of me not begging to be scratched. My arms look the worst. I wish they didn't look so 'contagious' since I have an interview this Wednesday. I will wear longer sleeves for that interview, but it's going to be a hot one.
     Not much I can do. If the rashes don't ease or if I find more in a week, I'm going to the doctor, whether I can afford it or not. I've never dealt with poison ivy, but now I know the pain of my fellow sufferers now. It's definitely not fun.

Knowledge is power!

Official Goals

2011-06-22T23:58:00.000-05:00

     Sooo...tonight I finally did it. I signed up for my very first ever 5k on August 27th. I will admit something....I AM TERRIFIED!!
     I have been out of shape my entire life. Actually, I'm still very out of shape. Due to medication, I am 50lbs heavier than I was about a year ago. It's killing me b/c I worked so hard to lose that weight. For some reason, losing it again is incredibly hard.
   Despite that, I needed the motivation of the 5k to run. Honestly? I'm doing this one, the Yiasou Greek Festival 5k, b/c I want the tickets to the Greek festival. Every runner gets two free tickets and...well, I have a thing for authentic gyros.
     I am also going to use what time I have left of my 5k training to get into better shape. I will use my weights, walk more, and exercise until I can become a healthier me.
     What about writing? I'm setting goals for that too. Of course, I still have to finish my 50k for WriDaNoJu (still waaaaay behind). I plan to take time out everyday to write. I need to work on shorter pieces, but I also want to go over outlines to do longer works. I have several novels to do and haven't been able to accomplish it just yet.
     I still wish I had a good job and some sort of motivational buddy to help me out, but it seems like I have to do it mostly on my own. I've done it 'alone' most of my life. I still have some great friends and my love to cheer my on, though. I wish they could do it WITH me, but sometimes, well, a cheering section is all you need!

WriDaNoJu Day 18

2011-06-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

     Soooo much writing to catch up on! According to the WriDaNoJu calendar, I should have written a minimum of 30,008 by today. I won't tell you my word count, but let's just say it's a bit less than that. Okay, okay, QUITE a bit less than that.
     Mostly I've been running, watching Netflix, doing my tutoring sessions and just feeling sorry for myself. After yesterday, I am officially unemployed again. Not too keen about that b/c we could really use an extra income about now, especially to get the Pocket Novel Publishing (or here) project off the ground and to save money for things we need (bills, food, house, savings account) and want (trips, electronics, etc).
     I do feel horrible that my Newanderthal has to be on the road so much just to keep us afloat. We've been talking about the economy and fall of the middle class. On what he makes, we should be doing fairly well, but not so anymore. Luckily, neither of us has debt. We only owe for monthly bills, no credit card debt, mortgages or car payments. We try not to live above our means and that has allowed me the 5 months (and counting) it's taking for me to find a job in our current workplace mess.
   However, I know he doesn't want to be away from home for nearly a month at a time. He has a creative and adventurous spirit. Spending so much time just on work is slowly strangling him. I've been trying so hard to find anything with a paycheck but it's a struggle. I need to find something soon to ensure we can do what we want and he can possibly find a local route. A local route will put him home practically every night. He'll also have more time to explore the state we've moved to.
   With the lack of work and a few other mental struggles, I haven't made my writing a priority. Of course, with each day that passes I get further behind and feel the enormity of it all. But then, I was always a procrastinator. Let's see how much I can get written without having even a 2 hour a day job to distract me.

WriDaNoJu Day 7

2011-06-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

Ick. I wish I had more positive things to say, but I'm still struggling. My writing isn't where it's supposed to be and I took an entire week off from running. I did run yesterday, but this morning I couldn't make myself get up to run today. I have made a promise to myself that I will run tonight after walking the dog.

As for writing? I WILL get at least the minimum 1,667 words today, even though that will keep me behind the 11,669 I'm supposed to have total.

Either I give up or I accept the fact I've let things slide and pick up the best I can. I want to berate myself and let the dark voices be right, but I can't. If they do, I will completely quit. No time for that!

WriDaNoJu Day 5

2011-06-05T09:53:00.000-05:00

It is currently June 5th and, oh dear God, I am already so far behind! Actually, for WriDaNoJu, if I can write about 100 words tonight, I will be right on target. The rest of life? Not so much.

My love, Newanderthal, has been home for about a week. He has his own sort of schedule that tends to conflict with mine at times. First, he's very gregarious so we end up going to lots of get-togethers while he's here. Some that last fairly late.

No matter how late he goes to bed, he wants to get up at the crack of dawn. As it says in the author interview of Good Omens, I truly believe mornings happen to other people. Or, at least, they should.

I have NOT been running in a week. It's partly my own fault. I tripped on a tree root last Sunday and hurt the top of my foot. I could walk and run, but after I stopped my foot would throb and swell. Why didn't I run once it was healed? B/c my love had his own schedule and I was barely getting up in time to head out with him.

I dropped Newanderthal off at his truck this morning and came home to a mountain-load of chores. The house? A mess. The yard? Totally need to mow and trim hedges. Just a myriad of things to do. Not to mention I start tutoring again tomorrow for two weeks.

Eh, it'll all get done. I would normally stress right now, but I'm far too tired! Still, on to what I'm supposed to do!

Write a Damn Novel in June

2011-05-31T21:33:00.000-05:00

It's after 10 pm and I'm exhausted. Not so much because of what I did today, in fact, I did nothing very physically taxing. I had to sit out running because I injured my foot and had to let it heal (didn't hurt my foot running).

Why am I so tired? Mental exhaustion brought on by the fact that tomorrow is Day 1 of Write a Damn Novel in June. WriDaNoJu is very similar to NaNoWriMo in the fact that you must write a 50,000 word novel in one month. I *thought* I was ready, but apparently things have gone haywire with my story.

Nothing truly surprising. I wasn't as prepared for the writing challenge as I could have been. I could have spent a bit more time going over my materials and truly outlining my writing path. Didn't do that though. Nope, didn't do that at all.

The worst part is this is nothing new. I tend to do this for EVERY writing challenge. I'm not really an outline writer anyway, but the procrastinating is something I'm all too familiar with. I KNOW I procrastinate but yet to try and do much about it (yes, I AM procrastinating on fixing my procrastination problem).

Lately I've been a bit depressed and have focused more on that than my writing. The fact that I still don't have a job bothers me. The fact that my wonderful Newanderthal has to take care of me bothers me. The fact that my ten year high school reunion is THIS year bothers me. The fact that my writing isn't where I'd like it to be bothers me. In essence, I'm focusing on what I don't have or didn't accomplish that it's clouding my thoughts.

I know I'll find a job and in the meantime, I'm lucky enough to have a love who can afford to pay the bills and loves me enough to support me until I can get the job situation worked out. I know I've accomplished so much in the 10 years since high school. I'm a completely different person and truly love the direction my life is taking. There may be many miles yet to go, but I'm so much further than I was in May of 2001.

I am trying to focus on the positive. I need to focus a bit more though because when those horrid dark voices start telling me my failures and losses, I can't always shake them. It's an ongoing battle but one I know I'm winning.

In spite of all that, come tomorrow morning, no matter how I feel, I have 1,667 words to write. Skipping even one day will put me behind enough to where I may not be able to catch up. So...I guess I should just write!

Finding Structure

2011-05-23T12:36:00.001-05:00

I'm proud to say I'm still running. Today I actually ran a continuous mile. My runs are usually walk runs, for this week, are at least 2 miles. I still have to walk a bit, but considering I'm running more than walking and seeing progress every week, I'm very happy with it.

The great part is this is the longest I've stuck to a running program. It's gotten to the point where running is becoming a habit...it's structured in my day. Even on days I really don't feel like going out, I still dress and run. I have all sorts of mantras stolen from others that I use:

* You don't have to go fast, you just have to go.

* The miracle wasn't that I finished. The miracle was I had the courage to start. - John "The Penguin" Bingham

* Courage to start. Strength to Endure. Resolve to Finish.

* Keep going, the road has to lead somewhere. - Joe Hill

One thing I'm NOT structuring into my day is writing. I have plenty of time, but I keep finding ways to put it off. Mostly I tell myself reasons why I suck or why the story won't work. In other words, I talk myself down from writing. My biggest excuse can be summed in the below comic:

Some of my friends try to tell me that if I can find time to write every day, why can't I write? Well, there is no GOOD reason. I will say that running and writing are two very different mental games for me. I don't have to truly think when I write, just persevere. I push myself as far as I can go before slowing down. The only real thinking I have to do while running is to pay attention to traffic and make sure I know where I am.

Writing is completely different. Writing requires thought as well as talent. I can't just push myself to type more words. Unlike miles, the words have to make sense, the route from beginning to end needs to work.

Still, WriDaNoJu is coming and I must start making writing time as important as my running time. I have the ideas and I know once I sit down and start typing, I can get through the first draft. I just have to stop getting in my own way. Both running and writing are mental games and I already know if you tell yourself you can't do it before you start, you simply won't.

What does this mean? I can write. I've finished plenty of poems, short stories and novels. I just need to sit down and get into the game. I did it before and, let's face it, it's not nearly as tiring as running two miles!

Runners who write?

2011-05-16T12:35:00.000-05:00

Something is quickly becoming apparent to me. Right now I can balance my two *hobbies*, running and writing. Since one requires me to be up and moving and one requires me to sit on my butt, the two seem very at odds.

Right now they're not. I have plenty of time in the day to do both. Usually I sleep in a bit and wake up to run. I go to my little tutoring job then come home to walk the dog and write. It's a balanced routine and has been working for me.

There is a snag that will soon be coming up. I'm after a full-time job. Let's face it, our household needs two incomes to do all we want to do. I have a nibble on a job that, if I get it, will be full time. What struck me just a little while ago is that my nice balance may get thrown out of whack. Seriously out of whack.

Let's assume the job will be 8-5 (or any 9 hr shift). I have to find time to run and write. To move and sit for significant periods of time. Oh, and take care of the dog, and sleep, and shower and take care of everyday life. I know I shouldn't worry about it. The job isn't in the bag and I can't assume it'll truly cause issues.

I suppose my biggest worry is, if I get this job, my varying shifts will mess with things. This particular job will require me to work some weekends and be on call. I worry I'll be in the middle of running or writing and get a call.

What to do? Continue on with my life, as it currently is. When I get a full time job, I'll find a way to work around my schedule. It's that simple right? We'll see.

The cost of living

2011-05-14T19:11:00.000-05:00

   Today was the first day I had to drop $100 on a tank of gas. I nearly stopped breathing due to that fact. Seriously...for a second, I lost all mental capacities.
   I knew this would happen. With our truck, it's not cheap to fill up. Granted, I don't go far so my gas will last longer. Even though I knew the amount of gas would go up, I didn't think it would go up this high this soon.
   Since I don't have a full time job, I can't justify going out any longer. My weekend hiking trips are now out. If I can't walk to it or if I can survive without it, I'll have to. I won't get paid from my job until *maybe* early July. My bank account has no income. Yes, Jason pays the bills and whenever he's in town, we go out to have dinner and the like. I, however, cannot do things like that on my own.
   It kind of sucks in a way. Summer is coming and it's prime time to get out and go to concerts, go hiking the mountains, see summer movies, etc. It's okay that I can't do these things, but I would love have the choice.
   I figure since I can't go out much (can still walk to several cool places and there are free things to do), I can focus more on running, writing, and reading. What's great is the library nearest me will be opening next month. There is a library about 2.5 miles from me but I'd have to walk there and it's not an easy walk. The other library will only be 1.1 miles.
   Jason is also looking into getting a bike for me so I can ride further and do my chores without driving. There will be other changes to. My little food cravings? No more. If I don't have it in the house or if it's not a staple (or if it's not something Jason is willing to buy when he's home), I just can't have it. It'll help me eat healthier too.
   Eventually I will get a full time job and I hope that the lessons I learn from this further belt-tightening will carry over. I'm a fairly frugal person, so it shouldn't be too hard. We'll just have to see.

Busy Pouting

2011-05-12T09:24:00.000-05:00

Dear God, I am a whiny thing! Yesterday was my 'rest' day, as in, no running. I read that you have to have rest days to let your muscles, and body in general, catch up to the good things you're doing to it.

Let me tell you about my rest day: I DID NOTHING! I slept in all morning, got no writing done and basically felt horrible. The only thing I did at all yesterday was a tutoring session, walk Rocco and the dishes. Not joking, that is ALL I did in an entire day.

No, this isn't the point of a rest day. You're supposed to stay active. I had planned lots of writing and weights. Did none of it b/c I whimpered and whined. I just couldn't work with my own self at all.

So when today came, I was still in less than a good mood. My alarm went off and I didn't want to get up, so I didn't. I let myself sleep in until my whiny self couldn't think of a good reason to stay in bed. I was supposed to dress for a run, but I didn't want to go, so I didn't at first. I let my whiny self check email and play on FB. I sat for a bit with Netflix on and pouted.

THEN I put on my running clothes and went for a run. Of course, I whined during that too. I didn't want to run so much, I wanted to walk...so I let myself walk, once I got a good workout in. Actually, today I ran 1.66 miles with only .35 of those being walking. Best I've done so far.

I'm still whining about writing, which should be going on now, but I may allow myself to whine about it until after tutoring today. Then I will sit down and get a decent amount of work done.

Basically, I've been treating myself like I do the one student in my tutoring sessions who keeps giving me negative feedback. He doesn't want to be in tutoring. I thank him for being able to share his feelings with me openly and explain that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. In those times, the best thing we can do is try to have fun. When he told me later he didn't want to be there and wanted to call his grandmother, once again I thanked him for sharing and told him he could call his grandmother as soon as tutoring was over and we went back to the office.

Today, I'm being that student. I let myself complain and when I can, I give myself options. However, I'm only delaying my real goal by maybe an hour or so. I'm still going to do it, but I know if my mental state is fighting me, I won't get anything out of it. That's why I let my mental state pout like a child then when it feels it's had its way, I move on to what I had already planned.

I'm happy about my training so far. I can see small progress and considering I still have nearly three full months before the race, I hope to continue seeing progress. As long as I can get that immature part of me to cooperate!

Running away

2011-05-09T19:57:00.000-05:00

Today I managed two runs! Don't think I'm overdoing it. Both runs were short and I did about as much walking as I did running. I feel good that I managed to get out twice. Of course, my writing sort of suffered. For example, this blog is the most I've written today, but it's only 9 and maybe I can crank out a few words before I need sleep.

I have to admit I'm still very nervous about all of my shiny new goals. Still, a promise is a promise and I promised myself I would do this. This time, when I say I'm running away, I'm actually meeting a goal! Now...to figure out how to get my fingers to run away with some great story idea!

What have I done?

2011-05-08T20:57:00.000-05:00

I was told that in order to meet my goals, I should set dates. Okay, good...that's what I'm going to do! *My big freakin' mouth*

I have been saying to just about everyone I was planning to run my first 5k right before the Greek festival here in Charlotte. Turns out the race is supposed to be late August. OMG...I can barely squeak out a decent half-mile without stopping...and now I plan to RUN 5k in roughly 15 weeks? Yeah, totally have to get my butt in gear. No more sitting around being lazy. The only way to get ready for that race is to...well, run!

The sitting side I will have to do...I have to write. WriDaNoJu is quickly coming up and my outline is NOT done. My writing schedule is NOT set and, quite frankly, I'm NOT in a writing mindset. Still, my daring Newanderthal bought me a new Mac. I have to write.

The worst thing I can do right now is freak out. I set up doable goals for myself and all I have to do is DO them. I sorta, kinda limped into my 'schedules' on Saturday but managed to sit out today. Tomorrow I can't do that, nor the day after or the day after that. In order to meet my goals, I have to write and run. I have to find time to move and run. Going to be an interesting combination, but, as I said, completely doable.

I'll try to check in and let you know where I am on my goals!

2011-05-06T20:48:00.000-05:00

So here I sit, my first week of Title I Tutoring over and with a weekend set out before me. Not like the tutoring really got in the way. I only work 2.5 hours a day...late in the day. I have plenty of time rolling out ahead of me.

What am I doing with that time? Apparently not much except complaining, worrying and avoiding anything that resembles productivity. I have been told by numerous people who truly love me that I am not doing myself any favors. In fact, they go on to tell me, I'm doing serious harm to my self-esteem as well as devaluing myself and my work.

I am a worrier and do fight depression. In other words, I tend to go into a sort of circle whenever something comes along. Not a spiral, just a rut that tends to lead back to where I started.

In the coming weeks, expect more blogs of me telling you EXACTLY what I'm doing. I need to be held accountable for my actions and blogging about them may help. Tomorrow I start up the running and writing. I'm going to get into good habits and keep them. I need to climb out of my rut and move on with life.

I know I've lost my way as of late, but the path is becoming clear. It was always there, I only refused to look up from the hole I dug myself. No more.

OMG...A BLOG!

2011-04-30T16:40:00.001-05:00

I used to blog on a semi-regular basis, but if you've been following lately, you'll have noticed I've been seemingly slacking. Not so, my fine feathered friend!

Why 'not so' when you can clearly count on one hand the number of times I've blogged since the start of 2011? Well, it hasn't been laziness or lack of things to say *complain* about. It's been that I haven't had a decent computer to get on this site! All of that has changed and I can continuously annoy all of you on a regular basis!

Here's the story thus far: Newanderthal and I moved to Charlotte in late Feb of this year. I had all the giddy hopes that life would be perfect. I'd find a great job that paid me tons of money. I'd make so many new friends I'd have to hand out coupon vouchers for my time. I'd explore all of the state and spend endless hours in out in NATURE.

Real life turned out to be a different story. Things have gotten much better, but one thing I wasn't expecting was to be unemployed for over two months. Thankfully, Newanderthal's job can pay the bills but all of my extra 'wants' were sadly put on hold. I would longingly stare at the items I wanted and make myself turn away before I found a nice way to steal it all.

The hardest thing for me to be without was a decent computer. My PC laptop, not all that old, but ancient in PC terms, had this not-so-cute quirk of being unable to open all the way without the screen going dark. I had to find the perfect angle so I could use it. However, tilted laptops make it impossible to type...a must for a writer. So this laptop had to be used with an external keyboard and mouse. Oh, and did I mention that it had some odd possible virus that made it throw temper tantrums after being used for more than an hour? Yeah, fun!

So, Newanderthal let me use his 8-10 year old Mac since he had a shiny new one. Being that old, you'd be surprised at how well it worked. I could type all day on that....but I couldn't do all of my online work b/c the operating system was too old and couldn't use the newer web browsers. Goodbye twitter, blogger, hotmail, hulu, any map system, most of facebook, etc.

Being that I'm also the first person any Pocket Novelist speaks to, I needed to be wired at nearly all times. One computer would let me type, one would let me surf. And so it went for a while, since I knew in my little heart I couldn't get a laptop until I had a job.

Newanderthal knew of my plight and pledged to put up half the money for me once I could afford the other half. He too assumed I'd have a job before long. With all the time passing and the computers being able to do less and less, I was truly frustrated.

Today, Newanderthal and I went to Best Buy. I stared longingly at the MacBook Pros, wishing I was employable. To my great surprise, when a BB employee asked if he could help us, Newanderthal pointed to my long wished for laptop and said he wanted one. He then proceeded to pull out an envelope of cash, money he had pulled from his account that morning and paid for it.

To be perfectly honest, I had a mix of emotions. One part of me, the part that's had to work since before I was 14 to help pay bills, the part that always has to settle for hand-me-downs, or less than best to get by, was a tiny bit pride-bitten. I should have had a job and bought it for myself. My boyfriend shouldn't have had to take even more money to buy me something I could live without. Heck, he's already paying the bills and now he's buying me expensive electronics?

The other part of me was so thrilled it took everything I had not to cry right there in the store. You already read my post on the Amazing Newanderthal, the man I truly love and adore. He's done so much for me and now getting me a computer was a tiny bit too much. I managed to hold my tears until alone in the house. I broke when the Apple Welcome Clip played.

He does love me and buying me a laptop wasn't a ploy to win my affections. Like I said, he knew it was getting hard for me to do anything online. He knew I had to stay on top of the Pocket Novel accounts. He knew I needed a computer that didn't lean too far one way or the other so I could write comfortably. He knew I just wanted one after all the years I've had to deal with second rate computers. He loved me enough to figure out how to get me what I wanted and he did.

Of course, I feel the need to do something spectacular for him, though at the moment I can't think of what I could do. Still, he knows I appreciate the gesture and he knows I love him, not b/c he bought me this laptop but b/c he cared enough about me to want to make a small dream of mine come true. He's always trying to make me smile and though this smile had a price tag attached, it's something he wanted to do.

The Amazing Newanderthal

2011-04-11T21:15:00.000-05:00

I am writing from a fairly calm mental perspective tonight. Mostly it's because Newanderthal is in for the week and everything is basically a vacation. I love when he's home because I can feel like the old adventurous me again. I don't long for a job (much, just the paycheck) because I know if I had one I couldn't spend practically every waking moment of his week long home time with him. I'm not brooding about what I don't have or how I can't seem to find motivation to do more than crawl out of bed.

Newanderthal basically makes me more me. I don't change into a superwoman for him, but just knowing he's right there makes me feel like we could tackle anything...and usually we do.

He's only been home for three days but we've done plenty and plan to do much more before he heads out on Saturday. Seeing him for about a week a month is sometimes hard but I know other's have it worse and I know he worked hard to get his job so we could move to Charlotte and I could have time getting things together before heading out into the work force. He took the job so we could have the money to start up Pocket Novel Publishing and plan for our Mississippi canoe trip.

He truly does so much for me, both in real world 'value' and mentally/physically/spiritually/emotionally where it matters most. He loves and supports me in so many ways. The great part is he's also always will to be truthful. Not hurtful, but truthful...there is a BIG difference.

When we went with the Charlotte/Piedmont hiking group to tackle South Mountain State park on Saturday, I definitely could not have finished the hike without him. I was out of shape, out of breath and completely defeated. Even though he could have easily stayed with the group and socialized (which was why we went in the first place) he fell far behind to stay with me. He encouraged me, telling me to take it slow, breathe deep, and even stop to rest when I needed it. He convinced me that the challenge would be worth it and I COULD do it. I didn't have to be the first done, I just had to get to the end. Long story short, I did finish the hike and it was totally worth it.

He makes me feel like that in more than just tough hikes. My entire life I've felt like I wasn't good enough or should simply give up when something got too difficult because I wasn't 'enough' to do it. Newanderthal has shown me that I am more than enough by not giving up on me for a moment, even when I sometimes give up on myself before I start.

Having such a love in my life is more than I ever could have hoped for. I only hope that I give to him at least a tenth of the love and support he gives to me daily. Mostly because he totally deserves it. He's one of the few people I know to have a dream and then completely go out and do it. His Walkabout? Amazing. His writing? Awesome. His very spirit? Inspiring.

What more could any girl possibly want in a guy? My answer, absolutely nothing but I promise you as much as he is now, he will be even better tomorrow, the day after and the day after that. I love him so much. Even after three years, I continually find I love him more and he continues to amaze me.

Pocket Novel Publishing

2011-03-27T20:40:00.000-05:00

Sooo....Newanderthal's big idea is about to take off again and I, of course, am on the ground floor with him. Let me run it down for you.

A few years back, Newanderthal had an idea. The Dime Novel from years back was a cheaply printed individual short story sold for a dime. It was sold all over and bought by those who had only a short bit of time. For 13 months, Newanderthal ran a new short story a month, written by one of three different authors. There was no publicity and they were only sold in one, out of the way location. The result? Better than we could have hoped.

After taking time out to get settled, we're relaunching the idea, this time under the name of Pocket Novels. We will actuallly be a legitimate publishing company, specializing in printing individual short stories by new authors. Let's face it, getting published is hard. Our way is easy and gets you money for your story, helps you build a fan base and puts a publishing credit on your writing resume.

Our first set of stories will be coming out in fall of this year. We're going to have all kinds of fun apps, sites and even a nifty website. All we need? More authors!

If you or anyone you know has short stories between 5,000-7,000 words in any genre (not including fan fiction or erotica), we want them! Before any printing begins (but after we accept the story) there will be standard contracts and payment. We may be new, but we're legit. Email any questions or submission in RTF format to pocketnovels@yahoo.com We're just now launching our social networking sites, so check us out and spread the word!

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MORE TO COME!!

Changes

2011-03-13T10:09:00.000-05:00

There's something wrong with me and I cannot, for the life of me, pinpoint it. I used to be far more confident and adventurous. I knew what to do with myself and my time. I was definitely in control of my own destiny.

Here I am, starting my third week in Charlotte and I don't recognize myself. I'm irritable and highly depressed. I have all this time to explore and do my own thing but I can't bring myself to. I want a job and friends. I want societal norms.

Yeah, that last statement? NOT a me statement. Why am I feeling this way? Because I have to.

If Newanderthal and I had chucked it all away and went on permanent Walkabout or decided to build a lean-to in the woods to forage off the land, I would be all for that. I wouldn't have to 'fit' into the civilized world. That's not the case here. Here I have bills and a house and things to take care of.

You put me in to society and I have to follow some of their rules. Sitting home or going out to explore only works when you don't have need of money.

I'm not liking this new me but not sure how to get rid of her. My adventurous spirit seems to be on hold or perhaps I lost it somewhere. Maybe it's just packed in one of the many boxes still left. I wish I could find it.

End of week one

2011-03-06T13:56:00.000-06:00

As of today, I've 'lived' in Charlotte for about nine days. I know that's a bit more than a week, but close enough.

I can't say I've actually 'settled in' just yet. The house is a total wreck due to the fact I haven't been able to unpack though I still don't have a job and SHOULD have all the time in the world. Our little house is basically devoid of storage space. I'm not sure how many cabinets and various shelves I put together, but I know it's been too many. I only just got the metal bathroom shelf put together today. It's already full, making our tiny bathroom seem even smaller.

It's just been a bit challenging as of late. With two four hour days standing in a line OUTSIDE the DMV, getting a horrid sunburn and a sort of license on the 2nd day, I haven't seen much of Charlotte. I've seen more of Wal-Mart and Home Depot, places I could easily visit from our old place.

On top of that, I've been dealing with a brand new emotion...almost dibilitating loneliness. Granted, I know it'll ease once I have a job (which I currently don't and have no actual hopeful possibilities of yet) I'll feel more 'at home'. I also believe once the house is unpacked, the home feeling will sort of follow.

I have spent two outings that were not federal government related. I did a meet and greet dinner with the Charlotte-Piedmont Hikers group, which was nice and went on a 6 mile hike with the Charlotte Lady Hikers yesterday at Harbison State Forest in South Carolina. Those two outings did help and I have plans for a few more in the future.

All in all, I'm trying not to sound too depressing or state that I hate Charlotte. I don't think I hate Charlotte, I just hate most of the last week that I had. I hate feeling alone. I hate unpacking. I hate that I have two laptops, neither of which can do what I want them to. I hate that I have no one to explore with and I hate that I have no job or income. Charlotte, nor North Carolina, can be blamed for the run around and loneliness I've been feeling.

I do think I'll grow to like North Carolina. I know I'll soon find all the local places I'll love and plenty of exploration places. All too soon I'll be complaining how my job is taking all of my free time. Soon I'll be back on track as always. Right now I feel out of sorts and a bit in limbo.

Newanderthal hates that I feel this way and I'm sometimes sorry that I tell him since I think it's ruining his enjoyment of our adventure.I know things will get better and I in no way want to run home, tail between my legs. It just seems that this limbo transition was more than I bargained for. I'm surprised he doesn't get it. He told me himself he had such a hard time during his Walkabout when his cousin went home and he had to walk alone. Also again when he was in Mobile and they treated him like less than a person. He knows this feeling is deep, unexpected and temporary. I'm not admitting defeat, I'm admitting the adventure has a few rough patches I wasn't prepared for. Very soon, those patches will be behind me and my the path will open up. I just have to keep walking forward.

Less Than Perfect

2011-02-28T11:45:00.000-06:00

After an exhausting 900+ mile drive from Sulphur, Louisiana to Charlotte, NC, we arrived only to find that things had to be 'dealt' with. The electricity didn't want to come on, but thanks to a 24 hour electrical hotline, a woman helped us figure out the double breaker problem.

Once in the house, we had no fridge (even though we had an ice chest full of food) and our bathroom window was boarded over with glass ALL over the bathroom. Basically yelled my head off and found out someone had broken into the house a few days before and stole the fridge. G-R-E-A-T. I wanted to sit down and simply cry. It didn't help that I had to deal with AT&T AGAIN to figure out why our internet hated us.

Yesterday Newanderthal and I spent the day locating various things in Charlotte: grocery stores, Home Depot, hiking trails, etc. It was a sort of relaxing day though I still nearly wanted to cry every time something was a little wrong. I've been an emotional wreck lately.

Today was supposed to be hopeful. We had to wait for the men to come out and fix the window..got it done. Had to deal with some problems with the gas company and our heater, but got it done. Here it is, after 12:30 and still no fridge. Our realty company SWORE our fridge would be here between 10-12. NOT HERE and they don't know when it will arrive.

To top it off, Newanderthal isn't happy about the little things going wrong and neither am I. Due to waiting for the fridge, we're losing our last day together. He's currently out looking for a sofa and maybe a few other bits of furniture. I'm stuck here writing a blog.

My darling leaves tomorrow to catch a Greyhound bus to Louisiana so he can get back to his truck. I won't see him again until the end of March. A whole month in a new city by myself. I know I can hang out with CouchSurfers. I know I can explore on my own. I know the house will take forever to get straight, especially since we basically have no storage space here. I know I have to find a job, and ASAP.

Yes, there are times I still want to cry. Not because I don't think it will work out but because I feel so OVERWHELMED by everything that's less than perfect. I put up with so much 'less than perfect' before the move because I truly believed it would all get better once we were here. Not yet, it seems. Still so much hard work to be done.

Even little things are annoying here. Did you know the closest Capital One (my bank) to me is in Virginia?! So I need to get a new account somewhere and get my money transferred. I need a new license and to figure out how to change the info over on the truck. I need insurance, registration and all that happy stuff in NC, not LA.

What will I do? Not sure yet. I suppose what I've been doing: Freaking out and stressing myself out all the while I'm looking for a good solution. One thing at a time, they say. Still turns out to be a whole heck of a lot of stuff!

V-day updates

2011-02-14T11:36:00.000-06:00

Despite my best efforts, it seems time is marching on at a rather fast pace. Two weeks until the big move and I'm not certain if I'm ready. The house is almost packed and will be completely done before my darling Newanderthal comes home next week.

As for the new house, we have the lease all done and they're mailing the key this week. I've called and will have electricity and water on before we get there. The gas can't be turned on until we're physically at the house...which I figured. Too bad the house has gas heating. We'll have our electric heaters so we won't freeze.

I'm still a bit stressed and tired....and lonely. I really miss Newanderthal and would have loved to have him home to help with all the little things. Even today, on Valentine's (or halfway through Febtober) day, I'm wishing he were here. We agreed no gifts since our money should really be used for the move. I don't want candy or flowers anyway...I'd rather have my love.

Instead of my love, I'm going to dinner with my best friend, Gracie. She and I are going on a Valentine's dinner date before she has to go to work and I have to go pack/clean.

One big adventure is coming and my Newanderthal will be there for it. All I have to do is wait a little bit more. Can't wait to get to North Carolina, even if I don't have everything together.

Dates and so on...

2011-01-31T12:22:00.001-06:00

So my fate has been mostly decided. My last day of work is February 25th and Newanderthal wants us on the road (dark and) early the morning of the 26th. Where we'll be going I hope to have before we move. It'd really suck to move to a state and have nowhere in that state in which to live.

Everything feels so rushed! I'm still sorting and trying to pack. I'm still trying to get things together for the garage sale. I'm still trying to find a house to rent and a job to pay me to live in NC. I'm still trying to keep my sanity despite everything happening.

I know what the problem is. The move will happen and we'll get there. I'll find some sort of employment and everything will work out just fine...even if not quite how I have it pictured.

If I KNOW it'll work out, why am I still stressed? One is that I'm a worrier. Until the plan goes off, I worry about what could go wrong. I have always been like that. Seriously, ask me one day what I had already decided by age 7.

I worry because I'm always looking for that one way to fail. If I can spot it before it happens, then I won't fail and life will go on as planned. I look for the failure spot because I am not one of those who fits easily into society.

Don't get me wrong, I seem to blend in seamlessly. I have a vehicle, a job, a credit card, etc...BUT, it's sort of a mask for my real life. I worry because I'm not always sure what's correct in societal norms. I know what I want and like. For the most part, it doesn't fit into the 'plan' society has set out for us mere mortals.

Had Newanderthal told me we were going to chuck everything and move into a lean-to in the mountains to forage for our needs, I would be so much more relaxed. I can handle the unknown and unusual. What I can't handle is the unknown that the world assumes I should already know.

I don't fit in and I'm okay with that. In our current town I've managed to jam myself in...sort of like a puzzle piece that doesn't really go there, but you can just about pretend it does. With the move to NC, it's a whole new puzzle and I don't even know what the picture's supposed to look like!

2011-01-28T12:20:00.000-06:00

I am currently on the edge of the freak out. I can peer over to see it, but I won't lean forward too far unless I fall in that particular hole.

Why have I edged so much closer? Well, my current job demanded I pick a leave date...for February. My last official day here is February 25th. After that I will be unemployed, no money coming in at all.

This wouldn't be too big a deal, except for the fact that I do not have a job in North Carolina yet. My zoo job fell through. It does help me narrow down our moving area, but doesn't help the fact that I'll be moving with very little money.

February 15th I need to have so much done. I need to have the nonessentials packed, I need to have a house to move in to, I need to have everything together for a garage sale, I need to have the permit for said garage sale, I need more boxes, more money, etc. And basically I need to do it by myself.

The more I think about it, the shorter my breath comes. I'm trying to stay positive and upbeat, but that's not my nature. I'm more the kind to think about every possible horror scenario. Mostly I feel inadequate. I should have it all wrapped up by now. I should have the house, the money and the job.

*sigh* I'm trying not to tell myself it'll all come together b/c I'm working on it. I'm trying to tell myself that even if I don't have a job lined up, we can make it the first month. I'm trying to tell myself the world will not end any time soon. TRYING.

2011-01-24T13:14:00.000-06:00

I'm not freaking out yet, but I'm starting to feel the stress. February is fast approaching and I'm running out of time. Time for what? TIME TO MOVE.

I want to be in NC by the first week of March. That's not a very long time from now. Problem? I still have no job and no house to move to. Not that it matters...our house is in no state to move. No boxes, no

Now, I've moved plenty of times and even out of town. The problem is moving a house as a couple is so much different. It didn't matter when I was by myself what happened during the move. I could also move wherever I wanted...small apartment? No problem! No electricity for a few days? So?

It's so much different now. Of course, I could find a place in no time...if I had a job. And I could look for more jobs....if I knew where we were moving. I can't choose one or the other b/c I'm still waiting on word fro the NC zoo. They're calling for interviews this week but they haven't called me yet. I worry about what that means.

It's very confusing and while I'm not freaking out yet, I can feel the pressure building. Let's see if we get out of here in time, relationship and sanity intact!

Only twelve days in?

2011-01-12T11:38:00.000-06:00

I find it incredibly hard to believe that only twelve days have transpired since the beginning of the new year. Only twelve days and it seems like the entire year is going south...even though I have every intention of moving northeast from here. Less than two weeks.

I have no idea what's been going on but it hasn't been going according to plan. Not exercise, not writing, not photography, not anything at all. I'm not really down just yet, but it's getting close. Everything seemed so hectic and disorganized. I have no energy right now and even less motivation. I just keep hoping the move will change everything.

Not sure if that's a good thing or not. No matter what goes wrong now, I keep telling myself it'll all fix itself after the move. To me, that's the same incorrect thinking as those in bad relationships thinking getting married will solve all their problems.

I KNOW the move won't solve everything, but it'll be NEW. That's what I keep hoping for, something new. New job, new places to see, new motivation, new everything.

Let's hope my new year becomes new and exciting, unlike the last twelve days.

2011...new year, new adventures?

2011-01-04T11:23:00.000-06:00

So 2011 is here after my waiting twenty-eight years for it....a lifetime! So why is this year so special? Technically it's not. Technically this year is the same as every other year I've had thus far. What makes 2011 different from 2010 or 2012 is that 2011 is here now.

There are plenty of plans for this year. There's the move to North Carolina, complete with a new place to live, new job, new friends, new places to explore, etc.

There's also a trip to Peru planned...sort of planned. Newanderthal has declared 2011 the year we take the Inca Trail up to Machu Picchu. Going there is a dream of mine and apparently it's coming true this year. Exciting, yes.

Before all of that are the new things here. We have a new Executive Director at the office. I'm not sure what changes she will have in store of me and my program. The program itself has no surprises. For the next three months my work will be fairly easy unless our new ED has really big ideas.

I guess this year is one of changes. I'm not certain if all of the changes are good ones, but I am looking forward to them. I'm especially excited about the move and truly hope I can find a good new job. I am also looking forward to a new year of writing and running. I still haven't hit three miles on the treadmill yet, but I still have time.

I truly hope every one of you has a wonderful year full of wonderful surprises.

Hunting

2010-12-16T14:07:00.000-06:00

As you may or may not know, Newanderthal and I will be uprooting and heading to North Carolina early in 2011. He has a job, a nice job that pays decently and can move with him. I do think that's wonderful.

For me though? I must go out and job hunt. Look for some sort of meaningful, decently paid job that will hire me without seeing me first. I need the job BEFORE I move, not after.

I've already told a friend how I dislike the idea of job hunting. Truthfully, with the exception of the SPCA, jobs just sort of fell into my lap. Someone knew someone who told needed to hire someone. I put out word that I was looking for gainful employment and it sort of magically appeared.

With the LA-SPCA, I applied for that during my last semester of college. It's what I wanted to do and had no worries that they would hire me. Of course they would. I wanted the job, was more than qualified for it, so why wouldn't they snap me right up? I applied for NO OTHER job than the SPCA. That's how confident I was they would take me.

This is the first time I've had to apply when I'm not sure whether or not they'll accept me. It's a bit like asking someone out on a date. It's scary and even though you know you like that person and truly believe you'd be great together, you still have to get that other person to say 'yes' to you.

With the job I just applied for, I'm very nervous. I live in another state right now with no real clue as to where I'd move. The honest answer is I'll move wherever I can get a job and I want THAT job.

This is the first NC job I've applied for. I know I have many of the qualifications they are looking for, though it is quite a bit different from anything I've done to date. In other words, this is my SPCA job, but this time I don't have the ultimate confidence they will hire me.

If they don't, I can look around more. The problem is I WANT this job, I don't want to look for something else or better. I want it and I fully believe they should hire me for it....only I need them to wait to hire me until I move. Not sure if that's possible.

I guess this is my first real job where I'll win or lose on my own merit. It's nerve wracking b/c no one wants to be rejected, not even for a job. I want it so I can start planning where I'll live (and also b/c if I get turned down, it'll break my streak of first application hiring). Yes, house hunting will be a totally different story. How does one find a place to stay when one lives very far away from the homes?

This too shall pass

2010-12-14T08:55:00.000-06:00

I'm trying out new ways of looking at things. With the stress and constant irritation I seem to face, I've decided to look into 'This too shall pass.' Actually it's a fairly clever concept.

That guy that cut me off this morning? Well, that has absolutely no bearing on my day b/c as soon as I got out of traffic, that moment had passed and would not in any way affect what's going to go on. The teacher who turned in paperwork five months late? Well, it's a little extra work, but in a month it won't have made one bit of difference in my life. I probably won't even remember it happened. I'm broke right now? I get paid on the 1st and 15th of every month. I can't stay completely broke if I have money coming in.

If all the minor things I get upset about aren't really important, why am I getting upset? This too shall pass. I tell myself that every time I'm thinking of becoming upset. It usually works b/c I get to see the situation for what it is...a minor irritation that, in most cases, won't even affect me an hour from now.

This also works for good type things too. All good moments, enjoyable ones, even slightly risky but fun moments will pass. Are you going to grab them or let them pass? Which option will bother you the least?

There's another concept I've been toying with that may sound morbid, but I promise it's not as bad as it seems. It's "we're all going to die". This works in one of two ways. Someone annoys the heck out of you (or worse). What do you do? Instead of getting mad, remind yourself that they're going to die. Either you'll become a bit nostalgic and sad and realize that whatever they did is forgivable....OR you'll get some small bit of pleasure out of the idea that one day the world will not have to deal with said person. Either way you're not as angry as you were.

I'm finding that less and less matters as I go through life. What will really make a major impact on my life one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year from now? In nearly every case, whatever is irritating me won't make it past the day mark and that means I need to get through it without wasting my precious energy on being mad about something I can't change.

In the end, we don't know how long we have here. Why make it less enjoyable?

Time to say goodbye

2010-12-02T15:10:00.002-06:00

Dear friends and family,

With all of the thinking I've been doing lately, I decided a bit of action may need to take place. After all, you can only think for so long before you have to DO. You want chocolate chip cookies? You can think about them all you want but if you really want them, you'll have to do something to get them.

I don't want a chocolate chip cookie, though I wouldn't turn one down (especially if it was a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie). Really that's besides the point. I've been turning over a lot of thoughts and ideas in my head and now it's time to DO.

Destitutus ventis, remos adhibe, as those pesky Romans would say. So I did something. It's a little step, but I did it. I wrote a letter to myself. Essentially it's a goodbye letter b/c I intend to die today.

Don't get worked up, it's not a physical death. My body will still be alive and kicking for years to come. Granted I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but it won't bring the end by my own hand. I may be a bit depressed, but I'm not suicidal.

No, this is a more...symbolic death, I guess you could say. I wrote a letter to the person I plan to be. I'm letting her know that today I'm stepping aside for her to take over. There's so much she does that I don't. She's stronger and more self confident than I ever could be. She's not perfect, but she's so much better than I ever could be.

And why not let her take over? She's what I've been trying to become for nearly 28 years. I'm more or less wasted part of her life and now it's time to give up the ghost and let her take over. I love her in a way I have never once loved myself. In order for her to live, I have to die. I have to let go of everything that defines me and not her. We may share some similarities, but where it counts we are worlds apart.

She's better at everything. She tries and isn't afraid to fail. She stands up for herself and her own needs. She says no when she wants to. She takes time for herself. She is a more committed writer. She can run 5 miles (10 on free weekends). She randomly goes out to take pictures. She enjoys life. She loves Newanderthal in ways I can't even fathom. She talks a bit slower, listens better. She keeps up with housework better than I do. She doesn't grumble when she has to take the dog for a walk. She sees everything as an adventure and has 'Oooh' moments all the time. She smiles more. She does social activities far more often. She takes more time to read. She cooks more. She learns something new all the time. She isn't afraid to be hugged and you can touch her without seeing her flinch. She doesn't tend to go off the deep end whenever faced with a future difficulty. She is love, life and hope all rolled into one. She's not perfect and doesn't apologize for it. She just IS. She's everything I ever wanted to be and more.

It's her turn and I'm not even going to make her wait for the new year. 2011 will definitely belong to her, but she can have the rest of 2010. I bet she even loves the holidays AND celebrates her birthday! She's so amazing and I'm not the least bit sad I have to die to let her live. I have too many demons and too much darkness holding me back. I can't go forward from where I am now. She can.

Some people waste their entire lives and never reach the point where they realize that a major change is needed. They get to old age and wonder why life wasn't more fun. They're disappointed when they look back. I won't be because I won't be here to do that. She's not going to have anything to regret b/c the past is my own. All the mistakes and failures up to this point are mine and they die with me. She gets a fresh start and she won't regret anything...not even things some might classify as failures. To her it's all part of life and learning.

To those who know and love me, don't worry. There won't be any pain. In fact, if I hadn't told you, you might not have realized the difference. Oh, you would have noticed the happiness, the determination and the LIFE that will seem to shine from somewhere within, but you wouldn't have known it wasn't me. I think you're going to like her better anyway. I know she's going to love all of you. Be nice to her. She's going to be strange, but all the good ones are.

So....I guess this is goodbye. Once I've posted this blog, it's over for me. Don't cry, but you can send flowers. She'll love them.

- (the old) Tasha

Trying to find....peace of mind

2010-12-01T21:48:00.001-06:00

Right now I'm sitting on the couch at home with a rat in my shirt that keeps trying to nibble on my not-so-cheap Victoria Secret bra and a dog in the corner pouting b/c he can't be in my lap while I'm holding said rat (I don't trust the dog not to eat the rat).

Mostly what I'm doing is thinking. This time of year I'm really really bad about thinking. Brown studies tend to be my stock in trade when the days get colder and shorter. I have depression, this I know, but I believe it has to do with the side of my brain I use more than a chemical imbalance. A somewhat bad childhood didn't help either.

In any case, while others are sitting around the Christmas tree, chatting over cocoa, I'm usually sitting at home thinking. Yes, I have been told I over think things. This is not a surprise.

Holidays were never truly joyous for me. I grew up poor like the majority of Americans. Not destitute, but I did often worry which utility would get turned off or if I'd have to call up my aunt to beg for grocery money (which she often had to scrounge from God knows where). I also grew up with a mother who complained about the cost of gifts and who I knew would be spending the holidays at work for that sacred 'time and a half'. I always found that phrase ironic b/c while you might get paid more, you definitely lost out on some time you could never get back.

There's another reason I tend to dread this time of year. My birthday falls somewhere between Christmas and the New Year. Most people use birthdays or New Year's to reflect on what they've done during the past year and what they hope to do in the coming year. I don't think it's good to have your year basically end twice at the same time.

I rarely see anything good I've accomplished. I see a lot of failures and even more missed opportunities. Why, oh, why didn't I __________?!?! This year I have quite a few failures I'll have to look at closely only to acknowledge that I only failed because of myself. Being able to blame someone or something else is always a much easier thought but I don't have that luxury. In 9 out of 10 cases, our failures are our own faults. Yes, there are a rare few times when circumstances or other people got in our way, but those are MUCH rarer than anyone would admit.

I'm trying not to be miserable. I even had to send an email to my darling Newanderthal explaining my recent self pity was just that...self pity. I will eventually get over it and I wanted him to know that my current mood has nothing to do with him.

Speaking of my darling, he is the biggest reason I'm trying not to fall into the infamous Holiday Blackness. He is such a wonderful man and I will one day soon write a blog telling you specifically why he's so wonderful. I'm actually looking forward to Christmas and my birthday because he'll be home with me. As a newly minted long haul tanker driver, he isn't home as much as I would like, but he's making money and getting to travel.

I'm trying not to think about what I didn't accomplish this year. I'm trying not to think about my failures and instead think about my successes....unfortunately, I can't THINK of anything I feel is a definite success.

Maybe looking forward will help? I have so much to look forward too in 2011. Newanderthal and I will be moving to North Carolina! A new home with new adventures! The move, of course, is only the beginning of our Big Plans. The future looks very bright indeed if I don't glance around the edges to the worries and nagging voices that mention other things I won't accomplish...like losing that 40+ lbs again or being able to run a 5k...both I wanted to accomplish this year.

I like the future despite dragging along a carry-on of failure. I'm with the man of my dreams and we're going to start a brand new life in a brand new place. Yes, disappointments and failures are a part of life, I learned that early on, but I know there is so much to look forward to. So what if I have to drag the 'fat me' to NC? Maybe I can lose her somewhere in their wonderful nature. Who cares if my writing isn't where I wanted it to be? I'll still be working on the Pocket Novel project with Newanderthal. Who cares if I won't have the amount of money saved that I wanted to? We will still make our plans happen even if I have to eat a bit of Ramen and PB sandwiches. Who cares that I don't yet know what I want to be when I 'grow up'? I'm kind of liking the idea that I can change at will.

I can't control everything and I HATE that with a passion. I will have to admit that my year didn't turn out as I hoped it would, but I can't say it was a complete loss. I still have the love of my life, I'm healthy (if somewhat fat), I have money to pay for my needs if not always my wants, I have some amazing friends, I have a dream, I have a future full of good things, and I have a rat in my shirt still trying to eat the bow off my bra while the dog is pressing his luck by now being on the couch pretending he doesn't notice said rat. All in all I think I have a pretty good life.

Thanksgiving and winners

2010-11-25T10:54:00.000-06:00

Today Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. There's a whole beautiful mythos surrounding the holiday, with plucky English settlers just trying to make it through a harsh winter in a land where they would be guaranteed their freedom and a band of Native Americans who taught those English settlers just how to survive in their new homeland.

Like most things in life, you learn a different story when you're old enough to understand how dark and depressing the world can really be. You learn about the horrifying bloodshed that went with our "Thanksgiving feast" and the horrors one man can inflict upon another.

Is it any wonder that I'm not always in the holiday spirit? Though I will admit, out of all the holidays this time of year, Thanksgiving comes the closest to being beautiful, which is strange when you consider it's true origin. Still, it's a bit hard to commercialize a holiday that just involves food and fellowship (and football, I've been told).

For me it's not that big a deal. I don't have faraway relatives coming in to celebrate the day in the family tradition. Basically, none of my family is getting together for holiday festivities. To be perfectly honest, outside of my mom whom I'm supposed to visit at her job around six pm, I haven't the foggiest idea where my family will be today.

My alternative plan was to spend Thanksgiving with Newanderthal's family. He's out on the road being a long haul trucker, so he's not in town. What's my issue with going there for family and feast? Well, frankly, they're not my family. I get along great with them, but they're not my family. I'm essentially an outsider and my darling doesn't seem to understand this at all. Also, everyone there I have met time and time again. We eat at his mom's most nights he's home. Soo....why the big fuss over Thanksgiving?

I'm not saying everyone stay home and avoid family. Not at all! I'm merely stating that since I'm off work, I don't see why I should be pressured into visiting people. Yes, it's a holiday, but I saw the majority of them within two days of this feast day! I honestly want to spend today on the couch, napping and watching movies while sipping flavored coffee. I would be entirely thankful for that!

In other news, I have finished NaNoWriMo and have been validated. One of the few times in life I can expect validation from anyone or anything. For some reason, I don't feel like I've earned the winner goodies. Yes, I did write at least 50k of my own original fiction. There was no cheating, simply writing. However, I didn't struggle the whole month long. I feel it was too easy this year.

Strange, isn't it? I try so hard to accomplish goals that I seem to fail miserably at but the one thing I have an easy time with (this year at least) and I'm saying I didn't struggle enough! Yes, I am mentally screwed up, but so are most people.

I do hope everyone enjoys their holiday and does whatever would make them most happy. I, unfortunately, will not get the lazy day I hoped for. In fact, I'm probably going to be late since I haven't even showered yet, much less pulled my clothes for this festive eating holiday. Off to do that, I suppose.

Rant, rant, rant

2010-11-11T18:55:00.001-06:00

I am in such a foul/depressed mood tonight and I wanted to rant my head off because it seems this blog is the only place I can rant. Everyone in my life is far too busy with their own dramas to deal with mine.

Rant #1: OMG, my weight has risen exponentially since November started. What did I change? I quit running. I had to! With NaNoWriMo it's either write or run. I have yet to figure out how to manage both in my schedule. I have to sleep eventually, right?

I plan to get on my treadmill after I finish this post b/c when I stepped on the scale, I literally cried. I couldn't handle the number I saw and that number has defined me until I can get it back down. I know it shouldn't be the factor that decides how I feel about myself. It's just a number, right?

Wrong. My entire life I've been the fat one. Even in a family of mostly overweight people, I was the fattest out of all my cousins. I was the fat friend, the fat everything. So I decided to change that. It took me years to get it right, but at this time last year I was staring at a scale that was 99lbs less than I had been at my highest weight. One measly pound from my ultimate goal. ONE POUND.

Due to the Depo Provera shot, I have gained nearly 50 of those pounds back in one year. I'm very quickly becoming the person I hated so much. I'm becoming that 'fat one' again and I simply cannot handle that. With all that I see wrong with me, I don't want to add 'fat' and 'failure' to that list. I simply don't know what to do anymore. The scale goes up and nothing I seem to do is working. Yes, I'm off the shot, but it's not that easy. The weight isn't magically disappearing.

Rant #2: National Novel Writing Month is something I DID NOT want to do this year. I'm not in a good writing place mentally and I didn't want to work on that. I was quite content in my non-writing life b/c I had to make that decision to write or keep my sanity months ago. I decided to drop writing. Now that I'm being forced to pick it back up, all the old problems are returning.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A WRITER RIGHT NOW. That should be a simple statement of fact. I don't want to sit and write but I have to. If I don't, I get lectures. I get told how I need to write and why I should and even what I should be writing.

I was so proud of myself for getting ahead of my word count with 32k right now. Instead of others being happy, I get lectured on how I'm writing the wrong thing. Doesn't seem to matter this is the most I've written in half a year. Doesn't seem to matter I was ecstatically happy I got words to flow again. Nope, the only thing I hear is what I'm doing wrong. This does not help me want to write more. It makes me believe I was right to give up writing in the first place.

Rant #3: Rocco is a brat. He's more work than I want to deal with right now. Everyday I come home and there's something to pick up: his toys, some scrap of paper he's chewed, etc. No matter how tired I am, I have to walk him or he'll bark and never shut up. I can't go to bed too early b/c if I put him in his crate too early, he whines and whimpers. I can't even go out after work without first rushing all the way to Sulphur to put Rocco out b/c no one will do it for me.

He's not my kid, he's a dog...not even my dog, to be honest. Frankly, I'm a little sick of the fact that I have to rearrange my schedule around a dog. It doesn't seem right. It also doesn't seem right that I'm always doing something for someone else.

What am I saying? Basically that I feel overused and underappreciated. I know Rocco's a dog and can't exactly 'appreciate' everything I'm forced to do for him. It just seems in all areas of my life, especially work, I'm walked on and not a word is said to me unless I fail to meet some impossibly high standard. Everyone seems to be picking fights with me and questioning my motives on everything I say and do. I just want someone to recognize all I do and to give me some sort of validation. I also want someone I can dump off my work on for just a day. I want one day where I don't have to do a single thing for anyone other than myself. Not going to happen, I know.

I have other things I would like to rant about, but I'm stopping there before I start getting into specifics and naming names. I don't want to start fights, I just wanted to rant. I don't expect anyone to fix any of my problems b/c they are MY problems. All I wanted was a few moments to openly say what's bothering me without anyone interrupting to tell me how what I'm saying is wrong.

I'm so tired of being told everything I do, say, think is wrong. I'm tired of being told what I should be doing, saying, thinking. This is how I feel and who cares if it's rational or not? I have said my piece for now.

National Novel Writing Month and other adventures

2010-11-03T16:52:00.000-05:00

So it's day 3 of NaNoWriMo. I told you in my previous post that I didn't care about the challenge and didn't really want to do it.

Of course, for the last two days I've been trying to write. I've made it to a little over 11,000 words in two short stories. The novel I was supposed to write wants to be difficult. Instead of forcing it, I gave it up. Instead I've been working on short story ideas I had tucked away that really didn't have much to them. They've gone off on their own weird paths and I have let them. Why not? It's gotten me words.

There are other 'fun' things going on. Other than my constant and seemingly useless struggle against weight, I have a new issue. There are rats in the ceiling that are trying to drive me insane. They disrupt my writing and peace of mind. They also disrupt my sleep. Squealing rats don't make for a great wake-up call at 3 am. YOU try going back to sleep after that kerfluffle when your bed is on the floor. Doesn't work.

My darling Newanderthal is off on his first solo adventure as a long haul trucker. Yep, got the house all to myself and the rats (and the dog, two snakes and pet rat). Really have no motivation to do much of anything lately.

All in all, I've simply been questioning life and my place in it but not really caring enough to get worked up on issues I don't like. I'm sure it's the weather, location and end of the year blues that I normally get. Come January I should raring to go.

Right now? I'm simply going day by day and handling things as they come.

Adventures in...Writing?

2010-10-25T15:57:00.000-05:00

Today a friend I hadn't heard from in quite a few months, asked me: "So, how's the writing going? Feel better about it?" To which I replied that I wasn't writing. In fact, I had forgotten how much I lamented to him about my seeming inability to write a single word outside of a blog or work related article.

With all that's going on in my life and mind, writing is an adventure I've let fall to the wayside. Not out of desire, but out of necessity. I was driving myself insane every time I failed to write. I simply let something I love drop. It was heartbreaking and hard, but I did it.

And now a new adventure is coming up, NaNoWriMo. That crazy month long challenge where you attempt to write a 50,000 word novel.

I should be worried and panicked as I have told the LC region I am. I should be flailing around and screaming about my inability to write and can in no way participate in the challenge. However, I'm quite calm thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that the first rays of sunlight on November 1st will touch my head and grant me back my ability to create really bad works of fiction that may or may not have a redeemable quality. So why aren't I panicking?

It's actually a very scary reason: I DON'T CARE. I don't care if I can't write for NaNo and I don't care if I can. I probably won't hit 50k or even 10k and I've made my peace with that. Unfortunately, there are those in my life who are definitely NOT okay with my blasé attitude towards this momentous writerly holiday. They are NOT okay with my attitude of surrender towards my writing in general.

In order to maintain peace, I've simply quit talking about it. I nod and smile whenever NaNo is mentioned. I agree that I should read over my NaNo notes and get a game plan. I say that I will participate in NaNo and I fully intend to. I just don't care one way or the other if a single word gets written during NaNo or for the rest of my life. Granted this will cause one heck of a row when they catch on that my lagging word count is due to my not caring, but I'll deal with that if and when it comes up. Right now...you guessed it, I don't care.

That sounds horrible, I know. I should care and I would like to, but I simply don't. November 2010 may be the last time I participate in any writing challenge. There is a small part of me that would like for NaNo to recharge my writerly batteries and put me back on track. I still have the ideas and the little voices teasing me with lines, plots, dialogue and general 'what ifs'. I still sometimes can't sleep at night until I jot down some of the thoughts, but that's as far as my drive takes me...folders and notebooks of notes that I don't care if I ever turn into a finished product.

I have decided there are too many things in life to fret about and one has only so much attention, time, and energy. Lately mine has been sucked out of me forcibly by others so I have very little left for myself anymore. I am always on someone's schedule. When I do have a little time to myself, I don't want to spend it on a computer, I want to be out in the sunshine I so rarely get to see. I'd rather walk the dog than write a short story. I'd honestly rather run on my treadmill until I'm exhausted than start in on a new idea and I really don't like the treadmill.

Writing takes time and energy (possibly a bit of the writer's soul). Half-committing to my writing is the best way I know to break my tiny grasp on sanity. If I can't have the time to myself, if I can't be master of my own schedule, if I'm always the person who HAS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM NOW, I must make a sacrifice. Saying 'no' to this insane schedule is not an option right now. When it is, when I finally have more than a second to breathe, maybe I'll try my love affair with writing. For now, the best I can do is keep jotting in those notebooks.

Updates?

2010-10-10T22:29:00.001-05:00

I know I haven't been updating lately, though I could have written about any number of things. I have a ton of pictures and stories to tell, but I've been slacking. With Newanderthal's new career choice of trucking, I've had much more time to myself.

I promise to post something interesting soon...possibly as soon as the stitches in my finger come out. It's a bit aggravating when I have to backspace all the time b/c my left middle finger is out of commission. Four more days and the stitches should be gone,

Running

2010-05-12T22:04:00.001-05:00

I haven't exactly gotten into my running niche yet. Apparently I need lots of practice and I'm not dedicated enough yet. Still, my blog today isn't about my running with sneakers on...it's about running a household and your life.

No matter what you thought as a child, there are some definite pitfalls to being an adult. I don't say I want to back...you couldn't pay me enough to relive my childhood, even if you did let me change things. I just never realized how much an adult has to do to get things done.

There's work, of course, Hopefully you have a job you love and makes it easy for you to get up in the morning. There's usually traffic unless you're lucky enough to work from home. You have bosses, deadlines, surprise assignments that must be done RIGHT NOW. I also have clients and coworkers I sometimes have to find extra patience for. Of course, there's also the commute back home.

I guess kids could argue it's like school, but it's not. I would LOVE to be in classes, learning new things, even taking a recess than working. You can get bad grades at school for not turning in an assignment. you can get fired from work for the exact same offense. Loss of money is nothing to joke about.

One would think after a hard day's work, said adult could come home and rest. Not so, my friend, not so. There's dinner to consider and the cooking of it. There may be a possible run to the grocery store. Even if there's not, you have to cook. No one else will cook your food for you. No mom or dad to fix your meal while you do homework (and let's not start about days when you actually do have to take work home!!)

After dinner comes the dishes. When you were a child, you may have had this chore. You could get grounded or fussed at for not doing your chores. When you 'run' your own home, no one fusses. You can leave the dishes in the sink, you can leave the laundry piled up, you don't have to take the trash out if you don't want to. Rooms can go unswept, unvacuumed, unmopped.

One problem with that....all of those things will stay undone until you do them. No parents to get mad and do it for you. No siblings to share the chores with. Even if you're lucky enough to have a partner to share chores with, you still have to do your own share. They will not do yours just because you're lazy.

Work is done, dinner is cooked, house is cleaned, but it's not over. In my case, I HAVE to walk the dog daily. If I don't, he gets hyper and can't be calmed down. I also have to squeeze in time for exercise and perhaps my writing.

To top it all off, there are always bills and money worries. As a kid, if you blew all your money on junk, nothing bad would happen except you had no money until you could earn more. All of your needs were taken care of. As an adult? Not so. Meager paychecks have to be budgeted for all of the bills..which never seem to end. Getting enough to see a movie or eat out now and then is a treat. You always have to put real needs over desires. Growing up poor, I knew this early on, but it didn't stop me from believing that when I was an adult, I'd have plenty of money.

When you finally fall into bed, it's not something to whine about. There's no 'just one hour more' thought (until the alarm goes off). For most adults, going to bed early is a treat. That is, if you can sleep. For many nights, you're plagued by thoughts of things you forgot to do, couldn't do, did and will have to do soon. Lists flow through your head, keeping you from rest. Doesn't matter though, because when you get up, the world is waiting for you to start over again.

This being said, I hope all of you find contentment in your own 'adult' life. Remember a few things...those dishes will still be waiting, so why not take a hot bath, read a good book, reconnect with a friend or go for a walk? No job is worth your spirit. As an adult, you have the full right to decide what to do in your life. If you hate what you're doing on a daily basis. Change it. Take time to just get away from it all and play. Be an adult, but always keep those 'childlike' qualities that made life such a wondrous place and the future full of possibility.

Different Views

2010-05-04T10:09:00.006-05:00

If you've read my blogs lately, you've listened to me flip between feeling sorry for myself and mini moments of clarity. I've noticed that my self pity moments are brought on by the dumbest things. Work didn't go quite right, the house is dirty, I gained another pound, I'm tired, I'm restless, I don't want to do what I have to, I can't do what I want. I've felt as if my sanity is hanging by a very thin thread.

What it boils down to is this--I've been so sure that my own petty problems are the biggest and worst thing ever, that I'm not hearing my friends. I'll listen just long enough so I can jump in with my own issues. I used to be a good listener, not so much anymore. I've been failing to see that problems are not unique. I think I'm the only one out there who isn't happy all the time, but I'm one of many.

Also, I've lost my view of the world. Yes, so many things suck...so many, many things do, but I used to be able to see a tiny glimmer of happiness. Lately I haven't been looking past my own nose.

Why do I let the scale, my bank account, my running time, the amount of words I wrote...numbers that will mean nothing tomorrow, dictate how I feel for the next week or month? Yes, it is important that I accomplish my goals, but I've been piling pressure on myself so much that I've literally made it impossible for me to accomplish anything.

I need to step back and breathe. I need to hear people and see what's going on in the world. I need to find that person who used to know what mattered in life. I simply need to find the beauty in the world and perhaps focus on that instead.

Adventuring

2010-05-03T13:00:00.022-05:00

Jason, my darling Newanderthal, and I are definitely adventurers. We currently have off schedules with me working days and him on a night shift. Even so, we manage to find time to get out and explore. One thing we're good at is finding adventures where most people couldn't. With the Nikon SLR, we're now able to truly document our adventures.

The picture above was taken at a parking lot selling portable buildings. There was a small glass covered building on the lot. It was abandoned with many broken pieces. Jason managed to find ways to take interesting pictures. Who would of thought an adventure could be found so near a Wal-Mart?

We also manage to find adventure in areas people may think warrant the word. Jason and I went last weekend (before the incident with the cement truc k) we went to Lake Bienvenue, which happens to be the Louisiana welcome center. Canoeing is always fun...especially when you meet up with a creature who has ancestors who've made it through this tumultuous planet without needing to evolve even a single gene.

Now truckless and a Ford Focus cannot carry a canoe, we had to improvise our adventuring this past weekend. If you're willing to look, you truly can find adventure anywhere. DeRidder happens to have an old jail built in 1914. It's currently abandoned and boarded up...BUT you can find ways in if you look. Jason and I did look and found a nice little window that will allow you access. Just keep in mind, sometimes getting out is much harder than getting in.

The point, that I believe I've said a few times in this short blog is this....always be looking for an adventure. You don't need special gear nor do you need to travel far and wide. Look around, there's another adventure waiting around the corner. There's always another way to look at the people, places and situations we run into every day. If you're not constantly trying to find new experiences, you're worse off than if you really were trapped in a cell. How sad it is when our only limitations are those we place on ourselves!

Finding a new way

2010-04-29T22:15:00.008-05:00

My recent attempts (and subsequent failures) in so many of the things I'm trying to accomplish have left me a bit disappointed and childish. Basically I've been crossing my arms over my chest and saying things like "I didn't wanna do that anyway" and "Who cares? It was stupid anyway."

Not very adult, but those are things I had to get out so I could be a bit more adult. Due to a WONDERFUL accident with a cement truck (the idiot backed into me on a busy road at a very busy time of morning), I find myself exhausted this week when I accomplished little more than talking with various people to see if and when my truck could be fixed. I will not talk about the myriad groups of people we had to talk to or the fact that Jason had to politely? insist that the company get it's act together and get our vehicle in the shop. I also will not speak about the fact that our weekends are shot since you cannot put a canoe anywhere near a rented Ford Focus.

Still, there are some things I need to accomplish, not matter what the vehicle situation. Namely getting back into my exercise groove and writing and trying to save money. I was soproud of myself for getting out there and running and doing my weights. The last few days (well, since my doc told me just how much weight I've gained on the meds since February and I nearly burst into tears), I've felt zero motivation to do any freakin' thing.

Also, with WriDaNoJu soooooooo very close and me desperately out of practice, I'm not sure how I can turn out 20 words a day, much less 2k.

For those of you who don't know, WriDaNoJu (Write a Damn Novel in June) is like the more popular NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) that takes place in November. You have one month to bash out 50,000 words. It's not easy and takes dedication, caffeine and a somewhat idea. Caffeine I can get. The rest? I have a month to find some of it.

The money situation doesn't seem to have a clear end just yet. We're sort of in a stasis point where all the money is being funneled directly to bills. I can see a few places here and there where I've gotten my 'wants' and 'needs' confused. Still, saving at this point doesn't seem like an option. Once Jason's job situation improves, I think it'll get better. As it stands now...well, it's sort of paycheck to paycheck for us.

I'm just not sure about the exercise. I really wish I had an exercise buddy to help me out. I'd love for someone else to be in this with me. I could offer encouragement, get some back and ultimately have someone to talk to and compete with (I do so love a bit of competition).

It seems I'll have to be the adult and find my own way through this. Now that I know what the meds will do to me, I simply can't afford these lazy weeks when it comes to exercise. As for the writing...well, that will come to. I just need to apply my butt to the chair and my fingers to the keyboard (not forgetting to get that butt up now and then to exercise!)

Stuff to do

2010-04-23T10:07:00.006-05:00

I'm not lacking for things to do, only things to do that I consider fun. With Jason's night job and my day one, with only one vehicle, I'm usually stuck at home feeling sorry for myself and getting nothing done. Still, I manage to get some fun in there.

Recently, my friend Gracie and I went to the Children's Miracle Network annual Duck Race. She had ducks racing and I went to support her ducks, hang out with her and run down camera batteries. We may or may not have added our own ducks to the race.

There have been other things to do as well. Even with the crazy work schedules, Jason and I try to get out in the canoe. I'm getting a little braver with taking pics there too. Granted, I'm still learning the camera and refusing to take the easy auto focus way out. Still, even with camera mishaps, I love when we can just get out and be together. We're both adventurers at heart, so getting out together is a bonding experience for us.

Of course, most the canoeing is not just recreational. We're also slowly building up for our Mississippi trip. We're not sure when that'll happen. Not until some time after our move, but it never hurts to just get out there and prepare!

Other than those things, I'm trying to keep myself motivated and on schedule. It's still not easy, but I'm finding ways to get most things done. The only thing I'm not doing regularly is writing. That's another demon I'll have to wrestle with...and soon! WriDaNoJu is coming faster than I want!

Some poetry

2010-04-12T14:29:00.002-05:00

I don't have much to say...just plugging along with things and hoping I'm going in the right direction or at least one that will be worth the trip.

Anyway, here's the first draft of a poem I wrote a few days ago. I'm slowly trying to turn over my writing engine. I think it got clogged from lack of use.

Pretty, Pretty

Magazine models in latest fashions
Actresses flashed on screen
In a world obsessed by appearance
They say I'm not fit to be seen
Pretty, pretty
Not me

Girl crossing the road
In that dress I'll never wear
Did you work for that figure
That skin, that hair?
Pretty, pretty
Not me

Everywhere around me
Are standards I don't quite meet
Pointed out with taunting voices
With examples hard to beat
Pretty, pretty
Not me

But is beautiful perfection needed
To make my life worthwhile?
Can I be as I am
Without constantly being on trial?
Pretty, pretty
Not me

I have someone who loves me
Someone whom I adore
I have a life worth living
Friends who don't keep score.
Pretty, pretty
Not me

So what if I don't meet their ideal
So what if I'm not a size two
Is that all there is to a woman?
Who says what I can do?
Pretty, pretty
Not me

I say I can be just as beautiful
As that airbrushed girl I see
Even with my natural 'flaws'
There is so much more to me
Pretty, pretty
Not me ?

I'm lucky enough to have
Friends and a love of my own
Beautiful enough to face myself
To celebrate the life I've sown
Pretty, pretty
Not me?

They told me once that beauty
Is not just what's without
That there must be something inside
To backup a sultry pout
Pretty, pretty
Not me?

Though I may never have
A figure made for praise
My skin may never be clear
My hair will have those days
Pretty, pretty
Not me?

Still I know I have enough
To swagger about with pride
For I'm beautiful if I believe it
I have no reason to hide
Pretty, pretty
Not me?

No one can ever define me
My worth I decide on my own
Only I can decide my fate
Only I can set the tone
Pretty, pretty
Not me?

I'm as beautiful as I choose
And I choose to just be me
If I celebrate my worth and talents
My beauty is plain to see
Pretty, pretty
Not me?

So world, here's my declaration
You lose your right to define
Me and all I'm worth
That privilege is only mine.
Pretty, pretty
That's me.

Telling Stories

2010-04-09T09:26:00.002-05:00

I haven't had the motivation I need to do the things I need. This has created a cycle in which I'm doing nothing and being depressed about it. I've had some bad weeks lately, but now I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

How will I get the motivation I can't seem to hang on to? Easy, I'm going to start telling myself stories. I have a very rich imagination and can sometimes make myself believe things that aren't exactly true. Probably the sign of a sociopathic personality, but it's helped me get through some bad times.

What stories am I telling myself? Well, I'm setting dates for certain goals: weight loss, running 5k, finishing writing projects, saving money, etc. Setting dates is a good thing, but how will I STICK to those dates? That's where the stories come in. The running thing? I'm telling myself I have a 5k run next month. The weight loss? Telling myself I have a very fancy event coming up and I can get a new outfit for free if only I could fit into it. Writing goals? Telling myself that there is a company who wants to look over my work and I have to have a finished draft by a certain date. Saving money? I have a BIG IMPORTANT BILL due soon and have to save the money for it or bad things happen. Taking pictures? I have to turn in a certain amount of my best work for a class I'm taking and there's a due date.

Of course, these are ALL made up stories, but I think it'll help. The only problem I forsee is forgetting I'm making up stories and might tell someone else fully believing I'm telling the truth.

I'm not always self driven. I like to have consequences and deadlines. I need there to be someone else who expects me to get something done by a certain time or else. The exercising used to be easy when I had others exercising with me. Now I'm on my own and I'm good at finding excuses. I always write more during NaNo and WriDaNoJu because I have to post my wordcount.

I believe my stories will help. I have to...I'm running out of options.

Always be Moving Forward

2010-04-05T08:21:00.002-05:00

I'm roughly two or three weeks into my new campaign "Always Be Moving Forward". It's more of an idea on how I'd like to live my life. I feel if I'm moving forward on something, then I'm getting closer to a goal.

My biggest obstacle is myself. I seriously lack motivation these last few months but am trying to find it. Slowly, OH SO SLOWLY, I'm inching a tiny bit closer towards what I want to do and who I'd like to be. It's not easy and I believe I've slid back a few more times than I'd like, but I'll be getting there.

Now to try and see how far I can get this week!

Back to Blogging...sort of

2010-03-31T10:23:00.001-05:00

So, a lot has happened lately, nothing I'd really like to blog about here. The big thing is Jason is trying to set up our blogs for traveling. Since I use this one for all kinds of things, I need to set up a new one specifically for adventuring.

The hardest part? Coming up with a good blog name that's not taken! That will be my goal for the week!

Writing things

2010-02-24T10:16:00.002-06:00

I know I haven't been blogging. I feel that everything I would write would be so negative and whining and I'm trying to get away from that. I THOUGHT that would be the best thing, now I'm not so sure.

I've decided, instead of blogging, I've decided to journal...in an actual notebook. I have my reasons and I'm thinking it'll help me vent and get it out so I'm not always thinking it. I'll get it out and get over it.

So, what does this mean? I'm not really going to blog. I will be posting my writing and assignments, but those will not be as consistent and I'd like. Now that I have a computer to use (thanks Tracy!), I should be getting back to writing.

We'll see if the journaling helps as I believe it will.

Strike Three

2010-01-28T09:13:00.002-06:00

My darling Five has taken a group of writing friends and given us periodic writing challenges. Our first one of the year was to take six random prompts (2 items, 2 events, 2 problems) and write a story with at least one of each. Below are my prompts and my story. I haven't done any editing or even a reread, so it's not in perfect condition. Enjoy!!

Items: tin of mints, lamp post
Problems: misunderstanding with a best friend, 3 hour commute on a freeway that has become a parking lot
Events: marathon, polka tournament with the devil

Strike Three

A misunderstanding with my best friend. I’ve only had three misunderstandings with Caroline in the entire time we’ve known each other. Considering I met Caroline when I was two years old and my 30th birthday was nearing, I was sure that was some sort of record.

Unfortunately, the 2nd misunderstanding (strike 2)—catching her in bed with my husband—revoked our BFF status and made other misunderstandings impossible for the last year and a half. Or so I had thought until last night.
Last night’s misunderstanding was the reason I had been sitting on a freeway for an hour. Freeway, my ass. I moved further and faster in mall parking lots the day after Thanksgiving.

It took 3 hours to get from my house to Lakeview on a good day. This was not a good day.

I reached for the cell phone in my purse before once again realizing the offending bag in the passenger seat wasn’t mine. It was what started this mess and the reason I was stuck on a freeway parking lot instead of getting my purse from the Lakeview police station.

Caroline’s Louis Vitton pocketbook, the exact same one I owned, sat there, reminding me how she and I always had the same tastes in clothes, books, music…men.

The night before I’d let one of my neighbors talk me into a local charity event. Grant didn’t know about my failed marriage, my failed friendship, my failed life before I had moved into my trendy, artsy (read overpriced) neighborhood with the pretentious fake gaslight lampposts.

I moved there because it was different from where I used to live and was two towns over from where my life had come unraveled after my first misunderstanding with Caroline.

No one recognized me. No one remembered Jennifer Gilbert and that suited me just fine.

So Grant didn’t know when we went to the Society for the Advancement of Art’s annual dinner and art auction that another misunderstanding with Caroline would occur.
The evening started well enough. Drinks, hors d’oeurves whose ingredients cost more per ounce than my last month’s grocery bill and art being nodded at and commented on by people who knew about as much about art as I did about Kenya’s gross national product.

I was looking at a sculpture entitled “Polka Tournament with the Devil” and listening to Methuselah’s wet nurse explain what she thought the piece meant. I had to smile since she was speaking to Grant, the man who actually crafted the blackened iron monstrosity. He listened politely and nodded, never coming clean about his original vision.

When the silk wrapped centenarian dripped her diamonds elsewhere, I nudged Grant.

“So what is it all about?” I asked.

“Did you know I used to play the accordion?” He asked in lieu of an answer. The sweetly wicked smile I was beginning to find alarmingly charming played on his lips.

I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

“My dad played and gave me lessons practically from birth.” He said. “I was actually pretty good—a prodigy according to some.”

I raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Yeah, I know.” He grinned. “The words prodigy and accordion don’t really go together. But I was good and in Louisiana, being an amazing accordion player can get you money.”

“And you quit because?” I brought him back to the point, hoping to get to my original question.

“I lost the tournament.” He raised his glass to the sculpture.

The figure of a man was stretched out too far on a makeshift rack. His face was twisted in pain as his back arched, making his torture that much worse. The ribs of the emaciated figure looked all too much like the folds of an accordion.

I was going to pry more but the music from the local jazz band ended and a reedy voice asked patrons to please be seated for the start of the program.

Grant took my arm and led me back to our table. After sitting, I gave my best smile and looked at the other guests seated with us. My eyes froze as I looked across the table to see a very surprised Caroline looking back.

I couldn’t hear any sound other than my pulse in my ears. My vision narrowed until Caroline was all I saw. I wanted nothing more than to grab the steak knife on my setting and stab her repeatedly. Instead, I grabbed my purse and stormed off to the bathroom without a word to Grant.

I dropped my purse near the sink and placed both hands on the cool marble countertop to steady myself. My breathing was ragged and my heartbeat racing. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, focusing on calming myself. When I opened my eyes again, Caroline’s image was reflected in the bathroom mirror. She looked for all the world like a frightened ghost.

Despite my glares, she came towards me and put her hand on my shoulder. I spun around, catching her off guard. She had to lean against the counter to prevent herself from falling.

“Jen, I—“

“Don’t speak to me.” My voice was more of a growl than words.

“I just want to explain.” She tried again.

“I said, don’t fucking speak to me!” I screamed, causing the two bathroom onlookers to quickly find new places to be.

Caroline opened her mouth then closed it. She picked up her purse from where she had dropped it on the counter and walked out of the bathroom.

I was near tears when I had enough control to walk out of the bathroom. Grant was waiting by the door but I walked past him without speaking. He said nothing, but followed me outside. He gave his ticket to the valet and we waited in silence for the car.

We drove without talking all the way home. Only the radio gave any noise.

Grant pulled into his driveway and silently walked me home.

“Call me if you need anything.” Grant said softly after I had unlocked my front door.

I looked back at him. I heard understanding in his voice and wondered if someone had told him about the first misunderstanding. Instead of asking, I walked into my house and shut the door behind me.

It was two hours later when the phone went off that I even knew there’d been a misunderstanding. The cell phone that was going off in my purse had an unfamiliar ringtone.

As soon as I opened the purse, I realized the mix-up. My purse wasn’t my purse. Panic set in. I dug in the purse, ignoring the phone and praying I was wrong.

The purse wasn’t mine.

I glanced at the cell, surprised to see my name and an old picture of me on the screen. I grabbed the phone.

“Hello?” I was half afraid to hear who was on the other end.

“Jennifer? It’s Caroline, don’t hang up.”

“You stole my fucking purse?” I was more furious than I had been when I caught her in bed with Curtis.

“No, Jen, just listen. I think they got mixed up in the bathroom.” She said.

“You did it on purpose.” I growled. “Give it back.”

“I am.” Caroline rushed her words. “Or, I will. I can’t bring it tonight, but if you can meet me for lunch tomorrow we can switch back.”

“I need it tonight, Caroline. You know that.” I noticed my breath was coming out shorter.

“I know, Jen, I know.” Caroline said. “I swear if I could get it to you tonight, I would but I’m already home. The earliest I can get it to you is tomorrow.”

“Tonight, Caroline. I need it tonight.”

I heard a sigh and a metallic rattle. That noise hurt my soul.

“Fine, what’s your address?” Caroline sounded tired.

As soon as I hung up, I started watching the clock. I knew she still lived in Lakeview. She could live there without the memories, unlike me.

Three and a half hours later I was pacing. Caroline should have shown up 20 minutes ago. I waited another 40 minutes before calling.

“Hello?” A male voice answered the phone.

“Umm…hello, I’m looking for Caroline. Caroline Ketle?” I felt stupid and a bit angry for a stranger having access to my cell phone.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am, you have the wrong number.” The man said.

“I know my own damn phone number.” I said angrily. “Tell her to get on the fucking phone and talk to me.”

“Ma’am, my name is Officer Louis and I can assure you this is not the phone of a Miss Ketle.”

That gave me pause, but only briefly.

“Officer?” My voice was hesitant. “Did something happen?”

“Ma’am, you have the wrong number and I can’t tell you anything else.” The tone was polite but quickly becoming curt.

“No, no, listen.” I could also hear in that tone the officer was mere seconds from hanging up. “My name is Jennifer Gilbert. Caroline wa…is my friend. We got our purses switched at a party tonight and she was supposed to come over and trade back.”

“Miss Gilbert?” It was the officer’s turn to sound unsure.

“Yes, check the license if you have my purse.” I said. “Jennifer Gilbert, 149 West 19th street. Hell, I can even tell you what’s in the purse if you want me to.”

“Miss Gilbert, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you won’t be getting your purse back tonight.” The officer’s voice was kind. “Your friend, Miss…”

“Ketle, Caroline Ketle.” I supplied.

“Yes, Miss Ketle was involved in a collision. She’s currently being treated.”

The silence hung between us on the buzzing line.

“Miss Gilbert?” The officer asked after a few seconds.

“Ummm…okay.” I said lamely. “Where is she?”

“If you’re not family, I’m afraid I can’t tell you.” He paused. “But if you can, please get Miss Ketle’s license and read me her information so we can contact her family.”

“What about my purse?” I asked.

“You can pick it up tomorrow at the Lakeview police station when you come to drop off Miss Ketle’s.” He said. His voice clearly stated his wonderment at how I could care about a purse after I learned a friend was hurt. “Do you know how to get to the station?”

My mind flashed back of all the time I had spent in that station. The officer was either new or just didn’t remember me. Crimes sort of blend, I suppose and I knew there hadn’t been and Officer Louis after the first misunderstanding.

“I know.” I managed to get that much out.

“Good. Now please give me Miss Ketle’s information.” He said.
--------------------------------------

All of that lead up to the reason I was on the freeway. A single misunderstanding was causing a 3 hour commute to take far, far longer. It took me five miles before I found the reason for the jam.

Down below the freeway, banners proudly announced a marathon taking place that day. That would mean roads would be blocked off, people would be rerouted. Everyone would be using the freeway to get nowhere fast.

That was the reason I had moved here. Something was always happening and everyone was involved. Once again it was completely different from the sleepy town where I had come from. That’s what I wanted, except for today.

I eventually made it to Lakeview and to the police department. Inside I spoke to someone who led me to the particular window I wanted.

An officer behind a window verified my identity, had me sign some document and then handed over the purse that caused me to lose sleep the night before. Since the officer didn’t say a word about Caroline’s purse, I kept it as collateral.

I unzipped the purse and reached in, digging for the only thing I cared about anymore. It wasn’t there.

I dumped everything out, making the evidence officer frown at me. It wasn’t there.

“Excuse me.” I said to the officer. “Something’s missing. A mint tin.”
The officer’s frown deepened.

“That’s what was in the purse when the officer checked it in.” She said. “You signed the form agreeing the contents were there.”

“But the tin.”

“That’s what was in there. You signed the paperwork.” Her tone told me not to push her. “If there’s not a tin of mints in there now, there wasn’t one when it was checked in.”

I choked back a sob. It wasn’t there. It was supposed to be there. I had heard Caroline shake it the night before while we had been talking.

A thought struck me. Caroline had it. I had to find her.

Part of me was scared because she was the only person who knew where it was and for all I knew, she could be dead.

I decided to take a chance. I pulled out my cell, only to discover the battery was dead. I took Caroline’s phone and dialed information. After only a few calls I knew Caroline was in Room 217 at St. Francis Memorial Hospital.

Ten minutes later I was charging into St. Francis, Caroline’s purse in hand as my pretext for visiting.

I pushed the door to her room opened, unsure of what or who I’d find. Caroline was lying on the bed, looking groggy, bruised and in serious pain despite the drip I saw attached to her.

Theresa, Caroline’s mother, was there, along with a man I didn’t recognize. Seeing the cuts on his face and the cast on his arm, I assumed he had been with Caroline in the crash.

Theresa gave me a look that could have melted steel. The man seemed to recognize me, though I didn’t know him from Adam.

“Jennifer.” Theresa’s voice was short and angry. “Why are you here?”

I held out the purse, unsure of how to begin.

“Mom.” Caroline’s voice croaked out. “Take Tom and go for a walk. Jen and I need to talk.”

Theresa looked like she was about to argue.

“Please, just five minutes.” I said. “I promise it won’t take long.”

Theresa nodded at Tom and they left. As soon as the door shut, I walked up to Caroline and dumped the purse on the tray next to her bed.

“Where is it?” I asked, knowing she needed no more information.

“Not until we talk.” Caroline’s voice was as raw as she looked. “I promise it’s safe, but we have to talk.”

“I don’t want to.” Even I could hear how childish the statement sounded.

“The just listen.” Caroline adjusted herself on the bed, wincing as she did so. “There’s so much I need to say. Like the affair with Curtis.”

“Save it.” I said. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“But I want to tell it.” Caroline retorted. “I didn’t mean—we didn’t want to hurt you. It was just something that happened.”

I turned away from her, but Caroline knew I wouldn’t leave until she gave me the tin. I was essentially a captive audience unless I wanted to tear her and the room apart.

“After Toby went missing, you shut down.” I wanted to slap her for even speaking that name. “Curtis and I talked about how to help you, but you didn’t want help. You just wanted Toby.”

“My child was kidnapped!” My voice cracked as I tried to scream at her. “You wanted me to pretend like nothing happened?”

“It was Curtis’ son too!” Caroline’s voice cracked for completely different reasons as she struggled to match my tone. “You didn’t care how it hurt him to lose his child!”

“So fucking him was helpful to him how?” I lowered my voice but only slightly.

“It just happened!” Caroline started to cry. “We spent so much time together after it happened. We both knew it was wrong, but we needed comfort.”

“Why the hell did you need comfort?” It was taking all my will not start throwing things.

“Because you blamed me!” Caroline’s face was a mask of physical and emotional pain. “And I blamed myself…”

“I still blame you.” I found myself crying now. “You were supposed to stay with him.”
Caroline looked away first.

“It was a misunderstanding.” She said softly. “One I blame myself for every day.”

“You were supposed to stay with him.” I whispered.

I barely made it to the chair before breaking down into full sobs. I saw Toby in my mind the day it happened, the day of our first misunderstanding, the first strike.
I was at the park with Toby and Caroline, taking in a beautiful spring day. My beautiful two year old boy was having fun playing and running around. It had been a perfect day for all. We were packing up to leave but Toby wanted to swing a little longer.

Caroline and I sighed and shared a knowing look.

“Just five more minutes?” I asked her.

She smiled and swung Toby up, making him giggle.

“Just five more minutes.” She told my laughing boy.

That was the last memory I have of Toby. Once I saw Caroline holding him, I turned away to take the trash to a nearby can.

From her statement, Caroline had seen me kneeling after she put Toby down and assumed I would be bringing him to swing. She grabbed the small ice chest and wheeled it to the car we had come in.

Toby was gone when I came back from the trash can. I looked towards the swing, but neither Toby nor Caroline was there. I scanned the park and saw Caroline coming from the parking lot alone.

We were gone less than a minute, but that’s all it took. Toby had been taken nearly two and a half years ago. He had never been found, no sign at all.

A metallic sound brought me back to the present. Caroline was holding the mint tin out to me. I was shaking as I stood to take it from her. I opened it slowly, barely sure if I could handle seeing it right now.

Inside, taped to the lid of the tin was a picture of Toby the day he disappeared. His brown hair streaked with natural summer highlights. His green eyes were happy, unaware of how the day would be marred.

My hands shook, making the small overall latch inside the tin rattle. I picked it up and turned it over in my hands. It was from the outfit Toby had worn that day. With all the rough play, he had managed to rip it off. So he wouldn’t play with it, I had shoved it into my pocket. It was all I had left. I had held on to it after the police told me they couldn’t find him. It hadn’t left my possession since then.

“I’m so sorry, Jen.” Caroline was crying, her bruised frame shaking. “Please, please forgive me.”

I closed the tin and held it tight, feeling more at ease having some small piece of my little boy with me. I thought of what I could say to Caroline, but had no words. Instead, I decided to do the only thing I could. I walked out of the room, not even bothering to close the door behind me. I could hear Caroline’s sobbing, but it was strike three and there was nothing left for either of us to say.

Getting my house in order

2010-01-13T09:12:00.002-06:00

This post does not pertain to house cleaning in the usual sense, though that's a project I should get on top of soon. Instead, this post refers to getting yourself ready mentally and physically for some upcoming event.

I don't necessarily have an event to get ready for, but I'm tired of simply being. I've already printed the majority of my written work. If I can't write, I might as well edit what's written. Sooooo much to edit and it's my least favorite part of writing. Since I'm no longer friends with my old proofer, I have to do it on my own.

I'm also trying to prepare myself for the coming months. I am a bit worried about the money situation in our household. I know we're not flat broke, but the budget is extremely tight for the next few months. I'm also having a very hard time saying 'no' to certain money drainers, but that's something for me to work on.

Since I'm so worried, I'm stress eating. As I type this I'm munching on rainbow twizzlers. I will get moving this week now that it's not so cold, so that can combat this bad eating habit I've fallen back in to. I will also kick this habit, it's just taking longer than I thought.

To top it off, my memory has become a thing of the past. I am having the hardest time remembering anything. As proof, I offer this story: I had to visit a school to interview a child. I wrote the directions down and drove to the school. I got out, took two steps and realized I had gone to the wrong school. No big deal, I have time. I drove to another school, got out, then realized, once again, I had driven to the wrong school. On try 3, I managed to get to the right one. The worst part is, I KNEW what school I was going to in the beginning, I just went on autopilot and got to the wrong ones. Let's not talk about the myriad other things I've been losing.

This will get resolved, I have complete faith in that. My only problem is I can't solve it all RIGHT NOW. Patience, faith, and a lot of hard work will find me where I want to be.

2010...Four days in

2010-01-04T09:12:00.003-06:00

Many of you are mentally cringing, wondering what I will post. You don't have to pretend, I know I've been somewhat of a challenge over the last few months. Many of my friends were mentally exhausted trying to figure out how to deal with me.

It's okay...I promise. It's a new year and I have found new insight that I will keep.

First off, I will start with what sounds like a complaint. I have gained far too much weight over the holidays. Yes, yes, it is my own fault and I will not bore anyone *again* with the fact. I will only say that I have a plan. New year, only one job...yeah, I can exercise! I actually went out January 2nd to start my new regime.

Here's the deal. Between 2-3 times a week I will head over to the local track. I will walk briskly around the track and go up and down bleachers inbetween those laps. I tried to run, but can only do about half the track before I have to slow down again. I'm not sure if it's b/c of the cold, the fact that I just got over an illness or that I simply don't have the stamina...it could be all three. In any case, this program will be continued.

That won't be it...I do walk the dog on a daily basis. That's roughly a mile walk. I will drop the bad habit of snacking and overeating that I picked up sometime starting around Thanksgiving. It'll be hard b/c our house is still filled with holiday goodies, but I know there's a limit. I don't have to deny myself a slice of Gracie's pumpkin bread, but I don't need half the loaf in one sitting.

The money situation isn't looking any brighter, especially considering my second job is officially over, I may possibly have to look for a newer car and my laptop is more or less dead. Complaining, believe it or not, has not put a single penny into my account! I know! I can't understand it either...I mean, I'm sure I put in all the necessary hours!

All I can do is work with what I have and see what I can save. I've already made some bad money choices since the start of the year, but I can see the error and will correct it.

As for my writing...well, that's a bit difficult. I went through all of my uncompleted ideas and have found that even if I never have another idea, I can safely use 2-3 of my old ones per year and not run out for 30-50 years. Yes, there is that much backlog of writing. I can't be completely gung-ho about that since my laptop is, as I have said, more or less useless. Santa did not bring me a new one this Christmas, so I'll have to save my money and buy one. That won't be for several months. There are some things I can do, but I'm not sure exactly how I'll fix the problem yet. I'll find a solution though.

If I seem a bit more determined, there is a good reason. I am. Basically it's this, Five came home with a new attitude. It's that you say you will do something then you do it. It may take several tries and the solution may not be the easy way, but you can do whatever it is you're trying to do and the world will just have to deal with it.

If you go back and read this blog versus the old ones, you will see a difference in wording. I no longer use phrases like: I hope, I plan, I may, I might, etc. I'm now saying 'I will'. It's definitely more empowering using that phrase and now that I'm using it, I feel more confident that I CAN actually do whatever it is I'm going to do.

Another difference you won't notice, is that I'm changing how I compare myself to others. This is another attitude adjustment thanks to Five. I was bemoaning my physical status and how I'll never be as (insert adjective here) as other girls I know. Five hates this talk with a passion and hadn't been able to break me of it, even though I knew it infuriated him. Seriously, what guy wants to hear the girl he's chosen to be with say she doesn't measure up?

The last time I pulled this stunt, he didn't get upset in the normal way. He sighed and looked at me dead-on, asking me what did I accomplish by insulting myself? Basically, what good was it doing me to wail on and on about 'not being enough'? I had to admit that I hadn't considered that point. When I did, I was surprised to find it did me no good. I wasn't helping to motivate me to be better and comparing myself to others only made me focus on my faults and made me feel really bad about myself.

Here's the question: why do it? I've already got a great guy who loves me and I'm not competing with the others. That being said, I'm not about to plop myself on the couch with a chocolate cake and 12-pack of soda. I still work out to look and feel great. I just don't need to berate myself every time I see a girl with better skin, hair, job, body. I have done such a great job with myself and there will always be someone better to envy. I just don't have to let that control me.

All in all, I'm geared up for a great year. Adventures are planned and so many unplanned ones await. I have resolutions to keep and will get a start on that NOW. Like the well timed fortune cookie told me "You'll get more accomplished if you start now." How true, tasty friend, how true.

O Christmas Tree!

2009-12-18T15:07:00.004-06:00

In my last post I mentioned Five's and my renegade Christmas tree. I never told you the story of it but now I will.

So...this one Saturday, Five and I decided to go hiking along the railroad tracks for a bit. I needed to get out of the house before I went completely stir crazy. I didn't know when we started out that we were looking for a Christmas tree.

The day before, we had discussed our preferences for real vs. fake trees. Honestly, I prefer real ones, while Five likes fake ones. We talked about the pros and cons of each. Then we talked about whether or not we should get a tree. To get a fake one would cost money we didn't want to spend and would be one more thing to pack. To get a real one would still cost money we couldn't spend. We couldn't justify spending any money on a tree b/c we weren't even planning to be in town for Christmas! We were at an impasse.

Five remembered that conversation and, when we began our hike, Five had a small hand saw with him and began looking for a suitable tree. His original goal was to cut the top off a small tree and put it in a bowl. However, after a few minutes of walking, he let me in on the secret. I started looking at the trees a little differently.

There were two trains, both stopped. One began to come towards us so Five and I decided to cross the other stopped train so we wouldn't be in the way. On the other side, we spotted what would be our tree. It wasn't perfect and definitely wouldn't be considered traditional, but we both liked it. Five then had the difficult task of cutting it down. It may have been a small tree, but the trunk was thick enough to make his small saw a challenge.

After he cut it down, I took Rocco and tried to walk home as fast as I could. I got the truck and drove back to where I new Five was waiting. He loaded the tree and we went through Sulphur trying to find a cheap tree stand. We went to Stine first, but, even though they sold real trees, they didn't sell the stands. Luckily for us, Kroger had some on sale.

We got the stand and the tree back home and Five began trimming the tree and put it in the stand. Now we had a tree, but no ornaments. Buying ornaments would have the same problems as buying a fake tree...no money and no space.

Five called up his mother who was willing to lend us extra ornaments. In the end, all we bought was a tree stand, a string of colored lights and a box of ornament hooks. Less than $15 bought it all.

Our house now has a new Christmas tree and a little more spirit. We also have a new story to add to our arsenal and possibly a new tradition.

Changing the year...and myself

2009-12-18T14:32:00.003-06:00

The new year is coming, as is my birthday. I usually take this last month to consider my year in review and what I hope for the coming year. I haven't sat down just yet to do this, but I have been making mental notes.

One thing I have been trying to do is find a better outlook. Since Five has been home, he has brought with him a new attitude. This attitude is seeing difficulties as simply a challenge to over come and not a problem to rail and weep over. I have to admit, that attitude is becoming contagious. I won't say I've gotten completely on board, but I'm at least in the station now.

It's very hard to fight off years of habits and old ways. I've done so much in the last year, but I still have a long way to go. Poor Five has spent the last month he's been home trying to show me this new way of thinking. I've been fighting it, but...well, since my current battle plan doesn't seem to be working, I'm thinking his way might be something to try.

Actually, I looking forward to the new year. I won't have a second job and can finally get on track with my exercise routine. Heck, let's be honest, I just want to get back to living. I'm having such a hard time being 'stuck'. I go from one building to another. The few evenings I'm off, it's too wet, cold or dark to do very much. That will all change once I'm in control of my own time.

Five knows all about wanderlust. It's one of the many reasons he went on Walkabout. It's one of the many reasons we get along so well. My problem is, I'm having the most severe case I've ever experienced.

One weekend Five and I went walking down the railroad tracks, looking for a renegade Christmas tree...yes, everything we do must have a story, thanks for asking. Five found one near two trains that were starting off in opposite directions. On a whim, he jumped on one while it was going slow, went a few feet then dropped up. He tried to take Rocco's leash and laughing, told me to try it. I gripped the leash tight and refused. Normally I'm all on board with things like that....this time I stood my ground. I would not get on the train.

At first, Five probably thought I was scared or nervous and tried to convince me it would be easy and fun. I was not scared of getting hurt. I was scared, as I told him, that I would not get off. That weekend had been the first time I was truly outside in months. I was afraid if I jumped on, I wouldn't have the inner strength to get off again. It would be an opportunity to get away from it all and I wasn't sure I could resist the temptation.

Yes, I would have had no money, food, water or anything to make a journey. That wouldn't have stopped me at all. Five looked even more confused as I told him why I wouldn't do it. He tried to laugh it off and tell me that I couldn't leave today b/c I had to be with him that night. I once again stated I wouldn't get off the train. He now looked a little hurt. He once again tried to play it off by asking if I would actually leave him. I told him I loved him so much that I wouldn't risk getting on that train even for a second.

I think he was a bit disappointed by my attitude. My refusal to try something was completely new. I still say what I did was right. My mental state is not where it should be. I'm looking foward to the new year and a completely new outlook.

Now, I'm not waiting until January to start my new attitude, but, any setback I have, I won't beat myself up over it. That tends to make my situation worse. I'm getting better though and am looking forward to the holidays.

For the love of....!

2009-12-09T10:14:00.002-06:00

So there are about four billion worries going through my mind right now. Recently one of them was proven to be nonexistant, so...yay? Only...well, that's another blog for another day.

So I got rid of ONE worry. Great. There were others, such as 'would I be able to spend Christmas with Five?' Turns out that I will. Only...once again, not as 'yay' as it sounds.

On top of irrational fears and a truckload of mental issues, I have another problem looming on the horizon. If all goes well, I'll only be at BBBS for one more year....if the company lasts that long. United Way cut our funding by half. Not just us, but also a ton of other nonprofits. We're apparently doing better than some and we were told our jobs are not in jeopardy. Of course, they're hoping our Bowl For Kids' Sake will raise a ton of money. Umm...it's not looking good.

As tight as money is, now I'm slightly worried I won't have my job for as long as I need it. Let's face it, if they have to let someone go, it'll be me since they know I'm on my way out. Yes, I'm freaking out a tiny bit.

I already have problems with this time of year and I was working hard to get over it. Now I have more worries to weigh me down. The more I look towards the future, the worse the storm looks. I seriously need to straighten myself out or I'm heading into complete crazy territory. This would be fine if I were on my own, but Five doesn't need to babysit me while I rant about things I can't change.

5 pounds

2009-12-01T08:51:00.002-06:00

The morning of Thanksgiving, I woke up, ran around trying to complete a few chores and then went to shower. Before I stepped into the shower, I weighed myself. The scale told me I was 1.8 lbs from having lost a grand total of 100lbs since I started my new, healthier lifestyle. I was, as you can well imagine, beyond thrilled. My first thought was that I hated Thanksgiving. I KNEW I would not reach that blessed 100 mark that day.

No problem, you'd think. I have other, nonholiday days in which to work off that weight and make it to one of my goals. You'd be wrong. After overeating and not exercising like I should, I have somehow managed to gain 5lbs since Thanksgiving morning. Yes, there are a few culprits I could blame, but, at the end of the day, I only have myself to look at in the mirror.

I am not a happy camper right now. I'm berating myself and my weak will. How could I get so close to throw myself back over two weeks? All I can think to do is try to pay more attention to my food intake and my exercising schedule which lately has consisted of nothing more than working at Toys and walking the dog for 20-30 minutes. I had truly hoped to reach my personal goal before the new year. Now I'm around 17lbs away from that goal and I feel worse than I did when I was well over 100lbs away!

Yes, I know I'm whining right now. Yes, it's all petty in the grand scheme of things, but I have quite a bit weighing on my mind and this is the easiest one to talk about. Even a little release of pressure helps the build up I've got stored inside. Expect more of these unless I find the holiday spirit soon.

Definitely NOT in a holiday mood

2009-11-30T13:26:00.003-06:00

I've learned a lot these last few weeks. The biggest lesson is life does not go according to plan. I'm not a niave person, got that trait kicked out of me at a very early age. However, I've found that I still held some very erroneous beliefs. Movies and books lie. Happily ever after doesn't exist the way they say it does. It doesn't mean it isn't real, just how you think it'll happen isn't how it will.

I'm in a very introspective mood and a bit depressed. Depression is something I'll have to struggle with the rest of my life. I know that and I chose long ago to deal with it without medication or traditional therapy. That means I have low periods. Unfortunately for me, certain things trigger my depression: being stressed, overworked, broke, having to deal with holidays, end of the year, my birthday, dealing with reality I didn't realize was real. Right now my checklist is completely filled in. Prime time for depression.

Normally at this time of year, I handle my depression by having plenty of time to myself. I can see where that would cause others to become more depressed. Not me. My biggest fear is to become that crazy girlfriend. You know at least one. That girl that is emotionally unbalanced to the point where you wonder WHY the guy is with her. I don't want Five to feel he has to take care of me. He just came home and already I'm dealing with a mood. I don't want him to worry or feel he has to be careful around me. However, I need to process this and work through it in order to get over it.

Right now I'm not doing so well with the getting over part. Right now I'm doing some bad things...avoiding things I shouldn't, overeating, not sleeping or oversleeping, and just being generally unpleasant to be around. I can promise once we're well into January, I'll be a billion times better. I just have to get through the toughest month so far. Did I ever tell you I hate December? Yeah, not a big fan of our year end. I would love to skip from October to January. Since that's impossible, I guess I'll have to simply be a sort of unhappy wraith. I only hope I won't ruin the holiday for anyone.

Holiday...cheer?

2009-11-24T11:53:00.002-06:00

I've been having a lousy week. I'm soooo tired, both mentally and physically. I can barely make myself crawl out of bed in the morning to shower and dress. The more I look at my schedule, the more it seems horribly busy and mundane. Not only am I doing hard work...I'm doing the SAME THING EVERY DAY!!

My schedule is pretty much, get up, work at BBBS, work at Toys, go home, attempt to have some meaningful time with Five, go to bed far too late. REPEAT. On the few days I have time, I'm usually cleaning or doing other errands I cannot do during work time. This mundane hectic schedule is killing me.

Today I felt horrible. I was near tears a few times, but I know I'm only cranky b/c I'm tired and miss Five almost more than I did when he was on Walkabout. When I looked in the mirror at work, I noticed I looked as bad as I felt. I haven't had the luxury of makeup b/c I have limited time and energy right now and hygiene is more important than makeup. My hair was pulled into a ponytail but little hairs frayed out everywhere. In short, I looked like the mess I was.

What to do? Even though I'm on a strict budget right now, I knew I needed a little pamper therapy. I raced to the mall and got a haircut. Right away I felt better. Now my hair wasn't just frizzy and straight...it had a little shape to it and my split ends were gone. No one should ever deny the therapuetic effects of a simple haircut. It wasn't anything fancy either, but it made me feel better.

Since I was in the mall, I decided to see if I could find a nice top for the holidays. Thursday (my only nonwork day) we're supposed to go to Five's parents house for lunch and probably a bunch of other relatives later that day. None of my nice clothes fit and I wanted something to make me feel better. I tried on a number of shirts and realized something...girls should not shop alone. You need a friend to run around, finding different sizes and, most importantly, judging you. I did the next best thing. Once I found something I thought I liked, I texted a phone pic to several friends and awaited judgement. Turns out they like it. It's not the same as having someone RIGHT there to turn you around and point out your backfat rolls, but it was all I had.

Now I have a haircut and a new shirt. I may splurge a bit on new black shoes, but that budget is already protesting. Still, I feel so much better than I did this morning! In the end, I think that's all that counts!

News

2009-11-18T09:51:00.002-06:00

In case you missed the announcement, Five came home late Sunday morning. He had told me the night before he was heading home, but not where he was or when he expected to be back. It was a very welcome surprise.

One thing I find so funny is that as soon as he came home, every single problem I've been complaining about seemed to vanish. Yes, I'm still a bit worried about money, my weight loss, etc...but they're not overwhelming me. For some reason, whenever I'm around Five, I just know it'll be okay. I know we can work through it. I like that feeling.

To me, the worst thing I'm dealing with right now is the fact that my second job keeps me from doing the things I'd like to do with Five. I want to spend every available minute with him....technically, I am, I just have fewer available minutes. Come January, I plan to quit the seasonal job and use my free time to go on adventures with Five. The money thing will work itself out in the end. For now, I want my time.

It's just so odd that no problem seems too big right now. Everything I stressed and lost sleep over seems so minor.

It's so wonderful to have him home. I missed him so much and can't even begin to describe how happy I am right now. I have no clue what will happen tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. Our plans may go our way or we may have to work out new ways to meet those goals, but I'm not worried. As long as I'm with Five, I'm where I'm happy and everything is an adventure.

Falling off the map

2009-11-06T14:30:00.002-06:00

I have more activities, work, thinking and writing to do this month than ever before. I've decided to forgo some of my online traffic...mostly the time wasters on Facebook and the like. The blog is going on hiatus too. I can't tell you when I'll be back online, but, unless I've made a prior commitment (NaNoWriMo), I plan on staying away from the internet except for work and Five related reasons.

This forgoing of random items also includes many social engagements. As before, unless there is a prior commitment, I'm going to be saying 'no' quite a bit. It's mostly the work, writing and thinking that I need to concentrate on right now (though if I wasn't ML, I'd give up the writing part quicker than you'd think). Some things have come up that I need to look at objectively. It's going to take time and I don't have as much of it as I need.

Another day

2009-11-05T08:55:00.002-06:00

So...last night was my first night at Toys R Us. I've decided, as long as they leave me on the floor, I'll be okay with the job. Last night was basically 4.5 hours of me straightening shelves, putting things back where they go and attempting to help customers though I knew where nothing was. I was sort of shown the register, but I don't like that aspect and I truly hope I'm not often (or ever) on it.

I did find out that I WILL be off Saturday, which means I can go to the first NaNo write-in! That makes me incredibly happy. I can't promise I'll stay all day long b/c I do have Rocco to deal with. It all depends on if I work Sunday. If so, then I need to get quite a bit done on Saturday (Rocco needs a bath, laundry has to be done, car needs a new inspection sticker, house has to be cleaned, words have to be written). All of that jam packed into one 24 hour period with some having strict time limits.

As for words being written, mine are only dripping out in small increments. I'm stalled on my story and don't like what I have of it already. Tonight I'm free, so after I walk Rocco, I need to get some serious writing done. Just thinking about it makes me incredibly tired. If I wasn't already behind, I'd say 'screw it, I'm taking a day off' and curl up on the couch with hot tea and a bad movie. Then I'd nap, all warm and cozy snuggled up in my quillow. It would be wonderful...*sigh* but I AM behind on my wordcount and have no idea what to do with my story. I can't write tomorrow night b/c I'll be at Toys again. That leaves tonight to get some words in before the write-in Saturday. Five days in and I'm half wishing I could quit. I know I'll push through this block and get my minimum wordcount. Finishing this novel this month is my goal, not really the 50k. We'll see how it goes!

My 2009 NaNoWriMo Group

2009-11-03T13:49:00.004-06:00

Going On

2009-11-03T08:21:00.003-06:00

So Five is officially gone for the week. He left yesterday for his week of solitude, but today will be his first full day out in the woods of the Blue Ridge Mountains. I do worry about him, but I know he'll come out after his time and tell us all what he can of his experience. Still, a girl can worry about her boyfriend if she wants. She's even allowed to be a little selfish and wish he wasn't so out of contact. She'll get over it.

I found out that the paperwork last night at Toys R Us was actually an orientation. I'll have my first night of work there on Wednesday, then another night on Friday. I'm not sure if I work this weekend or not. The manager said the new schedules go out Thursday and since I don't know what day their schedule starts on, I may find I have quite a few more nights to work. I hope I have Saturday off so I can attend the first NaNo write-in. It's not so much that I can write, but I can try and make the group more cohesive. It's important to me to work on NEXT year's group. I truly want Five to see how his hard work paid off. Actually, I hope next year's group is bigger than this year's. I would love for Lake Charles to grow into a massive writing group before we leave for North Carolina.

Speaking of NaNo, I'm doing well so far. I have a wordcount above what the minimum should be and that makes me happy. HOWEVER, I'm cheating a bit. I still don't have the novel I'm supposed to be writing crystalized in my mind. Last night I worked on a short story idea instead of the novel. It was all original fiction, so I'm counting it. If my wordcount is only made up short stories, I'll be happy. Now, the person who's novel I'm supposed to be writing may not be so pleased to find I've 'wasted' the month on other projects. I'm hoping the novel does work itself out in my mind, but I'm not pushing it.

Today I have plenty of office work to keep me busy. I have to give an orientation for my High School Mentors in Sulphur, so that should be...out of the office. I have a stack of paperwork to do that I'm not sure how to finish and I'll be adding to that stack tremendously before the week is over. First things first....do my day work! Then I can focus on the other errands I have to run and tasks I have to do. One step at a time, right?

I know some of my latest blogs have been a bit boring. I looked back at the blogs I wrote when Five was still here. Yes, I whined quite a bit, but I had sooooo much more to write about! Every weekend we did something interesting and I enjoyed reading the old blogs. I really hope that soon I'll be able to write about things more interesting than work and writing, but I don't see that happening for the next few months!

The longest week

2009-11-02T10:45:00.002-06:00

This is going to be a VERY long week for me. Five is officially out of reach for at least a week, if not more. That means no emails, blogs, or occasional chats to look forward to. I go today to Toys R Us (my new part time job) to fill out paperwork and possibly learn when orientation will be. This is also the first week of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). In which I must write a 50,000 word novel in one month.

First things first, Five will be out of pocket because he has decided to spend the next week (at least) in the Blue Ridgle Mountains. He will be away from people and just about everything manmade. He will be contemplating life and simply hanging out in beautiful surroundings. I do envy him that he'll get to do such a thing. I'd love nothing better than to be in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by nothing by natural beauty. I'm also a bit down that I have no word from him to look forward to. I'm grateful for all of the contact I've had to date, but it's spoiled me a bit.

Toys R Us...well, I really can't fret too much about that. I go in today to finish paperwork and may learn when the orientation is. I will probably have a few hours this week, but I'm not sure. I'll have to wait to see if it will add on this very hectic week.

NaNoWriMo is dear to my heart. I've competed for quite a few years and I'm sort of excited about this year. I'm Co-ML'ing with my good friend, Gracie. Honestly, I should have stepped out and let Paula and Gracie do it...they seem to have the energy for it this year. I'm not sure how involved I'll get to be with the 2nd job, but I will do my part, trying to make this a great year for the roughly 17 writers who came to the kickoff party! That excited me because it's over triple the number we've had the last two years. I do worry about making my wordcount, but I think I can squeeze it in...if the story cooperates.

There are other things to consider, but for now, for this first week, those three are all I want to think about. Let's see just how long it feels like it takes to make it through the first week of November!

Life

2009-10-30T11:57:00.002-05:00

I think I'm ready to blog again. I've had a bit of time with myself and my thoughts. I've tried to think about what I want, what I need to get there and what I'm willing to do to make it happen. In the end, I found there are lots of things I can't change and can't have right now. There are compromises I'll have to make and hard decisions to face. I had to admit I'm not in a place I want to be emotionally, financially, mentally or physically. There are questions I can't answer and worries I can't resolve. The end result is now I have a course to follow.

I did get a second job. I accepted a position at Toys R Us today. I won't be getting the hours I want at first, but this may be a good thing since I still want to participate in National Novel Writing Month this November. I won't be able to attend all the write-ins, but I'll be able to write some and do a bit as municipal liaison. Luckily, I'll have a good friend, Gracie, who will be helping me head up the LC chapter, so it's taken care of.

The work at Toys will probably be more difficult than what I would have done at Target, but I think I'm making a good decision. It'll be income and even a little more will help with bills and savings. If the work is a bit more strenuous physically, that will help me continue my weight loss goal even when I can't exercise as much as I wanted.

I did have to admit to myself that by taking a job, I will not be able to visit Five in December. It's possible he may be home, but it's just as likely that he won't. All I can do is wait and see. I may be able to ask for a few days off, but not the ones I had originally planned to take. My nine days with him is an impossibility unless I quit the job, something I don't believe I will do.

I'm not sure exactly what I want just yet, but I'm getting closer to figuring it out. Right now, all I can worry about is what's occuring in the next few days. I have things to do right now. I'm keeping an eye on the future, but I can't arrange things so it all goes my way. I finally realize I can't have control over everything, not even in my own life.

Updates

2009-10-19T15:59:00.002-05:00

I know I usually whine...uh, update, daily, but I'm going to take a short break from it. One thing I haven't been doing too much lately is thinking...serious thinking.

Lately I've been on a rampage of freakouts. Every time I freak out, it follows the same course. I have a problem that seems insurmountable. I become a bit depressed then I jump into action, finding every available opportunity. Usually I come out exhausted and seemingly still mired in a hopeless situation. Then I REALLY think about the situation, usually finding it's not nearly as bad as I thought, or I can get through it a little at a time. Like Paula told me "One day at a time, sometimes that as far ahead as we need to see."

I've been giving certain issues a lot of thought and pushing others out of my mind. Unfortunately it seems some of those push away things were ones I should have addressed. Now I find myself in a mental corner. I've been overreacting lately to certain things and not reacting at all to others. In my defense, I have found my possible overreactions may not ENTIRELY be my fault, though the majority of it is. I still have control over how I react to situations, even if I can't always control how I feel about them.

I'm not sure when I'll update again, but when I do I hope to have a bit more clarity. I think I need to keep my inner thoughts mostly to myself until I can work some of them out. In the end, I know I and possibly my blogs, will be better for it.

One Week

2009-10-15T09:28:00.002-05:00

I applied online for quite a few jobs. Of course, I'd like to know immediately whether or not they will hire me...when they will...how much they'll pay me...and what hours they expect me to work.

My problem with stress has never been the actual problem. Problems have solutions and I'm willing to work to find the solution. It's the questions I can't answer that get me. The unknowns. I live to have all the information in a row. I want to know EVERYTHING. And life, in case you haven't figured it out, doesn't give you all the answers.

I know once I get the job...whatever it will be, my brain will stop whirling and I'll calm. Whatever my schedule, I'll find a way to make it work. Once the first check comes in and goes right out to a bill, I'll start to feel so much better.

For now, I'm left with lots of unknowns and no way to answer them. I'll try to wait patiently for one week...the minimum time I'm supposed to give the online apps. After that, I cannot promise I won't freak and tear around LC and Sulphur, begging for work.

Tested

2009-10-14T08:59:00.003-05:00

My positive outlook on life is being sorely tested at present. Everyone who talks to me at all knows my current goal is to move to North Carolina, with Five, in December of 2010. I've paid off credit card debts and like in order to save money for this trip.

Currently I haven't been able to put a dime away. First the stove had to be replaced, I have to buy Five's truck, then my car broke down, now the god-awful expensive dental work. I can pay all of this off, but not pay it off and save. I've sat down and drew up my salary/bills report. Yep, no money to put away.

So, what can I do? Get a second job. I'm currently scouring the area looking for a job that will allow me to keep my current one and get a few hours of sleep inbetween.

There are some problems with this.

1) The dog will receive little to no attention from anyone if I get a second job. He'll be tethered outside most of the day. With no attention, he starts misbehaving. Not a good deal.

2) Getting a second job means loss of fun. I'll have to give up on NaNo, the opera, and basically everything I've wanted to do in the 'me' time, including exercise and writing.

3) When Five comes back, I'll have little to no time for him. Our plans to visit his bro and sis-in-law will be out. No new job will allow me so much time off unless I quit.

4) If Five hasn't returned to the area by Dec, my plans to visit him for 9 days will be out of the window. Once again, no new job will grant me that much time off.

The part that gets me is I'm not hurting for money. With my current job I can pay all of my bills and, in some months, pay off the new debts. I just won't be able to save any for the move. Five and everyone else tells me not to worry about it. It's not my fault. Five will understand.

The problem is, I can't sit idly by and see our plans ruined. Granted, by taking this second job and having no time, other plans of ours involving travel before the move are ruined. Still, this is my decision. I have to do something to improve my financial situation. If a second job is what it takes, then that's what I have to do. I'm not happy about it, but it's only temporary until I have the money for the move.

The beginnings of reflection

2009-10-12T12:19:00.003-05:00

Everyone feels it at some point. The feeling may last a long time or you may be able to shoo it away rather quickly. No matter what you're doing, when you get this feeling, you're suddenly very small and insignificant. You're suddenly unsure about your course in life and the choices you've made.

I'm talking about the passing of time. When one day, right in the middle of your life, it dawns on you that your very existence has a time limit. You don't know when it is, but there is one, just as surely as you once had a due date.

It's not a morbid thought. We are all mortal creatures. One day you will die. Everything does. It's what you do, day by day, that defines your life. Don't live as if you have forever, live as though you KNOW there is no do-over. Today is only here once and so are you.

I'm nearing what could be considered a small milemarker. It won't be too long before I turn 30. Now, the thought of turning 30 doesn't bother me (mostly b/c I still have 3 years before it happens). I'm not sure how my age will affect my life or its course, but I've been thinking a lot about my life to this date.

My birthday is near the end of the year. Most people think about their lives the closer they get to the new year. For me, it's truly a new year. Another birthday, another year to have accomplished something. It never fails that around October I start giving my life and its direction a bit more thought.

What did I accomplish? Well, I do feel I've come a long way this year, mostly emotionally and mentally. I can tell I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting somewhere. I think I've done a decent job becoming a healthier person, though, once again, there is room for improvement. As long as I'm alive there's room for improvement.

Have I accomplished all of my goals? No, definitely not. Do I feel I've accomplished something? Yes, very much so.

I know I'm not promised next year, tomorrow, or even my next breath. Still, I cannot do everything I want at every moment of the day. Some goals in life take planning. Some responsibilities have to be met. Even if I never accomplish everything on my to-do list, I now know that as long as I'm striving to make my dreams come true and seeing the world around me, I am living my life. It took me nearly 27 years to finally come to the conclusion that I'm not perfect and can't ever hope to be. It took me that long to realize that just b/c I haven't done it all doesn't mean my entire year or life, has been wasted.

I think I'm ready for this birthday. I think this will be the first year ever I won't need to hide away and bemoan all I failed to do. My failings should not be forgotten, but they shouldn't be at the forefront of my brain when I think about my life. They have their place on equal footing with my accomplishments.

I want to thank my cousin Kimberly for allowing me this insight. We are very different people and are looking for our happiness in different ways. Neither of us can claim their way is right since every person out there must find their own unique path to happiness and fulfillment.

I was exchanging emails with her when I went off onto a very long tangent (probably one she could have lived without). It dawned on me just how much I've grown and how I'm finally starting to see what I want in life. Below is my response to her.

"I can understand how you’d be questioning his decision to explore this way. In all reality, I don’t b/c I’m just like him. I’d love to be out on the road with him right now, to be seeing and doing what he is. He actually asked me to go way back in the beginning but I declined b/c I said this one trip needed to be about him. If you take along another person, you won’t make the same decisions, esp if that person is a girl. We do plan to go on a shorter walkabout together. But this adventure for him is just like all the ones we’re planning.

Neither of us has truly felt content with a job and house and weekend plans. We want to see and explore things. We want to get a little dirty and be a bit uncomfortable. It’s only in testing your limits and getting out of that comfort zone that you can truly grow and see things. Everyone has their own way of making themselves more complete and human. For us, it’s exploration in ways that most people wouldn’t dream of doing today. When we’re outdoors everything takes on a new meaning. Jason’s talked about this in his blog. Even something as simple as setting up the tent is important when you’re out there. Your shelter, food, water, everything depends upon your ability to get or make it. Nothing is just THERE. Your food tastes better b/c you know there’s no grocery store, fast food restaurant or refrigerator out there. I know how to filter water, start a fire, find and/or build shelter, boil water in a plastic bottle in an open fire without melting the plastic, can identify certain edible plants. I know how to do so many things now that most people would find useless but is of vital importance when I’m out of ‘civilization’.

I know when we paddle the entire Mississippi river, people will question us taking three months of our lives to do this. The same will happen when we paddle the other rivers or walk the Appalachian trial. They’ll shake their heads and say things about careers and possessions. We both believe a job shouldn’t be your life. You work to earn money to live your life the way you want. We know that any adventure we take won’t be taking away or wasting our lives or futures, it’ll be us truly living our lives in the way we want to…it’ll be us giving ourselves a history to look back on in our future years. Unconventional, maybe, but did anyone ever think I would fall into the norm? I just happened to find a guy that falls into my own category of normal and very soon we’re going to take that category and continue to define it.

I’m not saying anyone who doesn’t travel or try to temporarily detach themselves from modern life has something wrong with them. My and Jason’s point is being out there, reconnecting with places and people others don’t think to, exploring our world, makes us happy and feel more complete. We both spent too many years of our lives trying to follow paths others said were right. We spent too many years putting our own dreams aside b/c someone said we couldn’t do them or they were a waste of time. We both regret that now, but we’re making up for it. We want everyone to seriously take stock of their lives and decide what makes them happy. If their current life doesn’t, they should find out why and try to do something about that. You have today to start, not tomorrow, not next month. Whatever brings you joy in life is what you should be doing. Why would anyone trade that for a life they don’t want? So many people are excellent examples of this. I know they wish they could have done certain things in their lives and they never got the chance. Now they're not trying to take any more chances. It’s never too late to figure out where your happiness lies and find out how to get there. It doesn’t need to be a drastic change. Life was meant to be lived, not meant to be compromised until your very soul is numb."

Other blogs

2009-10-08T09:56:00.003-05:00

I never claimed to be the world's most philosophical person. I never claimed my words come out poetical and thought provoking. I can get that way, but mostly when I'm writing things like a blog, I don't bother. I get whiny, I get frustrated...I get it all out. Writing for me is a form of catharsis. Since I'm also a writer, I tend to get a bit envious when I see someone talking about the same topics I do, only in a better, more meaningful way.

I can't compete with Five's blog (http://newanderthal.blogspot.com/) and I'm not trying to. I simply can't compete with Five as a writer period. We have different strengths and weaknesses. Plus, his blog is all about his amazing journey of walkabout. Mine is about staying home and trying to find my own adventures, as well as the whole whining and vain ranting bits.

Another blogger who I will not try to compete with is Five's older brother. He recently updated his own blog with an entry on Five's trip. In one entry, he says so much so clearly. His blog is one I wish I could have written, but was too wrapped up in myself to write. Go read his blog so you can see what I'm talking about (http://hardmiles.blogspot.com/) He doesn't update often, but his one entry is worth my entire blog of rants.

Little things

2009-10-06T11:59:00.002-05:00

I'm finding that I'm enjoying the little things more. Now that things have become a bit overwhelming metally, emotionally, financially and the like, I made a promise to myself that I would not let it get me down. I know I'm strong and smart enough to handle the situations before me. Fretting, while it may be an emotional outlet of sorts, it's really not productive in anyway.

I'm dealing with the big issues as I can and trying to take them individually instead of seeing the entire mess. On their own, they seem fairly trivial. Granted, I haven't the resources to deal with everything NOW, but it will be dealt with in a timely manner, i.e., as the resources become available.

What do you do when life seems to have taken a more challenging turn? Like I said, enjoy the little things. One of my favorite 'little things' for the moment is reading. I've been reading Five's sci-fi novel and thoroughly enjoying it. I put off reading it for some time due to all the pressures of getting things together for Five's departure, then my own mini crash. A few nights ago, I decided to try reading again. I picked up the binder with his printed novel and began reading. An hour later I found I remembered everything I read and had loved it. Reading is a great passion of mine and I was so heartbroken when I couldn't concentrate before. Now I'm right back into the old groove. As soon as Five's novel is done, I have a whole list of books I wanted to read! I can't wait!

Last night I wrote down some dialogue for a novel I plan to work on after November. It as about a page without description and the like. It doesn't seem like much, I know, but I haven't written in months. This was a huge breakthrough for me! My voices aren't all back yet, but I know I'll be ready before NaNoWriMo...if not maybe a little before it!

My weight loss goals are getting on track. I'm roughly 2-4 lbs from being in that blessed 'normal' category. There's still quite a bit of work to be done before I reach my own goal, but I'm up for the challenge! Had I more money, I would start going to a gym to work some areas that need it, but I'll stick with what I have for now. I'm doing well and feeling better. I'm finally starting to see the changes in my body, which makes me so incredibly happy. People losing the weight are usually the last ones to acknowledge it.

Five was the one who was supposed to experience all the changes in mind, body and spirit. His walkabout was to be one great defining moment, where he would challenge himself and learn to see the world from a different perspective. Well, it's working on me too. I can see, a little every day, how I'm changing and growing. Maybe not changing, but becoming the person I was meant to be. If nothing else, I'm at least feeling calmer and more confident in the face of challenges that would have brought me to my knees only a year ago.

Trials

2009-10-03T19:59:00.002-05:00

I decided not to worry about money. I decided there was nothing I could do for now. I make what I make and there's no way to increase that amount just yet. I decided to put my energies towards something productive.

I decided all of that and felt tremendously better...until things started piling up. My car died. I had to pay ungodly amounts of money to get everything I needed to drive Jason's truck. I was thankful I had a vehicle, even if I had to pay money I needed for other things.

I was also thankful my brother would soon be picking up my car to fix it...until he found out that the problem with it was going to cost more money than I could pay. I JUST decided to keep the car and it breaks on me. Ironic.

I know I've been too tense lately and it's affecting my health. I've been prone to cold sores my entire life and always get them when I've just been too stressed. Got one now.

I'm truly trying to think positive and look at what really matters in life. It just seems as soon as I make those promises to myself, I'm tested from the start. I'm keeping to the promises. I may not have the money, but that's okay. I can make it through even if it won't be as easy as I'm hoping. I should know by now that life, especially mine, is never very easy.

Onward

2009-10-01T09:25:00.003-05:00

So Five's only been gone two weeks. When I realized that, I decided my recent seemingly unexplainable bipolar tendencies were quite understandable. I'm not crazy, I'm just missing him like crazy.

I've been yo-yoing b/w doing quite well, to middling, to outright insane. It's only been two weeks, which means I'm still trying to cope with the idea that Five is not with me. Two weeks...that isn't enough time to properly deal with everything. The fact that today I'm feeling okay, but vulnerable is...well, okay. The fact that only a few days ago I was near panic attack mode, is also okay. I'm not at a point yet where I've eased into life without Five. I'm still finding my own place again.

I got to chat with Five yesterday and learned that he's feeling so much better mentally and physically. He's becoming healthier and can truly feel it with every step he takes. That made me both happy and envious. I'm glad he's reaching a point where he can feel and see the benefits of his trip.

The envy came b/c I'm not where I want to be physically. Granted, I'm a lot closer than I was 20 months ago. I'm 25 lbs away from the goal I set for myself, but I also found out I'm only 6 lbs away from being in a normal weight class for my height. In six more pounds (which will probably take several weeks to lose), I will no longer be obese or even overweight. I will have reached a much healthier area. This is a great accomplishment when I consider I've always been overweight and for many years, in that dreaded 'obese' category.

Now I have motivation. If I'm to see Five in December, I can't possibly let him be the only one who's fitter. Granted, he spends every day on the move. Sometimes he has to walk across cities to get to his next destination. That's not an excuse.

"If you want to do something, you will find a way, if you don't, you will find an excuse."

This extra motivation will help on those days I'm cranky and just don't care. It'll help whenever I look over some junk food and try to decide if it's worth it. I started losing weight for myself, but myself is getting lazy. Now I have a new motivation...don't be the only one not fit! How can I possibly keep up with Five once he gets back if I'm not in a better physical condition myself?

Onward to better health! (If only I could find the motivation to write!)

Money freakout

2009-09-28T21:27:00.002-05:00

I am having a mini-freakout right now. In order to move to North Carolina, we need money. In order to get money, I have to save it.

I recently did a very detailed report of my expenses versus income. I have decided that if we stay in Sulphur until December of next year, I can only save $3,000...after I pay off my credit card (due to the stove), and Jason's truck...and assuming I don't have any mysterious expenses.

Here's the problem...there is at least one big unexpected expense. In December, I AM going to visit Five...if we stay in a hotel for the entire 9 days I'm wherever I will be, it's going to cost so much money. That's not counting the gas and food it'll take to get there.

I don't want to be the reason the move is postponed. I don't want to be a burden. I want to put in as much for the move as Five will. I want to be sure that once we move, we can afford a decent place. I want to ensure we have a bit of time to get steady income coming in. I don't want Five to have to postpone his resurgence of his TDN empire.

I like to pay my own way. I don't want to depend on anyone else and I don't want things to be tough because of me.

I can get a second job...only Five was insistent that it wasn't necessary. Also I'm not sure where to I could apply since I only have evenings and weekends. Oh, yeah, and I can't even LOOK for a job until January. I have NaNo this November and the trip to Five in December. Both will require my time and attention. A new part time job won't give me the time I need.

Here's another problem. If I DO get a second job, what happens when Five gets back? He may come back far before a year is up. I don't want to spend my every waking minute working when Five is home. He wants to get two jobs when he gets home, but I can't have him working himself to death.

So what do I do? I need the money...though even if I have a second job that I can save every penny of, will it be enough? How much is 'enough'?

Yeah, I'm freaking out right now and incredibly depressed. I feel useless right now and incredibly alone. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

Missing journals, missing pounds, missing focus

2009-09-28T10:45:00.002-05:00

So the bad news first. Someone stole Jason's journal and few other effects from a bus station in New York City. He blew out his recently healed bad ankle trying to run down the guy. As a writer, the loss of a journal, personal writings from nearly two weeks of the most important trip Five's ever been on is painful for me to contemplate. As his girlfriend, I'm frantic about this...his losing something that was so important to him. I emailed the NYC sanitation department, the mayor's office and even found out how to make a lost and found claim with the NYC transit system. I had to send Five the info for the lost and found claim since I don't have all the info on his bag. I hope he can make the claim. I know getting the journal back would take a miracle, but I had to try everything I could. It means too much to him for me to sit back and not try.

One good thing is that Five doesn't believe his trip will take a full year. We've all been trying to figure out the earliest date he could return. I won't say what the consensus is, b/c I don't want to jinx it. I prepared myself for a full year, so even one day shorter than that would make me happy. I do still have to remember that his trip will be as long as it takes and even though he feels his answers are coming sooner than expected, I can't get my hopes too high.

On anothe note, I've finally broken through my weight plateau. I'm only 25 lbs away from the goal I set. I put the treadmill together and actually used it. Since I haven't been on it in a while, I couldn't stay on it for as long as I wanted. Still, I'm happy to say I can feel the workout in my calves. With any luck, before my birthday gets here in December, I'll be able to proudly say I met my goals!

I still don't have my focus back for reading or writing. I thought I had it after I cleaned on Saturday, but after hearing about Five's journal, my focus disappeared again. I was actually so upset that I nearly cried. I felt, somehow, the same way I did the day he left. I felt a huge loss that I couldn't do anything about. Apparently Five took it better than me. After a full day of being crazy, Five's second blog made me feel worlds better. Of course, Five always could make me feel better, even when he wasn't trying. That could one reason I love him so much.

When emotions go weird

2009-09-25T14:24:00.002-05:00

Today I went to Sulphur High School to talk about the High School Mentoring Program. At first, I thought it was funny when I passed through the quad. Five wrote in his zombie novel, Plan Z, about how the local high school was used as a temporary safe location until others could rescue the survivors. When I passed through there were a ton of soda and chip machines. I figured it wouldn't be the worst place to have to hole up for a few days.

After my talk, when I walked back through the same area, instead of being amused, I choked up. The emotion was intense and sudden and I nearly burst into tears. I suddenly thought about how Five must have walked those same halls when he went there. How when he went to that school he had no clue or care that I existed.

I actually looked around, as if I'd find a teenage version of Five standing somewhere out there. I wanted to tell that younger him about what was coming. I wanted to let him know there would be some dark years up ahead, but there was a bit of light at the end. Things WOULD get better, no matter how much darkness came ahead.

Later, once I'd sufficiently calmed down, I wondered if I would have actually done that given a chance. Would I have altered his thinking if I could? That leads to the age old debate of fate versus chance. Would Five and I have met no matter how our lives would have turned out or was our meeting a random chance?

My own belief system is a bit confusing. I believe there are experiences, people, places and things that we're supposed to have and meet. I believe that those things seem to fit where others like them don't. However, I don't believe we're fated to find those things. There may be one job out there that's perfectly suited to you. One you would love and make a living at. If you don't go looking for it, you'll never get there.

There may be people you could meet that would make your life better, teach you something or just be a great addition to your life. If you don't go out there to meet people, you won't find them.

But what about...and here you cite some random example of a person who had something fall into place for them. I still say there were in a receptive place and time for that to occur. I don't believe something will come to you if you don't want it to.

So, would I have told that younger Five about his upcoming life? I would have. Even if that meant he'd never get around to that NaNoWriMo to meet me, I'd want him to know what happens so he could be happier and perhaps make different choices. Would I go back and tell myself things? No...I wouldn't risk not meeting Five for anything. I'd make all the bad choices and face all the pain in my life again for the last ten months I've had.

Better every day

2009-09-24T09:36:00.005-05:00

Last night I went to see the 70th anniversary showing of "The Wizard of Oz" with Gracie. I learned two things: 1) Gracie and I probably shouldn't be in public together and 2) no matter what you thought when you were a child, seeing something as an adult ALWAYS gives you new insight.

Before the movie though, I got another special treat. Five called! Unlike the first time he called, I didn't break into tears. I was so happy to hear his voice. He was staying with a second couchsurfing.com friend since Rex's girlfriend wanted one last night with Rex before she left for the Peace Corps for two years. Umm...I felt a bit of chagrin for my own whining.

We talked about cajun dishes he could make for the Alabamians with shrimp and then we simply chatted for a bit. We hung up b/c he told me that the longer he heard my voice, the more it was hurting him. THAT hurt me a bit, but until that moment, I had no saddness, only a longing to have him near and excitement that I was talking to him.

I learned that instead of running off to North Carolina, he wants to run up to Rhode Island for the changing of the leaves. If he can get up there in under two weeks, he can see their fall. Before the snow he wants to head down south...possible to NC then. I truly hope he gets his wish and plenty of people pick him up and take him to his destination.

I'm still looking around for things to do. I TRULY hope I get to write this weekend since I don't have any other plans. I have so many projects to finish BEFORE NaNo gets here. I'll also be starting my slow but steady running program. Those 30lbs will not defeat me! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! (It's okay, I'm like this on a normal day).

Now that I'm feeling more like myself, I plan to follow through on all of my goals. I'm surprised it's only taken a week for me to start looking around again (not counting writing and reading). I still miss him and always will, but I'm finally ready to do things and making plans for myself. I think I'm ready to take on the world again!

Doing stuff

2009-09-23T09:53:00.002-05:00

Everyday that passes I get a little bit closer to 'normal'...well, normal for me. I know I won't stop missing Five until he's back, but I can miss him like crazy and continue to live my life. I think that's what we both had planned for me before he left anyway. I could be wrong, I was a bit distracted at that time, but sitting home, crying, overeating or not eating and feeling sorry for myself doesn't seem like a plan either of us would have thought up.

I've had an unexpected treat this week. For the last two days Five's been in Montgomery, AL, he's stayed with a guy named Rex and I've been able to chat with him! Online chatting, yes, but it's immediate communication and I'm loving it! He'll probably leave the area tomorrow, but at least I got that contact! I'm also enjoying the fact that Montgomery has been much kinder to him that Mobile. I was so worried about him in Mobile and sure his mood about his walkabout was ruined, but he's found a new spirit and will continue on that road refreshed and renewed. He's hoping to get to North Carolina soon and spend perhaps a month exploring that region. That's fine with me b/c NC is supposed to be our new home town after he returns. His travels means he can do recon work there.

I'm finally finding things to do. Tonight I will hang out with Gracie and tomorrow I'll be in Jennings having dinner with my aunt and uncle. These may not seem like big things to you, but it helps me reconnect with others, which is something I find I need right now. It also gets me out of the house and is slowly bringing me back into the world. The evenings don't seem as long, though sometimes I could lose an hour or so and not miss it.

Another thing I'm doing is setting up the NaNoWriMo region for this year. Lake Charles is officially under my control (poor things!) and I've been on the website ordering stickers, wiping last year's posts and general updating. I know November will be packed due that crazy month long writing challenge! I *think* I'm prepared. I'll have internet, so that will help me try to guide myself and the NaNo'ers in my area to our 50k. I'd love to do another 100k year, but I will not press that matter. If it happens, then I'll be thrilled. If I only hit 50k, I'll still be thrilled! If I fall under par, the other ML's in other regions will come and give me numerous lashings...one from each ML for every word I'm short.

I'm hoping to set my treadmill back up soon (forgot to get Five to help me before he left) so I can do more exercise instead of simply walking the dog and my weak crunches. Don't get me wrong, those aren't bad ways to get moving, but if I'm going to lose the 30lbs I have left of my goal, I need to do a bit more than a 20-30 minute walk around the block and 50-100 crunches.

The treadmill will help me start on my running goal. I've always wanted to run. I've heard it helps unblock you and make you feel alive even as it takes energy from your body. My cousins, Kent, Emily and Kimberly have inspired me to start now. They'll be running the Mardi Gras marathon in New Orleans. You can follow their progress at http://weshallrun.blogspot.com . Granted, they're in better condition than I am, but my goal is not a marathon, just to run. I've never had the stamina to run but I know I can slowly work up to it on my treadmill.

At the very edges of my mind, I can hear my voices/muses returning. I even had a bold one talk to me yesterday evening as I walked the dog. It pulled up something I was going to write and gave me a direction I needed. However, when I got home and turned on my computer, I was all alone in my head again. I'm not rushing it. I will wait patiently and find other things to do. I've always found that the time when the voices are loudest, crying for writing time and attention, is when I'm busy with other plans.

I'm also finding my focus returning, which means I might be able to read again soon. Do you have any idea how hard it's been not to be able to read? I can understand a break from writing, but not from reading. I pick up a book and either find myself pages in and not knowing what I've read or I stare at the page for some minutes before I realize I haven't moved my eyes from the first word. I've never understood how anyone could say they couldn't read, until now. It's been strange. Slowly, like everything else, I'm finding the reading is coming back to me.

I can feel myself changing as days go on. I was never a person who felt they needed to be part of something, but now I want to. I'm not saying I'll go join every group I see, but I want to connect--really connect with those that mean the most to me. I want to spend time with them. I spent so many years on my own, trying to keep myself safe from being hurt that I never realized how miserable I'd become. I told you Five helped me grow and heal. That was one of the things he helped me realize. I do like people and I do want to be closer to those I love. They offer me opportunities all the time and I rarely took them. Now I'm trying to make opportunities.

I kind of like learning about the new me. Five told me something today, relating to him, that I want to adopt as my own. "I can feel the trip working within me, changing my perspective of things ever so slightly with each new experience. I can't wait to see how I feel next week, or next month." I can feel it too. I have an opportunity each day to decide whether to let this new moment work within me and change me or let it pass and stay stagnant in my own ignorance. I choose to be different. I choose to let things work within me and change me. Whether the change be for the better or not, I control that too. I want to enjoy my life and expand as a person instead of trying so hard to keep my heart from being broken. Everyone you meet, everything you do, see, taste, touch, experience, can change you if you let it. You're not a victim of circumstance, you can make a choice and you are in control of your life and destiny. Why not choose to take those reigns and steer yourself in a direction you actually want to go?

Slowly but surely

2009-09-22T08:47:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if my title is talking about Five's progress or my own. Maybe it's a 'yes' type situation. I encourage anyone who reads my blog to check in on Five's. www.newanderthal.blogspot.com.

I received an email from him this morning and I didn't break down. Actually, I was excited to hear from him. It's only been a week, but it seems like eons since he left. It's truly been less than a week, b/c at this time last week I could still hold him if I wanted. He didn't leave until 6pm, so we were still together.

I've decided to rethink my entire stance on our time apart. What I've decided in this: before I started dating Five, I was a miserable person with many problems. In the last ten months, he's helped me grow and heal tremendously. I'm a much stronger and happier person than I was before we met. Now he's giving me the unique opportunity to take that new, shinier person and test her out on the world without him. It's sort of like the first time your parent's let go of the bike sans training wheels. You know you can do it on your own, you just need to prove it to yourself.

How many people will ever get this chance? I get to be on my own, a slightly better person than I was before, and in the end, I still get the person I love. How's that?

I'm also looking seriously about the psychological effects of time. Well, mostly our perception of them. What I've discovered is that numbers are irrelevant. It's our perception of them that gives them power.

Here's what I mean. I have 93 days until I see Five in December. That seems like forever from now. If he's gone a full year, I have roughly 358 days until he's home. That is also eons for me. However, a year is only 48 weeks, I currently have 47 until he's home. That number seems fairly small.

Okay, so you're saying if the number looks smaller, I feel better, right? No. 358 days only has 8,592 hours or 515,520 minutes. Those numbers are gigantic but they don't feel to be as much time as saying 358 days. Actually, the worst number for me is the very smallest- 1 year seems like forever from right now.

It makes no sense, but I never expect life to do so. What I've decided to do is focus on the number that gives me the most hope...which is 47 weeks left until the year is over. When I think about that, I actually panic a bit, wondering if I can get everything done in so short a time. It's only 13 weeks until I see him for December. Dear God, there's no way I can do something interesting by then, right? I don't know, but I'll try my best!

Weekends

2009-09-21T08:13:00.002-05:00

Weekends are by far the toughest thing. I had two whole days and nothing I could think to do with them. My writing voices are still not back, so that's out of the question. Reading still isn't working b/c I haven't a clue what I've been staring at for however long I've tried to read. So what can you do?

I started out okay on Saturday. I got up at 6:30 and took the dog for a walk again. When I returned, I showered and decided I needed a nap...that lasted until nearly 1 pm. I know it's more of a depression sleep...it's not productive at all and you wake up exhausted, but at least it gets rid of some time.

Gracie came to visit me around two with her delicious pasta. I haven't been hungry lately, but I've been making sure I eat a little. She stayed until five before she had to go to work.

Okay...I still have hours left of my day, what now? I went to buy something in hopes it would solve a computer problem I've been having. No such luck. I then fed the snakes, which I finally got the picky one to eat the food he's supposed to. Then I realized there were UFC fights that night. I wasn't sure if I'd go, but I did.

The thing about UFC fights is that, in Sulphur, one place to watch them is a bar called Tropical Spirits. Yeah, I had to go to a bar by myself. It was okay b/c the place was small, except one guy saw me taking notes the entire time and got curious. I didn't want to be bothered, I wanted to watch the fights and make notes to Five. This guy ruined my evening my just being curious. I'm not in a mood to entertain curiousity right now.

I left before the last two fights were over. So many of the others ended in round one that after the main event, they showed two more fights from the beginning of the event. It was almost midnight and I was exhausted.

At home I still stayed up until one, transcribing my notes in the journal I bought to write to Five in. Then I gratefully fell into oblivion.

When my alarm went off the next day, I decided Rocco didn't need his morning walk. I needed sleep. I must admit, I didn't sleep nearly as late as I had the day before. I eventually got myself up and did laundry. To dry my laundry, I have to go to the laudromat, so that took a bit of time. So did returning the thing I had bought the day before and buying a few necessities at Wal-Mart.

Gracie informed me Five had updated his blog. Since I don't have internet at the house (about to change that), I was frantic. I used my phone, knowing I've been doing that too often lately and my phone bill will be sky high next month. I didn't care, I wanted to hear about his travels. He made it all the way to Mobile already.

That, unfortunately, did not take all day. I watched part of a movie then decided the dog and I needed to get out of the house. I took Rocco to Sam Houston Jones State park to do a trail or two. Did you know it takes a mad (crazy) woman only 1 hour to drag a dog through the 3.9 miles of the blue trail? It's true.

It was getting later so I drove home, Rocco, grateful to be off of his short legs. I went home, showered, put in part of a movie and wrote to Five until it was bedtime.

I made it through my first weekend, but only barely. I KNOW I did things before I met him, but I can't possibly think of what anymore.

People tell me to give it time, that it'll get better. I have nothing but time and that seems to be the problem. At least I'm not quite the emotional wreck I was a mere few days ago. Maybe it IS getting better.

Small steps for me, miles for him

2009-09-18T14:13:00.003-05:00

This morning I got online and saw that Five sent me an email. Instead of crying, I was so excited. For some reason, reading his email was easier than hearing his voice for right now.

He made it all the way to Chalmette and is currently enjoying his walkabout. I'm excited by his excitement, but I also know he's missing me as much as I'm missing him. That helps a little too.

So far, I haven't cried a single tear today, even though I could have. My aunt took me to lunch and suggested Dairy Barn. I said yes, then drove there realizing I had only been to Dairy Barn twice, once in Sulphur and once in Lake Charles. Both times with Five b/c he loves that place. The owner knows him by name since Five's done printing work for him and even won a Dairy Barn art/logo design contest when he was fairly young.

I enjoyed my lunch for what it was and who I was with. I think this is a small step for me. Honestly, my work days are fairly easy, it's going home to that empty house that's hard. I'm trying to fill in the hours until I can fully move on.

So, I walk the dog, try to read, watch movies, and try to get back into my exercise routine. I'm really worried about the weekends. This will be my first full weekend to myself and I'm not sure what to do. I would write since I have a ton of projects piled up....only my inspiration has currently abandoned me. I simply can't write.

It'll get easier as time goes on. Heck, it hasn't even been a full week yet. I'm fully allowed to be whiny and a little lost. I know I'll figure it all out. I know my Muse will return and I'll find I don't have nearly enough hours in the day to write. I know hanging out with my friends and family will make it easier. I just need to give it longer than 3 days.

If you read my blog, make sure you check in on his in case he updates when you're not paying attention. Right now, he's living a dream. www.newanderthal.blogspot.com

He's on his walkabout

2009-09-17T13:25:00.002-05:00

At 6pm on Tuesday, September 15th, 2009, Jason Lawrence Foux, The Newanderthal, left on his epic walkabout. I, along with various friends and family wished him well and watched him walk away.

At a little after 7pm on the same day, I finally got rid of the last friend/family member and promptly burst into tears. I told everyone I wasn't ready and I meant it. The only problem was, I'd NEVER be ready for this.

That night I realized I had never in the 7 months I lived with Five, slept alone in that house. It was far too quiet and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. So I wrote in my journal to him and tried to watch movies to distract myself. I eventually fell asleep on the couch with his pillows to cry into.

That next day was the hardest ever. Not only was he gone, but it was our ten month anniversary. Hostile Takeover Day Ten...the longest either of us have ever been with a person. I cried so much during that day, but I tried to distract myself by cleaning, reading and watching movies. It didn't work. Nothing worked. Yesterday was the longest and most painful of my life.

Today was better since I had to go back to work. I got up early, walked the dog, showered and drove off for work. Then he called me. He wanted to wish me a happy belated anniversary. He was only about an hour's drive from my office yet I couldn't see or touch him. I simply wanted to stay on the phone with him forever and listen to him talk. I had so much to say but I couldn't think of any of it then. Before he had to hang up (because he had run out of time on the phone) we were both well on our way to tears. I was tempted to call him back on the pay phone, but couldn't. It would have been too hard for me.

He's only been gone less than 48 hours and I miss him so much it hurts. I can't tell anyone about him or his trip without crying. I can barely think about him without crying. It shouldn't be this bad after only a short period of time, but I know his trip will be long and this is the very start of it.

I WILL get to see him for roughly 9 days in December, but that's so far away. I had him with me nearly everyday for 7 months and now he's not here at all. I'm not sure what to do with myself.

I know he's coming back, I know why this walkabout is so very important to him and I even know that once he's back our relationship will be stronger than ever, but in my current emotional state, I really don't give a damn. I want the person I love more than anything else to be where I can see, touch and talk to him.

I'm hoping, with time, it'll be easier for me to continue returning to that empty house. For him, it might be a bit easier b/c he's in a new place, but I know it's not easy. I hope that for him, with every step he takes, his own journey gets a bit easier. Is it wrong to say I hope he doesn't need to stay gone an entire year? I know the trip will last as long as it needs to and to rush it would ruin it and the experience, but right now is so painful.

I've never been an emotional person, so this is completely new. I've never minded being alone, rather, I enjoyed it. Now, it's the last thing I want. However, I don't just want company, I want him with me.

The start of a journey is always hard. Hopefully it will get easier.

Secondary characters

2009-09-08T09:33:00.002-05:00

Odd thoughts have been rattling around in my brain for a few weeks...some of which I've asked, some I've only let rattle. One that has intrigued me thus far deals with writing.

Do you think some people exist only to be secondary characters? That they will be nothing more than facilitators of other people's plots but never truly have a major plot of their own?

Granted, at some point throughout everyday life, we trade as to who's the main character. Sometimes we ARE simply secondary characters to someone else's plot...but can a whole life be spent that way?

The reason I ask is that I believe I may be a secondary character. I'm not saying this in a self-defeatist way nor does the thought depress me. I've just run down the stories of my life and tried to find one that was my own.

Everything I've done, everything I'mg good at is simply a facilitation for someone else. I couldn't figure out why I fall into this pattern nor why I can't seem to find one story that is truly my own.

I think I know why now. Everyone has someone they're supposed to be. Whether we create this person or we're fated to become them is up for debate, but there is a SOMEONE we are to be. My someone is a person who sees who the other person's someone is supposed to be.

Some people call this manipulation, observation, etc. It doesn't matter, but I can get to know a person and find out what they want to be and what they're missing to become that person. I try to ensure they become whatever that SOMEONE is.

Take Five for example. His SOMEONE is a bit hard to facilitate at times. He's a spirit who would have been completely happy back in a day when there were still unknowns to discover. He wants something wild to see and to be the first person ever to do...well, anything. He also deeply appreciates technology and human advancements. He wants the solitude of nature, yet (despite his many, many claims to the opposite) he's a select people person. He loves tradition yet he holds individualism in high esteem. In short, he belongs to an era long gone, but loves the advancements of modern man.

How do you help a person become a SOMEONE who's a mass of contradictions? By facilitating both. You listen to him talk about the handcraftsmanship of certain things that haven't changed processes in centuries and you also listen to him talk about the newest advancements in technology. You encourage his love of exploration and his love of creating a writing empire.

In short, you become a secondary character to help your main one along with his plot.

This may seem like I'm shorting myself my own happiness. It's not true though. My entire life has been spent facilitating a SOMEONE. It's fun for me to plot and scheme on how to get things necessary to encourage and build on what someone else wants. Secondary characters are VERY important plotwise. Without them, you really wouldn't have much of a plot running, would you?

At that same time, I'm starting to wonder when I get my own story. I have no big plans or goals I want to accomplish. I have nothing I'm currently working towards that's entirely my own.

Why is this bothering me now? I can feel the ticking of my life. I've already spent, if I'm lucky, over a quarter of my life and I'm not sure what I have to show for it. Being a secondary character is fine and all, but when do I get my own plot?

The girliest thing I currently own

2009-09-03T13:54:00.007-05:00

The girliest thing I currently own is a journal. A red leather journal with a heart on it and silver lettering.

I just got it in today. It's my personal journal in which I will write daily to Five. The red is a much happier one than the dark wine my camera tried to make it. Still, it's girly.

Why did I get this? Well, as I said, I plan to write daily to Five. Yes, it will be boring, but so? At least I have a nifty book to write in.

I do plan to let him keep the books (yes, plural) when he returns. I'm not sure how many I'll have in total, but when I run out of space, I will reorder the book, only with Volume 2, 3, etc until he returns.

This is mostly for me. Knowing I'll be able to sit down at the end of every day and write to him will help me decompress and feel a little less lonely.

It'll also keep me on track to do interesting things. I don't want to give him journals filled with me whining about how much I miss him and how I fed and walked the dogs. Yes, there will be day to day stuff in there, but I want to have fun things as well.

I'm not sure if I'll treat this like my other journals. Those are packed full of other things...emails, writings, ticket stubs, programs, etc. If I can find a way to shove it into my journals, I have. I might do the same for him, I'm just not sure yet.

With any luck, he won't be the only one to have interesting things written about his year. I'm not sure what all I'll do just yet, but now I HAVE to make it good! Lol...who knows? This might also change the tone of my upcoming blogs!