Shades of Gray

I read the Bloggess' new post The Fight Goes On and it made me want to talk a tiny bit about my own battle with depression.

Much of my life has been spent either falling into a depression spiral or slowly coming out of one which I often refer to as 'Shades of Gray'. Did the therapy thing when I could, got put on meds once that made me scared of who I was on them and just went back to the dark/light shades of gray.

I won't say I've never been happy b/c that's blatantly not true. I've had happy moments and continue to have them, but there always comes a time where I hear the little voices in the back of my mind that tell me mean, hurtful things.

You're not good enough. You're not smart enough. No one really loves you. You're ugly. You're fat. You're boring. You're stupid. You're not creative so stop trying to be. Everything you do doesn't measure up. etc, etc I think you get the point.

Luckily I've never self-harmed nor thought about suicide in the way most people think of it. Because of this I've tended to fall into a sort of crack where it's been okay for people to ignore my depression b/c it's not like she's going to kill herself or anything. In a way that made it harder to come out of my depression cycles b/c I felt like I had no one there who even cared when or IF I came back out. I got so tired of people mistaking my depression for my personality. They're NOT the same thing and never have been.

The last few years have been some of the best and hardest of my life. I've met my Newanderthal, Gracie Musica, Elegant Lion and a whole host of other great people. I've done some amazing things I'd never imagine, run a 5k, such as lose 50 lbs, hike part of the Appalachian trail, move to a new state WITHOUT a job, help start Pocket Novels and the list goes on. The entire time I've gotten to do that, I've also had to battle with insecurities and depression. Sometimes simply getting up in the morning was an absolute struggle. Think your job is hard? Try doing it when all you want to do is lay in a dark room and cry b/c you don't have the energy or determination...or hell, the self-esteem to do anything.

Some days BREATHING is hard. Seriously. I just want to stop all of it. Not kill myself, just stop breathing b/c it takes too much energy to move the air in and out of my lungs. Every time a thing went wrong it was MY FAULT. I DID IT. I'M STUPID. ANYONE ELSE COULD HAVE DONE IT RIGHT. It's not that I was just thinking that, it's that I was BELIEVING it.

I've lately come to terms with the fact I'm never NOT going to be fighting depression. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance, maybe I just have a wire loose in my brain. Whatever it is, I think it'll be a lifelong battle for me. It's tiring at times, especially b/c I never know when it's going to strike or how to get out of it, much less how to explain it to other people.

Sometimes I promise all I wanted was someone to sit in the dark with me and hold me while I cried without really knowing why. The reason most people don't always know when I'm in the spirals is because I'm ashamed of them. I felt they made me seem weak. I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to do all these great things despite my past and the horrible things that happened to me in it. I'm supposed to smirk and carry on with my plans for world domination.

Sometimes I stay in my pajamas and cry whenever a commercial comes on where people look happy.

NOT world domination strength.

Still, I do reach out to some that I know have been through their own depression. Some I know constantly fight it just like me. And somehow, knowing I'm not alone helps. Surrounding myself with friends who have and still fight it helps. We try to lift each other out of the dark places or at least sit with one another in the dark.

I hope that if you suffer from depression you can find some solace in knowing you're not alone. No one is worthless and no one deserves to feel that way. Get help if you need it, whether from friends, church or therapy. You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with getting help.