As of late, I've been fighting a decently strong bout of depression. Nothing really seems to make me happy. I'm tired, cranky and just downright not a part of anything. It's affecting quite a decent part of my life. My running hasn't been what I wanted mostly because I can't find the energy to get out there and run much. I've had to struggle to get out for every run.
What I miss most is my writing. I've had a sort of writing block for nearly 3 years now and it seems to be getting worse. I was getting words out before but they weren't worth much. Now I'm having a hard time getting sentences to work themselves into anything creative. For me, blogs don't count because I'm not really creating in my blog, I'm mostly just stating...or whining.
I can 'fake it until I make it' for many, many things but my writing is not one of those things. I'm not like writing genius, Newanderthal. I never have been able to outline anything decently. When I get an idea I usually know only a tiny little piece of the story. I get to figure it out AS I write. Things flow and come out and I simply write it. Right now I may have an idea, but I'm not getting that spark.
Trust me, I've tried to write. I've tried to get the words out and just put down one after the other. I've taken little assignments and worked them out. I've done all the little tricks they tell you to do. Nothing is coming out anymore. I'm....dry.
Strange part is, as I said earlier, it's not the ideas. I still have them, though not frequently. The 'voices' aren't talking to me. The landscapes aren't in my head. It's not even a dark and stormy night...it's just too quiet up there.
Lately I've been reading more in the hopes that the words of others will fan my spark. I can't think that it might never return. I don't like that at all. I can't imagine NOT being a writer. I can take breaks, but it's a part of who I am, always has been.
Right now though, I don't have any ideas on how to help myself out. I'm not sure if I should keep trying or if I should give it up in the hopes the writing mojo will one day return to me. Out of everything my depression takes from me, this one is just cruel. It's never happened before and that's why it's such a shock to me. I promise it hurts the most to lose what you truly thought was an inseparable part of you. I'm just at a bit of a loss right now.
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