Pros and Cons of Being in a Relationship with a Writer

A friend of mine recently sent me several online articles about why writers shouldn't date other writers. The biggest problems they stated were:

- Writing is not mysterious to them, so they will not romanticize, mythologize, or idealize what you 
    do.
- You will not as easily be able to get out of things because you need to write. (And you should be
     able to. You should be able say “I can’t go to the movie tonight like I said I would, because I got      this idea and I have to write it down, otherwise I’ll lose momentum.” It’s a legitimate excuse.Paradoxically, non-writers are much more understanding about these things than writers.)
- Reading and/or critiquing each other’s work is terribly awkward and fraught with nuance. It may
    result in the laying of emotional landmines.
- If you are more successful than they are, they will, at least on some level, be jealous. If they are
    more successful than you, you will, at least on some level, be jealous.
- One person using the relationship as material is problematic enough. Both people using it is like
    CatDog trying to eat itself.
- You will be poor.

I'm assuming this friend was trying to be helpful, but why send someone article after article telling them why a relationship will fail? I find that incredibly odd. While some people did list a few 'pros', nearly every article listed only cons.

What I found incredibly interested was one 'pro' of dating a writer was that when the relationship failed miserably, you would have plenty of material to use in your writing. They even went on to list famous writing couples that fell apart and wrote some of their best work after the breakup.

Today I will give my own view on what it's like to date and even be very close friends with other writers. Of course, these experience are only what I have personally dealt with in my own circle of writing friends. I will never assume that it will be the same for all writing couples/friends.

Pro: They completely understand when your story gets derailed by a character NOT following your outline or an unexpected plot twist popping up mid-climax.
Con: They also completely understand that such a derailment CAN be fixed, but you have to sit down and work on it.

Pro: They will give you time to write when you ask for it (not sure who the above author was with, but they sound like a jerk)
Con: If they give you said time, you actually have to write or have some work. Other authors know the difference between brainstorming and daydreaming.

Pro: They will listen when you wail about how horrible a writer you are and how you will never make it and will be counted as a fraud and never had talent and woe is me.
Con: They will LISTEN but expect you to come out from under the blankets and get back to writing once your tantrum is over.

Pro: You have someone who will listen to your insane plot ramblings and still love you.
Con: You have someone who knows how truly insane you actually are (which could be a factor in competency hearings).

Pro: They are willing to offer advice when you get stuck on a plot point.
Con: You sometimes cannot get them to STOP offering advice when you get stuck on a plot point.

Pro: Usually you're all in the same boat money-wise, so you don't have to worry about feeling like the poor relation
Con: You're usually all poor (I agree with that above instance, but it's not b/c of writing, but b/c there's rarely a trust fund writer around)

Pro: They know about the craziness involved in writing any work to the end and you feel you're not alone out there.
Con: They know about the craziness involved in writing, so you lose the writer's mystique b/c everyone has their own example of when that happened to them.

Pro: You can sit at a table and write for hours on end without feeling like you're ignoring the other person.
Con: You can sit at a table and TALK for hours on end b/c you've been in your head for too long by yourself. This translates to 4 hour 'writing' sessions where all you do is talk

Pro: You have someone willing to give you an honest critique about your work.
Con: You have someone willing to give you an HONEST critique about your work.

Pro: You will always have access to brand new and exciting works to read by other writers.
Con: You will have to give an in-depth analysis on exactly what you liked and didn't like. (Saying: 'I liked the story' is NEVER good enough. You have to go to the next level and explain why the one scene where the character eats a slice of pizza moved you to the depths of your soul b/c you know the character can never eat a pizza without thinking of her old lover who died in a fiery crash right before prom)

Pro: You will have someone willing to build you up when you're feeling low about your craft and talent.
Con: Sometimes you feel low about your craft b/c your friends/partner seems to have so much more talent than you.

Pro: Writers see and hear everything on a different level and sitting around talking to them will leave you with a plethora of great ideas or at least a good line to use.
Con: Most writers already have a plethora of ideas and their friends simply add to the growing list, like feeding a forest fire or giving crack to a drug addict.

Pro: Screaming "OOH!" and pulling out a notebook in the middle of a conversation or other activity is completely acceptable.
Con: You can usually hear snickering while you do this. (not really a con b/c they'll get their comeuppance eventually)

Pro: Your friends/partner will celebrate any writerly success you accomplish.
Con: You have to celebrate their successes even if makes you want to spit blood in envy. (If you are not happy for them on some level, even far beneath the envy, you don't really care about them)

Pro: You can talk to them about murder plots, zombie invasions, robberies, monsters, etc and they will gladly join in with their own dark plots
Con: You usually do this in public places and are probably on more than one national watch list.

I will fully admit that if you are a person who writes to be 'special' or the center of attention, you won't do well in any writer/writer relationship. Writers have to share their time, talent, and attention with other writers in order for it to work. Yes, there will be times you REALLY don't want to hear about their latest plot b/c you want to talk about yours, but you shut up and listen b/c that's what friends/partners do.

I am one of the worst when it comes to envy and have completely lost confidence in my own writing when I read a spectacular work by one of my friends or by Newanderthal. That is my personal problem, not theirs. I know full well that many of my friends will have great writing success in the future that I may not be brave enough to try for. Once again, my problem, not theirs.

What's great is that I love my writer friends deeply and really always do celebrate them. I truly hope I've allowed them to express their hopes, dreams and fears without overrunning them with mine. An artistic relationship in any form is a balance I hope I have achieved on some level.

My only other bit of advice? Find things to talk about and do together that does not involve writing. Newanderthal and I do a great deal of outdoor things and other normal couple stuff. Writing is very important to each of us but it's not all our relationship is built on and thank god for that.

With my other dear writing friends, we also have so many other things we do together. Gracie and I bonded over Met operas and how unsophisticated they truly were. I love following Elegant Lion's blog about homeschooling and her FB posts never cease to make me laugh, squint in confusion about the human race or get downright up in arms about something (this is a good thing). When we were all living in the same area, I was absolutely giddy with excitement when we got to hang out and coffee shops and just talk.

I'm sure they can tell you stories about times I annoyed them and maybe how they wish I wasn't so dramatic sometimes, but I believe our relationships are strong. I know I can turn to any of my writing friends and have them understand ANY situation on a deeper level than non-artists. I, in turn, do my best to find the right thing to say or do (like just listening) if they have a problem, be it writing or nonwriting.

So, dear person who sent me the articles on failed writing relationships, I thank you for the insight, but wouldn't trade my writing relationships for anything in the world. I have found them deeper and more alive than many I have had. Yes, our artistic temperaments may cause awkward times but we also know the difference between "I'm mad at you" and "I'm mad at me but taking it out on you".

To my writing friends and partner, I love you guys! I know I'm crazy, but let's face it, so are you. Let's raise a glass of whatever beverage you have on hand then get back to writing! ONE of us needs to hurry up and become famous so we can take the others on a grand adventure (in which the nonfamous amongst you will secretly be seething in envy and order the most expensive things on the menu out of spite).