On week down

This was my first full week at the new school. Let's just say I'm extremely glad I have a three day weekend ahead of me. I am fully exhausted in a way I didn't know could happen.

Strange though, I can't say it's a BAD school or a BAD job. It's challenging. You can't even say the day is good or bad. Everything that happens needs to happen on a RIGHT NOW basis. Even if a kid decided to cuss out everyone and try to hit another student, that's not a bad DAY, that's a bad moment. They go out, try to settle and then come right back to class. Sometimes they can move on from it, sometimes it pops back up later. Heck, sometimes it's a completely different thing that sets them off later.

When someone asks how my day was, I'm having a hard time defining it into the old ways. Today was comparatively good. If this had been your first day at the school, you may have thought it was a bad day.

That's one of the things I'm liking. Even though I'm tired and often frustrated or near giving up on what I can do, I'm finding I need to be just like the students. If a student cussed me out in Language class, when I see him again in Math, we say hello, ask how the other is doing and move on from there. We can't change what we did, we can only try to get better from the moment we start.

I'm also finding I'm letting go of the little things very quickly. When a student asked how I managed to stay so calm throughout the day, I explained to him that letting my anger take over would do no good. I could feel how I wanted to, but there was only so much I could do. If I get overly angry at a student, then I can't be effective for anyone. I need to do what I can and let go when I realize I can't do more or that moment is over with.

I'm also learning to let go of my own mistakes. Usually if something small bothers me, it bothers me for the next century. I get mad and can't let go of it. This applies to myself. Yesterday and today I was not prepared in the way the teacher would have liked. I apologized and promised I would be on the ball. She told me I was doing a great job and not to worry. Basically? Things happen. We do the work and if we make a mistake, we correct it. There was no need for me to freak out all yesterday evening b/c I forgot to turn in the sheets she wanted me to. I can, however, remember better the next time I'm asked to do something.

Would I love a day where no student has to go to the safety room or even taken out of class? Would I love a day with no angry outbursts? Would I love a day where everyone gets along and they do their work without being constantly prompted? OMG, yes! Will it happen? Maybe, maybe not.

I cannot control what they do or how they react. I can control me and lead by example. I can praise good behavior and on-task work. I can point out to other staff members the great work they're doing. I am the only thing I can control each day I go in. I can smile at each student each morning, despite the day before. I can be ready to help them and others. I can process my negative emotions before they get the better of me. I can do quite a bit, but I can't do everything.

I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF THE WORLD.

Let me say that again for myself: I am not in control of the world. That may not seem like much to you or maybe it's obvious, but I have come to the conclusion most of my tension and anxiety stems from me trying to do just that. I get mad when other people do things I don't want them to or when things are out of my control. Now? I'm learning to handle ME (which is what we tell the kids a billion times a day).

If the situation isn't what I want. Well, that happens, doesn't it? We don't always get what we want. We can't always change the minds of others. Heck, I can't always change my own mind or feelings. I can control how I react to things. I can refocus myself. I can do a whole heck of a lot. (yes, I said that a few paragraphs ago, but I'm still learning this and repetition helps me).

I won't say I'm loving this job. I'm learning from it and, darn it, it's growing on me. I wish I wasn't so exhausted at the end of the day, but that may change. For now? I think this is one of those jobs you never thought you'd want but really think you're there for a reason.